NY,NY/ Boston Globe - Boston Red Sox fans today are taking hope in the fact that the latest Yankee acquisition of "Queen of Pop", Madonna, is having trouble making the transition to organized baseball.
Reports surfacing today from disgruntled Yankee special trainers hired by the Steinbrenner family, say things aren't going as well as they thought when they signed the aging, but quick, switch hitter and designated base runner.
In addition to her athletic skills, Yankee management thought her sexual skills would do wonders to boost locker room morale which would translate into elevated division standings, beating out the hated Red Sox, and upstart Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who obviously have been getting laid more than the recently impotent Pin Strippers
Baseball historians say they didn't doubt the flamboyant rock star would have trouble adjusting. A former trainer responsible for providing growth hormones and steroids for professional athletes, as well as rock bands, said the locker room language bears a different meaning then what is accepted in popular drug and rock circles.
On a preliminary multiple choice test administered to Madonna after her signing, results indicated that the quirky former Catholic School graduate had a long way to go to be prepared for opening day.
According to sources, Madonna thought a "Sacrifice Fly" and "Infield Fly" referred to the zippers on her traveling gigolos.
She further couldn't understand, when brought into relief in the late innings, why she had to "keep her foot on the rubber". She thought that was a "stretch".
She has done well when brought in as a 3rd base coach in "flashing signs", but has been urged to wear an athletic supporter under her Yankee Uniform Skirt.
Another frustrated speech coach said she thought "Playing under the lights" referred to Trysts with sometimes lover A-Rod at a NY Motel 6.
Others hired, she's on her 6th coach, said she had good command of her "spitter", could "choke up", was not afraid to use "inside heat" to sexually dominate a batter, and understood the use of KY jelly in mastering "the slider".
During her pre-signing physical, her gynecologist prescribed vagina strengthening exercises, and A-Rod says she has now perfected the "Suicide Squeeze", "it's to die for!" the recently divorced big bopper exclaimed.
Meanwhile in the UK, which only has Cricket to be amused by, international linguistic critic Queen Mudder was not surprised. "The Bitch is a gynandromorph", I don't doubt the Yanks signed her, but she would have been a better fit with our ass mess pansy soccer team."
