Portugese whinger Cristiano Ronaldo was today rushed to hospital after one of his dives went tragically wrong.
As he was sitting playing Fifa 2000 on his Playstation, in his living room, and was passing the ball towards Chelsea's penalty box on his PC, he suddenly leapt out of his chair and did a perfect swallow dive out of habit.
Crashing to the wooden floorboards he of course rolled about like a baby, but sadly there was no referee there to book the floor. Nor was there a bullying, Scottish, gum-chewing manager to yell abuse across the field to get a free kick.
Speaking from his hospital bed, Ronaldo said: 'It was terrible, one minute I was heading towards the box, the next minute I was rolling around on the floor like someone had fired a poison dart into my neck.'
Fellow diver, Didier Drogba, simply said: 'Penalty!'
Some have suggested that the English game has become farcical, with talentless English players and hopeless foreign imports never winning anything without bribes. But others have suggested that real football fans watch the Spanish and Italian leagues.
Paul Gascoigne is under sedation, after realising that English football is now a joke and has been for 25 years.