Mass global depression ahead of World Snooker Championships

Written by Teddy Silver

Friday, 19 April 2013

Millions of people around the world have declared themselves clinically depressed at the thought of accidentally switching the channel over to this year's World Snooker Championships.

An unofficial survey of semi-official, machine-washable television snooker statistics has found that the majority of the global population is shitting its pants at the possibility of hearing, seeing or reading even the vaguest reference to the World Snooker Championships that is set to take place at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield next week.

"I mean I have no intention of watching it, obviously, I'd rather bungee-jump into an acidic lake with cheese-wire attached to my gonads," said Stuart Richards from Kent. "But the reality is that there are probably at least three people out there that will. Who are these people? They're sick whoever they are and the thought that one of them could be my neighbour or my florist… it's just too much to take."

"It's times like this that I'm glad I live in a mud hut and don't have access to a TV," added Siri-pop-click from Africa.

"It's downright dangerous," said Steven Baldock from Basingstoke. "What if someone was to accidentally lean on the remote when innocently watching an episode of 'Mastermind' or 'Cash in the Attic' and find coverage of Mark Selby pondering a snooker escape from the balk cushion? Can you imagine the level of boredom you could reach in just a few seconds?"

"What if your kids were to walk in on that? The long term damage that could cause… It's depraved. What are they thinking putting something like that on daytime television? I'm sticking with animal porn."

"And so are my kids."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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