New Lift for Deano!

Funny story written by PercyVeer

Thursday, 5 June 2008

image for New Lift for Deano!
Deano takes a quick pause for breath whilst out on his morning training circuit

Wembley hero Dean Windass, 70 next week, has been given a massive endorsement by Hull City with regards to his future at the club. The Tigers have announced today that they intend to invest a substantial part of their £60 million Premier League cash bonanza on a new project in order to secure Windass's long term services.

Following promotion to the top flight, the club intends to install a special stair lift at the KC Stadium for the exclusive use of the veteran striker. The stair lift will run between the players' dressing room on the ground floor of the West Stand and the corporate hospitality suite on the second floor. Its installation will necessitate extensive structural and other alterations works to the stadium, and represents a major capital investment for the Tigers.

Chairman Paul Duffen explains. "Deano is our most valued player, but he has been getting rather despondent just lately. And understandably so. There has been a lot to celebrate at this football club, but unfortunately our function room is located upstairs, so he hasn't been able to come up and join in with all the post-match fun. The installation of this new stair lift should solve that problem forever".

Duffen added that the club also intends to invest in a Shackleton high chair ("in top quality mauve dralon"), as well as a matching tartan blanket for the ageing star. "Once we get him up there, we'll make sure he's very comfortable in his favourite corner", added the chairman.

Team manager Phil Brown commented, "Dean Windass is the figurehead of our plans to launch a serious assault on the Premier League next season. He is also central to our ambitions to win the European Champions League within ten years. Obviously we need to make sure he's happy, at least until we achieve those objectives".

"Deano has been telling me for some time now that he intends to collect his telegram from the Queen at the same time as she presents him with his FA Cup Winner's medal for Hull City", continued Brown. "It is my intention to hold him to that promise."

Windass himself was unavailable for comment at his luxury West Hull bungalow. His wife said he'd just nipped out on his mobility scooter to either buy a box of camomile teabags or to have his new hearing aid fitted. She just couldn't remember which.

"Oh dearie, dearie me. I'm getting almost as bad as Dean himself these days", she added. "Anyway, you'll have to excuse me. He's playing dominos at the British Legion Club at seven and I've still got to put the rest of his pies in the oven".

Dean Windass comes from Hull. He made his professional debut in 1958. He has scored 3,581 career goals for 47 different clubs. He is 5'2" tall, weighs 17st 6lb, and enjoys a pint or two or three or four.

Although every effort has been made to ensure its accuracy, it cannot be guaranteed that this article is 100% factual.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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