Written by HookEm

Wednesday, 7 July 2004

image for Kournikova, Sharapova part of WTA's new Russian marketing campaign
Backhands or backsides? Which does the WTA want you to prefer?

Busty former tennis fashionista and Jergens "hand" lotion's leading salesperson, Anna Kournikova, may not be able to win a tennis match, or, even currently be playing the sport.
But that won't stop the WTA Tour from hyping her with a new advertising campaign centered on the hapless, but heinously hot Soviet sexpot called, "From Russia: With Love."
Hoping to capitalize on the recent Russian takeover of the women's game, and give poor little Anna something to do in her spare time besides worry about beau Enrique Iglesias' cosmetic facial mole surgeries and what that buzzing sound in her brain actually is, the WTA announced plans to help revitalize the sagging women's game, including the unveiling of a racy 2005 calendar that folks at the WTA hope will spread the true appeal of the women's game.
"Everyone knows that no one gives a damn about women's tennis," said WTA Chief Executive Officer and lead photographer on the calendar project, Larry Scott.
"Let's face it, they hit like girls. So, we have to find new and creative ways to promote the sport besides focusing on playing abilities, or we will lose out to up-and-coming sports like Celebrity Poker. We did some exhaustive studies, and after it all, we concluded that the T-n-A factor was really the only way to go, especially considering so many of the Russian players are so hot, and so many of the other players are dykes and suck so bad."
As part of its four-pronged "Doctor Zhivago Plan" for restoring the game, the WTA also will try to get more Russian players' matches on the show courts at Grand Slam events, and in prime viewing spots on major network television for other events. Another WTA mandate of "Zhivago" is that all Russian players come to the court attired in thong bikinis and see-through tops. CBS also plans to roll out a new invention "Undies Cam" at this year's US Open.
Five minute whip cream changeovers are also to take effect immediately when the WTA returns to action next week at the Bank of the West Classic in California.
The most controversial part of the "Zhivago" plan will prohibit lesbians from playing WTA events, a move which could adversely affect the women's game, since 85% of the players on Tour are vagitarians.
"We won't stand for this type of Playboy-ization of the game that we bull dykes have tried to take over for years," said noted carpet muncher and former world No. 1, Billie Jean King. "I didn't beat Bobby Riggs's ass for nothing, damnit. I don't plan on having to go look for pretty, athletic girls to sexually prey upon and molest anywhere but where I work. Do you know how hard it is to find cute, tennis-playing lesbians these days?"
The WTA has seen both its Q-rating and television ratings slide with the rise of the talented, yet butt-ugly Belgians Justine Henin-Hardenne and Kim Clijsters to the sport's top two spots in the rankings. It's also experiencing a precipitous drop in athleticism with the Williams sisters out spreading the word of Jehovah. So the bigwigs at the WTA decided it was high time to do something to help the game out before it was too late.
Many tennis insiders feel the "From Russia: With Love" campaign should help restore a little bit of the luster that has been lost in the women's game, and give the WTA an opportunity to take advantage of some bodacious, but naive Russian chicks.
"There's hardcore porn in this new WTA plan everywhere, I love it," said spastic NBC commentator Bud Collins, who actually dropped his trademark Jams shorts during Maria Sharapova's photo shoot on Court Central at Roland Garros in May.
"I just wish they could have found a way to get (former world No. 1) Steffi Graf naked in a shot or two. I know she's German, but damn she had an ass for days and legs for a month."
The calendar, appropriately entitled "Ova and Ova Again" due to the fact that there are 48 Russian players with an "ova" last name in the WTA's Top 50, will prominently feature Kournikova.and 2004 Wimbledon winner Maria Sharapova. WTA alums/Bolsheviks Svetlana Kuznetsova, Nadia Petrova and Alina Jidkova also went spread eagle and in the buff at some of the sport's most well-known venues like Rod Laver Arena in Australia and Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York, for the good of the game, of course.
French Open 2004 finalist and Muscovite honey Elena Dementieva was not allowed to particpate in the 12-month layout because of a rule that prohibits players who can't serve more than 35 miles per hour from participating.
This year's French Open winner/toothpick Anastasia Myskina was also absent from the photo shoot, due to the fact that her last name doesn't have "ova" in it. Myskina wouldn't have made the shoot anyway, due to a recent bout with Mary Kate-Olsenism, a rare, but potentially deadly form of anorexia that troubles people who come in contact with contaminated tennis balls, or Bob Saget.
The WTA's calendar didn't exactly go off trouble-free. A catfight broke out on the Kremlin set in Moscow between Kournikova and the WTA's newest sex shill/Lolita, the 17-year old Sharapova. The fight, which started because Iglesias was trying to hit on Sharapova, was a three-set tussle with Sharapova winning by default in the final set tiebreaker when Kounikova retired with a busted acrylic nail.
Prior to that, the two Russian blonde bombshells pulled each other's hair and threw tennis balls at one another for 20 minutes while wearing only thongs, fortunately, was captured on film.
The WTA and that "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis will each release the fight as a separate, but highly-anticipated DVD due out before Christmas. That is if ESPN Classic doesn't get a hold of it first.
Another factor in the melee' was that Kournikova wanted to be Miss June, the delicious 36-24-36's birth month. But that honor was given to recent Wimbledon winner Sharapova, because the prestigious grass court tournament starts late in the summer month, and because "she's actually won something that matters," according to the WTA's Scott.
Kournikova, who's never won a WTA title, had to settle for "Miss December," since no real tournaments are ever played in that month.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Tennis, Sport

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