Denver guard Allen Iverson pleaded with Nuggets' fans to wear white to every home game from now on in hopes that their clothing will distract visiting teams enough so that he won't have to play defense.
Nuggets' officials were lukewarm to the suggestion, but issued a public statement that amounted to a shoulder shrug: "Yeah, what's the harm."
Iverson said that if the fans did their part, he could "rest up" on defense and launch more shots on offense. Iverson already takes off defensive possessions by standing at the court's edge, talking to fans, doing interviews and autograph sessions while his four teammates guard opponents. Then he sprints downcourt for snowbird layups to pad his numbers.
"If I'm going to win the scoring title, fans need to pick up the slack on the defensive end," Iverson reportedly said. "My contract's coming up for renewal and I need my stats. My motto is: Less D, More 3."
Meanwhile, Golden State Warriors' coach Don Nelson was in full support of "white-outs," the latest fan craze that supposedly disorients visitors, yet somehow leaves home teams unaffected.
"We don't play defense anyway, so might as well give the fans some responsibility," Nelson said. "It's easier to blast them for not guarding the 3, or not getting back on defense quickly enough, than getting on my players, who already have so many concerns and obligations on and off the court.
"I mean, waving those stupid thunder sticks during free throws is nice, but we need them stop penetration because my team refuses to."
Psychologists have said that "white-outs" are a sad lesson in pointless group-think and do little to affect visiting teams. However, a small number of players have reported dizziness and loss of muscle control, although most of them play for the wretched Minnesota Timberwolves, which is understandable.
"Most players are not frightened, intimidated or distracted by the color white, particularly African-Americans," a noted psychologist said. "In fact, the opposite appears to be true. That's why so many white players get their shots blocked and blacks enjoy doing it so much."
Home decorators, however, tell a different story. They've concluded that, while white or beige goes with everything, it's a mind-numbing color and could cause visiting teams to commit more turnovers on the road than at home, where the color soothes them.
"If you really want to unnerve the opposition, make the fans wear plaid," decorator Cathy Henson said. "Or make everyone bring a crying baby and hold up signs reading, 'Where's my child support?'"
A secret memo circulating in NBA offices indicates a high level of concern about what is being termed "The White-Out Effect." Now, at least the teams start playing for real in the fourth period after three quarters of half-assing it. But if teams begin relying more and more on "white-outs" to discombobulate opponents, players won't feel compelled to turn it up a notch until the final two minutes, or worse, just on the last possession, provided the games are even close at that point.
"Fans keep talking about wanting to be part of the action, well now's their chance," said Iverson, who called the NBA "tyrannical" for asking superstars like himself to play defense for a full quarter.
In a related matter, congressional Democrats plan white-outs for every vote on funding the war in Iraq, hoping to confuse hawkish Republicans when it comes time for the roll call.
