Malibu U Opens: 540 Athletes, 0 students!

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Saturday, 18 January 2020

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Santa Monica, California. Woof Blister reporting for SOS [Spoof On Sports] When the newest campus in the burgeoning California State University system, Malibu State, opened last week with the beginning of the winter term, the school's president welcomed 540 undergraduates - all of them members of the school's various athletic teams! Not a single non-athlete was to be found on campus.

Malibu State was created as a home for future professional athletes, justified on grounds that pro sports are as much a part of earning a living as any other occupation now provided for in higher education. Moving the potential pros to a single campus here at Malibu frees up space at the other colleges for truly serious students.

"We academics," Malibu's president said, "were annoyed by future pros enrolling at UCLA or one of our state colleges, playing on the first team for one season, then turning pro. They really weren't students, just pros in-waiting. Malibu State solves that problem. We prepare them for the big leagues and they leave when they're ready to turn pro. That's Malibu State's mission."

The 540 athletes at Malibu are the members of teams in 18 sports, with teams for women, men and mixed-gender. All of them, regardless of the sport, are physical education majors. They take only courses related to the major, not Italian lit or meteorology. Nor do they take the basic general education courses. "We don't expect anyone to graduate from Malibu."

"Consequently, there is no need for science labs, a library, a music building or a theater. The only buildings on campus are the stadium for field sports, an enclosed pavilion for indoor sports, and a natatorium - a fancy name for a swimming pool. Plus a set of luxurious co-ed dorms that are unmatched on any campus in the country."

Because Malibu will field the best athletes in each sport, their teams will compete as independents and will not be in a collegiate league. They will also play against professional teams. The only major sport Malibu will not have is football. "We couldn't afford that," the president said, sadly.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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