Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 20 September 2008

image for 2008 Ryder Cup Captain Nick Faldo Is Crap In Bed, Claims Ex-wife
Faldo should've used a longer iron

Nick Faldo, the European Ryder Cup captain, may have more on his plate than the US team this weekend at Valhalla, with one of his ex-wives Valerie Bercher claiming that "Nick is crap in bed".

Europe's Odin is in Valhalla with the team to try to retain the Ryder Cup for a fourth time, but Bercher, who Faldo married in 2001, then divorced in 2006, said that the former British number 1 'couldn't get it up', and was always 'shanking it to the right'.

Valerie Bercher was Faldo's third wife, and he even had time to 'have it off' with 20-year-old American golfing student Brenna Cepelak in 1995 whilst still married to his second wife, Gill Bennett.

Both of these ladies have also complained in the past that Mr Faldo liked to 'chip and putt' rather than to 'take a long iron', and, in 1998, Cepelak even went so far as to trash the player's Porsche 959 with a golf club when he repeatedly failed to satisfy her needs.

The first day of the Ryder Cup saw the US take a 5-and-a-half to 2-and-a-half lead, and Faldo knows that a similar poor performance from Europe's finest today, will leave him wishing he had taken Colin 'Hung Like A Donkey' Montgomerie to the States after all, instead of Ian Poulter.

NOTE: Nick Faldo is not to be confused with The Spoof's Nick Fun who keeps all his partners thoroughly satisfied.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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