Boxing Machine Ends Fun For Fighters?

Written by David Hawkins

Sunday, 4 May 2008

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Hungarian engineer and inventor Alex Barabas Ph.D. unveiled his new "Boxing Machine" this morning at the US Sports Equipment Convention in Anaheim California. Dr. Barabas stated: "Quite frankly, making the sport more fair was my only motive behind making the machine. I wasn't trying to get any boxers this riled up and coming after me floating like butterflies and stinging like bees!"

The controversial machine consists partly of a steel platform resting on a four-legged scaffold under which the contender stands and a hole into which a contestant places his or her head.
Once the head is up through the hole a neck brace is put in place to steady the person's face for pummeling. Next to the person's head on each side is a regulation boxing glove with a large mass of lead molded perfectly into the shape of a human fist. (Dr. Barabas retained Sean Penn to model his fists for the molds). The fists are coated in a special foam rubber and the glove is placed over them and tied on.

The "Boxing Machine" is powered by any ordinary 120V AC outlet. Using electromagnets, motors, servos, seriously hefty rubber bands and so on, each glove/fist apparatus delivers regulation jabs, hooks, punches, upper cuts, etc., to the competitor's head with the force distributed at one of 5 settings starting at 1000 ft. pounds of force and topping out at 3000 ft. pounds. The gloves can be set to punch from different angles as well. 1000 ft pounds is the average amount of force of a punch by an average heavy-weight boxer.

The machine will prevent any fouls or violations of rules such as; ear biting, hitting below the belt, holding, tripping, pushing, spitting, kicking, head-butting, or wrestling. This will make the game just about as fair as you can get it and make it quicker to determine which pugilist is the champion.

Once a boxer is in the machine it just proceeds to keep punching him and a timer records exactly how long it takes to render the boxer unconscious or dead. Whichever comes first. Contestants take one turn each and whoever lasts longer wins.

That will give the winners, losers, and next of kin more time to spend any money they may have won on their hospital bills when they wake up there, or funeral expenses if they don't wake up there, which can sometimes be more painful than the sport that created the injuries and deaths.

Many boxers are whining and getting all bent out of shape like little sissies about the machine arguing that it takes any fun that they get out of the sport. They won't have the joy of injuring another person themselves. Buh Dumzaboxahairski, pro boxer from Las Vegas tried to explain: "Yo! Sup! You know. Hey. You know. Sup. Stand where I'm sprayin? Some people have respeckable jobs like doctors and lawyers and pimps and other people are uh, not. But me, I'm uh, this is what I do. I like to give guys da brain damage, bus they face bones, bruises, cut them, make them bleed. Hey its's my life you you know what I'm sprayin?"

The fighters claim they are being deprived of the happiness that sending another person to the hospital or the graveyard brings them. Dr. Barabas told reporters: "These are ugly, angry buffoons to begin with and they get even more angry if they perceive their right to make each other stupider and uglier is taken from them and given to a machine which they can't understand or comprehend."

Anaheim Police are concerned that crime rates might increase since boxers won't have anyone to beat on and injure or kill legally so that will carry over into their regular walking around life and they will end up just mangling and killing random people with whom they come into contact.
Dr. Barabas says he has gotten mixed reviews and orders for 49 of the machines this week so he says he'll see how it goes and it might take people some time to get the idea through their thick brain-damaged skulls that boxing is simply idiot-bashing and isn't a sport.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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