Written by chimera

Saturday, 17 July 2004

image for Spiderman Quits Law Enforcement, Becomes Pizza Boy
“Who am I?” - A pizza boy - “No, I’m Spiderman” - Not if you deliver my pizza this late you’re not. Now sod off…

Marvel Comics character and part-time superhero Spiderman announced his retirement today to a stunned New York City and a number of delighted criminal masterminds.

The web-spinning half-man, quarter-arachnid, quarter-freakshow has instead chosen to apply his trade in the field of fine Italian cuisine home conveyance, also known as a pizza boy. It is not yet clear whether Spiderman will formally change his pseudonym to Pizzaboy, but Marvel Comics assure us that a web-slinging deliverer of pizzas by day, hoe-pimping superzero by night, will hit the movie screens soon.

Spiderman's resignation from the crime-fighting scene comes only weeks after rumours of disillusionment disillusioned the law-enforcing super arachnid and exacerbated an already painful romance with Kirsten Dunst. It is believed that the superhero is no longer willing to allow his work and responsibilities to get in the way of a potentially fruitful relationship with Ms. Dunst, and the masked web-maker is undoubtedly in the pursuit of offspring - whether they will emerge as ‘Spiderbabies' or baby spiders remains to be seen, though their father will hope for the former if he is to secure a lucrative TV spin-off.

The word from the Spider's mouth is that pizza chain ‘Dominic's Pizza' has hired the man-spider and that he will be happy to work there for the foreseeable future. New Yorkers need not fear a late or cold pizza with Spiderman on the job, although this may be the first time that ‘Dominic's Pizza' can justify the delivery of pizzas with sticky white goo all over them without being sued. The only word of warning from the former-hero's new employers is to avoid retrieving suspended pizza boxes from the centre of a spider-web, as ‘victims' a.k.a customers could become fatally ensnared, for which Dominic's accepts no responsibility.

The man-spider's ambition does not, however, stop there:

"I see myself owning a pizzeria some day. You know, like ‘Mamma Mia's Pizzeria' or something, with pizza done up the good old Italian way - the way no-one in America likes because it doesn't have 90% fat content, or urine in it. I know it's a big shot for a small-town freak like me but... us retirees have our dreams too."

Spiderman also assured New Yorkers that they need not fear an upsurge in crime in his absence: Catwoman, Daredevil, and a plethora of other animal-related yet astonishingly unbelievable superheroes will still be around, though he places most of his confidence in his young protégé ‘Super-koala-bat-monkey-snake-elephant-man', ‘Frank' for short:

"He's a great kid, you know. He's saved my ass a couple of times, I'll tell you that. Like, you know that time in the first Spiderman movie when I had the cable-car by a web and Kirsten was about to fall and die but I couldn't reach her but still managed to save the day and everyone was really really happy…(gasps), yeah… that was really Super-koala-bat-monkey-snake-elephant-man's doing.

"Besides, he has great superpowers. He can make the noises of all those animals and he has the ‘equipment' of an elephant - yeah, I looked in the urinals once - but you should really ask Catwoman if you want the down and dirté on that aspect of his superpower. I'll say no more…"

Unfortunately, he did; but as he swung off from our all-too-evanescent interview to fulfil a 1750hr pizza delivery (which we had already made him late for), we were left to muse over the ins-and-outs of how a half-woman, half-cat, and a sixth-human, sixth-elephant, would connect. Regardless, the future looks bright for the world's only two-legged arachnid. Who is he? He's Spiderman.

Catwoman: Sleeps around a lot. Well, are you surprised? What did you think the whip was really for?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: New York, Criminal

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