Pre Season Permutations

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Pre season for footballers is completely insane. Respected journalists lose their shit at hearing a drunk man at a bar saying Ronaldo is going to Juventus. People believe that players are moving clubs just because one of their social media team has liked another clubs instagram post. The world is mental. However the beauty of football is that we have so many experts and pundits willing to tell us where exactly Arsenal football club are going wrong. Here are some of the best quotes from the transfer window so far.

• "I like Ozil. I do. I just think that so far during this pre season he hasn't put the effort in."

*shows heat map in the shape of the interior of a plane*

"This is Ozil's heat map. As you can see he's stayed sat down on the left wing. He's isolated. He's only made two runs up the centre during the entire flight. It's just not enough for someone who you expect so much from"- Sky Sport puppet and ex-part time footballer Jamie Redknapp

• "This Lacazette character still hasn't scored for Arsenal. He's too interested in taking selfies and posing in the changing rooms than winning trophies. No winning mentality."- Peerless football manager Roy Keane

• "I am delighted to announce that Manchester United have signed Boris Yelekov for £100million. I wouldn't be saying this if I was Arsene Wenger because then I wouldn't be signing anybody because I've got no ambition but to fail. Also I would be a big stupid head if I was Wenger. But I do not talk about Arsene Wenger. Does he talk about me? I don't know. I hope so." The Chequebook Pulis Jose Mouring...Mourihni.....Maureen. Jose Maureen

• "How can hard working, single mothers and families who are struggling to make ends meet afford a Arsenal season ticket? How can they? It's impossible and it's a disgraceful kick in the face to our troops, our hard working British families and everyone who voted Brexit"- The Sun

• "Already Arsenal are lagging behind the other big boys. Already playing catch-up." Ex-Liverpool midget Ray Houghton on Arsenals flight being delayed by twenty minutes

• "Well we've won three FA cups in four years which is brilliant! I've seen some great football and I've seen some shocking defeats but I'm looking forward to this season. We've got a UEFA cup campaign and I hope we can go on and win it!- Deluded, stupid, un-ambitious and possible terrorist Arsenal fan Alex Hall

• "Join us after the break when we'll discuss just how responsible Mesut Ozil was for the murder of millions of Jews during the second world war"- Resident wank stain Adrian Durham on TalkSp**t

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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