Ascot, Berkshire - (Ass Mess): The Royal Ascot racecourse has been issued with a red alert by insurance industry sources after credible astrology reports warned that the start of the meeting on 19 June is "redolent with disasters of Biblical proportions" as the penultimate last Gemini Sun/Sagittarius Pluto opposition for the next 280 years heralds an unprecedented fiasco for the annual event.
Insurers have insisted that the racecourse, trainers, jockeys, horse owners, bookies and industry-related concerns revise their premiums because advice received "portends a total and utter whitewash of the entire event" due to a hurricane, tornado, sudden unexpected tsunami from the river Thames nearby or other similar or related phenomena.
"This is meant to be the high society event of the year for some," an isurance insider told the press today.
"But so much riff-raff, Eurotrash, self-reinvented organised crime cartels and mutton-dressed-as=lamb plebs has infestated the event that we are taking absolutely no chances in insuring for a disaster.
"Personally some of us blame that olf Hellfire Club slapper Camilla for bringing disaster down onto the Puppet Monarchy.
"But it may go a lot deeper than that.
"Anyway our advice to the undecided is: "stay away, save your money, don't bother turning up because it will be a farce."