'Lack of sponsorship affects our performance' admits Gerrard

Written by Kent Pete

Monday, 7 April 2008

image for 'Lack of sponsorship affects our performance' admits Gerrard
No logo, no motivation says Stevie G.

As sports journalists throughout Britain try to make sense of the nations top footballer's inability to perform at international level, England and Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has given his honest opinion as to why a group of players, who play so well in the premiership perform so badly when they play as the Three Lions.

"We are just not used to playing in shirt's without sponsorship. Ever since I started playing in 1998 I have always had a logo on my kit. When I play for Liverpool I am also playing for Carlsberg. It doesn't feel right just playing for England, my heart isn't totally in it.

"The players are commodities now. We know we are walking billboards and we feel comfortable with that. I have talked to the other lads and to be honest they all said the same thing. We feel naked when we play internationals. You can't throw yourself into tackles if you think your souls are hanging out of your shorts."

On similar lines, 29 year old, mixed raced Rio Ferdinand, said,

"I agree with Stevie. We don't stand a chance when we play for England. New boss Fabio Capello allowed us to change our underpants at half time against France. I wore a pair with 'Barclaycard' written down the side, whilst Coley had a pair sponsored by 'Toys 'R' Us'. It felt slightly better and I think that reflected in our second half performance but it was too little too late.

"Do you know that not wearing my traditional 'AIG' logo cost's me £30,000 each time I turn out for the National side? I worked that out at £333 per minute or £5.50 per second. It's difficult to concentrate on a cross with those kind of figures racing around in your head. I only hope the F.A accept the offer from Woolworth's to sponsor us next season".

Mr Ferdinand thanked our Sports correspondent and told us that he would expect the bill for the 2 minute interview to be settled by early next week. Further he said that he would like it to be known that his, 'Whiter than white smile' was thanks to 'Aquafresh extreme clean toothpaste', and that his close shave was due to, 'Gillette,.. the best a Manc can get'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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