Written by Steepdog1

Monday, 21 June 2004

image for Olympic Athlete Lets Torch go Out
Bruny Surin moments before achieving infamy

MONTREAL-- Olympic relay runner Bruny Surin was named "Douche Bag of the Year" by the International Douche Bag Awareness Council (IDBAC) on Sunday after allowing the Olympic torch to extinguish.

The Olympic torch, by tradition, must never be allowed to go out until the closing ceremonies of the Olympic Games. The flame is normally taken from Greece to the country where the games will be held (usually by airplane) -- but this year, the flame is travelling around the world on a 78-day journey.

That journey was cut short when Surin, who claims to have been swatting a bee, lost his grip on the torch and flung it into a public fountain that he was passing by on his run. Olympic committee officials were reportedly furious, and contacted IDBAC immediately.

"I think it is very unfair that the IDBAC and the Olympic committee would blame me for this," said Surin, "It was a very large bee. I am extremely allergic, and could have died. I did not mean (to throw) the torch." Surin was concerned that the "Douche Bag of the Year" award would associate him with past winners, such as Adolph Hitler, Pol Pot, and Last Year's winner, filmmaker Michael Moore.

"It's a very tough label to shake," said past winner John Edwards, host of the cable television show 'Crossing Over,' which features Edwards tormenting family members of the recently deceased by pretending to talk to their dead loved ones. "After I won the award, it was like no one was taking me seriously anymore. They just kept saying things like 'Hey Douche Bag!' and 'There goes that douche bag!' it was very painful for my family and me."

Surin defended his blunder by claiming that the world torch tour was unnecessary in the first place. "The Olympics are in Greece. Why the heck was I carrying the thing in Montreal to begin with? Can't they just start a new one? I mean, it's already there, right? It's silly to have just one torch...clearly there should have been a separate 'road torch'"

IDBAC spokesperson James Hedwig said that Surin's selection was a no-brainer. "Normally we don't give the award out until November," said Hedwig, "But when we heard about this guy screwing up years of tradition because he was being a sissy about a bee, well, we decided to bend the rules."

The Olympic Committee says it will light a new torch later this week and try to salvage as much of the tour as it can.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Athlete, awareness

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