The Sir Alex Ferguson Games will be held in England this August. The first event will be Teacup Throwing at Mummy's Boys, where competitors throw half-full china cups at blonde men who wear women's clothes, shortly followed by the 90 Minutes Gum Chewing. Contestants at this win by having the highest numbers of chews in the given time, and are allowed unlimited packets during the event.
On day 2, athletes face the gruelling Arguing With The Ref Without Getting Red Carded sport, a highly skillful one that requires years of training, and after that it will be the prestigious Shouting Angrily At Everyone Until You Get Your Way, not dissimilar to the ancient oriental game of Xaoting Hangree Ntiil Yaogai't Penhaltse.
On the final day, competitors take part in the 5-event Pentupfurythlon. Firstly, they have to sit on a bench, and then leap up out of it as many times as possible for no reason, before sitting down again. Secondly, they have to mutter threatening asides towards the opponents' bench without anyone noticing, and thirdly they have to speak to journalists as if they're reptiles, which they are, but without resorting to insults. The fourth event is drinking 18 pints of heavy every night, without it having any effect, and the fifth one is the one of sporadic pointing.
This is in tribute to legendary former Celtic and Scotland captain Roy Aitken, who at every free kick and indeed every breakaway attack always pointed up the park. So competitors must point everywhere without it meaning a thing. Sir Alex himself had this to say about the Games: 'Penalty! Aw, come awn, ref, it wuz a f***ing penalty ya English f**ker! Aw fer f***'s sake I cannae believe it!'
Cristiano Ronaldo will not be at the games, as he is part of the Portugese Olympic diving team.
