Martina Hingis Quits Tennis Due to Positive Cocaine Tests

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Thursday, 1 November 2007

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Hingis, a winner of five majors and once ranked #1 in the world, is retiring.

Former Wimbledon champion Martina Hingis officially announced her retirement from tennis after her original and back up samples from this year's tournament tested positive for cocaine. She stated that the long suspension time and legal battles to clear her name would take too long to fight.

In a short statement to the press, Hingis offered the following:

"I have never taken cocaine in my life and have no idea how the drug got into my urine sample. Sure, I've smoked a little pot, taken steroids, used HGH, gotten drunk a lot, taken speed before a match, experimented with Heroin and LSD, swapped needles with Barry Bonds, smoked a little crack, and gotten dusted a time or two, but who hasn't?"

When asked how both her primary and secondary urine contributions tested positive, Hingis, in a fit of roid rage, threw her tennis racket at the reporter and stamped out of the press conference.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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