Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Chico Mills, CA. LuAnne, the youngest member of the infamous Bawl basketball family, has rescinded her letter of commitment to enter UCLA in 2028 and play on the Bruins' women's basketball team. Her father, LaBore Bawl, announced the rescission early this morning in a tweet that excoriated the university's athletic director for denying LuAnne's demand to play on the men's team.

"This isn't the UCLA of coach John Wooden and athletic director Wilbur Johns. Those men would have recognized times have changed and would have given LuAnne a slot on the men's team."

The Bruin athletic department did not respond to calls from The Spoof.'

At age 6, LuAnne is the youngest athlete, male or female, to sign a commitment letter for UCLA or any other college. Technically, NCAA A regulations prohibit such letters until a student has at least reached junior high school, but Bawl's attorneys found a loophole in the rules and finagled a commitment as binding as an official letter. They also finagled a way for Bawl to rescind the commitment.

LuAnne's basketball ability became known when, in preschool, she led her Chico Mills Agnostics to the state championship. She scored 37 of her team's 39 points, including several dunks and four shots from the three point line. The next year, in kindergarten, she led the state in scoring, although the Chico Mills team failed to reach the state finals.

In a separate tweet, Bawl also revealed he had withdrawn LuAnne from the Chico Mills elementary school where she had been enrolled in first grade. "Chico Mills Elementary does not place significant emphasis on developing basketball skills so I will be home schooling LuAnne until she is ready to play professional basketball."

Bawl immediately signed LuAnne with a prominent athletic agent, Tom Cruz, who promptly placed her on an Iranian team in the Muslim World League, where she will play next summer.

Bawl acknowledged that the family was expecting a fifth child in March, but denied that he planned to form his own NBA franchise. However, rumors abound that he has urged the Chico Mills city council to build a 20,000 seat basketball arena with public funds.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Basketball




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