Red Sox Suffer from Junk DNA

Funny story written by Ossurworld

Monday, 13 May 2013

Before you get your knickers in a twist, we will not expose the Red Sox junk this time.

Science has just learned that the Boston baseball team has over 98% of useless DNA. Most teams like the Yankees have cut their useless DNA to a minimum, but the Sox continue to thrive on mutations.

Genomes bloated with trashy DNA often result in the Big Papi syndrome. This produces a foul mouth and a foul ball.

Extraneous genomes fill the bench with a bunch of second-rate benchwarmers who all think they should be in the starting lineup.

When the second team finally enters the team, they are prone to make two errors in any given inning whereas normal DNA will only make one error. This has been tested in and proven by the Ciriaco and Middlebrooks encoding strings.

Healthy teams tend to have one savior in the closing mode. The Red Sox tried it with a committee and failed have a bloated bullpen, and this year the DNA gave them two closers-both proved to be part of the junk DNA and fell by the wayside.

We have known for some time that the Red Sox have been missing the shortstop gene. For years the team has suffered from this omission and suffered many permutations of the lineup as a result. Lately, the DNA has drawn the dreaded Drew gene again after a long-string of genetically engineered injuries.

In terms of base pairs, the results of the Ellsbury-Victorino experiment went awry when neither genome sequence could steal a base.
The Red Sox management seems to think the junk DNA has a role in turning fans on and off-and fear cutting the strings.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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