Ellsbury Sets Record: Never Injured in Month Ending in "R"

Written by Ossurworld

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Red Sox speedster Jacoby Ellsbury stole five bases in a meaningless game in Philadelphia the night before an important series began with the Yankees.

Having avoided the appearance of cracked glass over the season so far, Ellsbury now has developed a shattered groin from all that slip sliding away.

He was angry after he was hit by a pitch-and decided the best revenge was to steal every base along the paths. He never made it home. He took bases to the record books, and his agent can make hay out of the statistic when the new contract is negotiated.

According to agent Scott Boras, this season is the one to win the contract of a lifetime. Alas, with another injury bugging Jacoby, the endgame pay raise may be out in left field.

Media sycophants who walk softly and never show their big stick have remained sullenly silent about the latest Ellsbury conundrum. Only cruel cynics have raised the issue of deadened brain tissue in Jacoby.

It is not concussion that felled him-but groin stretching, a hobby in some sports, but a killer in baseball.

We keep waiting to hear that sitting out one game in hot old New York will not lead to more splinters. If we have learned anything about Jacoby, we know that no injury is as simple as it first appears.

The reason Ellsbury ripped one sleeve off his uniform is that it had a message on the forearm that stated: "Fragile. In case of emergency, this glass will break."

Shortly after losing the first game to the Yankees, Ellsbury revealed he would not play the second game either.

He's never injured in a month ending in 'R.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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