Written by John P Slevin

Saturday, 6 February 2010

image for Lincecum Demands Giants Hire Barry Bonds
Linceum unhappy that Giants owners are "so bleepin' stupid man."

Tim Lincecum today stunned the sports world and the San Francisco Giants ownership by making a pre-arbitration demand and at the same time denouncing the "idiot government drug war which is ruining this whole country, not just baseball".

Lincecum insists that the Giants rehire slugger Barry Bonds "so that we can win a few damn games for a change."

Lincecum has won two consecutive Cy Young awards and currently is involved in high stakes salary arbitration with the Giants.

The game's best pitcher insisted he's not being selfish in contract negotiations and backed that up by offering to accept the Giants' lowball bid of a mere $8 million dollars for this year.

"Hell, I asked for $13 million and everyone knows I'm worth a shitload more" said an energetic, smiling Lincecum. "But hey, it's only money. And the $5 million difference is exactly what the Giants are paying Barry this year in deferred money just to sit on his ass."

"I'll take their $8million and they can give the $5million dollar difference to Barry so this team can score some runs."

Lincecum didn't stop there. "Hell, everytime I look over at shortstop I see $10 million dollars floating out the window" said the irate Giants ace, in obvious reference to the salary being paid to Giants shortstop Edgar Renteria, widely regarded as one of the worst infielders in major league baseball. "It's not like the Giants don't have the money" continued Lincecum.

Late last year Lincecum was arrested in Washington State for marijuana possession and some reporters asked him if the Giants could afford to have two highly publicized drug users on the payroll at the same time.

"Damn, look at our line-up man" yelled Lincecum. "You wanta tell me the Giants owners did that without being on some serious drugs? You've gotta be on some real bad shit to fire Barry Bonds and then hire some of the guys we've got."

"Barry's the best hitter in baseball. Bring him back, man, bring him back!"

Giants owners were unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Baseball

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