Written by Dave Henry

Monday, 2 April 2018

image for Major Leaguer Retires with Regrets

A well-known major league baseball player announced his retirement from the game yesterday because he hates baseball.

"I have so many regrets," said Josh Batson, who announced at spring training that he’s hanging up his cleats.

“I hate baseball. I never wanted to be a major league ballplayer,” said Batson. “I wanted a 9 to 5 job, but my parents pushed me into baseball."

The five-time all-star said he's always thought baseball was a boring game.

"I'd be sitting out there in right field watching the pitcher shake off signs, then throw over to first base, then shake off more signs, then throw over to first base again, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a ball. Then it would start all over again. He'd shake off signs, then he'd throw to first base, then he would shake off signs, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a foul ball. Then the batter would get out of the batters’ box, clean his spikes, then the pitcher would throw over to first base, then he would shake off signs … I couldn't take it anymore,” said Batson.

Batson said he felt like he wasted the best years of his life playing baseball. "I wish I had retired sooner, I'll never get those years back."

He then went on to complain about his teammates. "I played with some real jerks over the years." Many of them, he said, would sexually harass him by frequently patting him on the butt, particularly after he made a good play. “It’s just a culture of widespread butt-touching.”

The slugger also had harsh words for his manager. "He looked silly wearing a uniform. A grown man, with a pot belly and chicken legs, dressing up like a child in a uniform. Get a grip."

Batson said he felt an overwhelming sense of relief. “I feel like a new man. Now I can pursue my dreams of working at a desk in a cubicle.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Baseball

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