Usain Bolt displaces Peter Mandelson in IOS Top 50 Smuggest Person poll

Funny story written by tennisman

Sunday, 16 August 2009

image for Usain Bolt displaces Peter Mandelson in IOS Top 50 Smuggest Person poll
Usain Bolt takes his marks in Berlin

Usain Bolt, the Jamaican Olympic Champion has officially displaced Peter Mandelson as the Smuggest Person in the World.

The Independent on Sunday published a poll earlier today listing the top 50 people who not only felt decidedly good about themselves, but were unable to stop showing it.

Outright winner was Lord 'Is it Guacamole or Mushy peas?' Mandelson. But while the also-rans included such 'Smugee-pants' as Nicky Campbell and Sir Alan Sugar, the IOS phone lines were jammed with callers outraged at the exclusion of obvious sporting personality Smug smoothies as Graham Pole and Mark Nicholas and favourite, Usain Bolt, the best athlete Jamaica has produced since the high jump specialist, Jimmy Cliff, who released a hit recording of his antics around the sand-pits of the world, 'The Higher They Jump, The Harder They Fall'.

It seems that fans absolutely love the Jamaican star's Marcel Marceau impressions acted out as the TV camera pans across the athletes as they are being introduced to the crowd. Although Bolt denies any ulterior motive here. 'I'm just telling my Mom what I want for tea' he claimed.

Entertainment Industry Impressarios have seized on the opportunity. Simon Cowell, has leaked news of a new show called 'Runners Got Talent' in which 100m sprint stars will perform their Bolt-style mime skills in front of a panel of judges, probably to include, Cowell himself, David Hemery and the girls from Loose Women.

Amanda Holden, star judge on the BGT show, clapped her hands together in glee (with the fingers pointing out) at the prospect of judging the meaty athletes, then sank in despair when told of Cowell's choice of panel. After a bout of retail therapy at the North London's Brent Cross Shopping Centre, she was later seen at the start line for the 100m at the nearby Copthall Stadium running track. It was here, years ago and with the help of many boxes of kleenex that Amanda honed her very own special brand of tearful and sympathetic 'I just so know what you're going through' routines.

However, the runners themselves are cold on the idea. 'We're just happy to do our thing in front of the camera at the track. We don't want no TV show' said British athlete, Tyrone Edgar, disqualified in Berlin and clearly relieved that he didn't have to actually complete the run down the track, once the event itself, but now carried out merely as relaxation between the start line mime shows.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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