Cyclist Tests Positive For LSD

Funny story written by John Butler

Wednesday, 2 August 2006


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US Cyclist Zed Grooverson has tested positive for a banned perspective-altering substance

Tour de France Cyclist Zed Grooverson has given a positive drugs test, his Diamonds In The Sky team has revealed.

The 25-year-old American, a one time songwriter and conceptual artist, had finished last in this year's Tour, a full 79 hours behind the victor, but is expected to have that placement rescinded after a routine drugs test showed unusual levels of the mind-altering drug Lysergic Acid (LSD) in his bloodstream.

The positive test came after stage 11 of the Tour, a stage in which Grooverson finished 13 hours behind the winner after spending most of the day stopping on his bike to gaze in glazed-eye wonderment at the surrounding French countryside.

On several occasions throughout the stage, Grooverson could be heard coming out with arcane phrases such as "hey dude, is it just me or is does the shape of that hill in the distance kinda look like two umbrellas having sex with a turnip", before laughing maniacally to himself.

Roadside officials also reported that Grooverson was compulsively licking his lips throughout the day and took on an "unusually large amount of fluids" from designated feedzones.

Some spectators even claimed they witnessed the rider taking regular "toilet breaks" behind nearby trees whilst shouting, "Look at me - I'm a human fountain", blissfully oblivious to the watching crowds, many of whom were families with young children.

Grooverson first aroused suspicions at the beginning of the stage by appearing to be unduly preoccupied by the sight of World Champion, Tom Boonen's multicoloured Rainbow Jersey.

A perplexed Boonen said afterwards, "He kept staring at my jersey with this strange look of awe-filled terror or something. His pupils looked really dilated. For the first couple of kilometers he cycled right next to me constantly staring before he finally got distracted by a billboard advertising blue cheese or something."

Although many cyclists are generally quick to deny allegations of substance abuse, Grooverson has in this instance openly admitted his guilt. Controversially however, he seems to be standing by his decision to take the banned substance.

Shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly, Grooverson said, "So I popped a few 100 "Mics" before the race - what's the big ballyhoo? God knows you need something to keep yourself entertained out there. Do you have any idea how boring it is to ride a bike for 7 hours without mental stimulation?"

Grooverson then added jokingly, "Actually it was more like 20 hours in my case".

The small assembly of French journalists, all passionate about the sport of cycling, did not appear amused by Grooverson's cheeky self-deprecation.

Grooverson then, responding to their stern-facedness, said, "What's the matter with you guys? What? Why are you looking at me like that? You know you French - you've got no sense of humour that's your problem".

Despite admission of his guilt, Grooverson has yet to be issued a formal punishment, as authorities await the results of his B sample analysis.

LSD appears on World Anti-Doping Agency's list of banned substances and its use can be punished by a two-year ban.

The International Cycling Union (UCI) announced on Wednesday that a rider had tested test positive for a banned semisynthetic psychedelic drug, especially popular during the sixties, but would not reveal its specific name, or the identity of the guilty party.

Following this statement though, Grooverson, no stranger to psychedelic drug controversies, immediately had question marks hanging over him.

After releasing an acclaimed but clearly drug-inspired concept album consisting solely of Theremin, vibraphone and his own voice put through an echo chamber and vocoder in 2003, Grooverson was later kicked out of the 2004 Giro D'Italia after testing positive for dried mushrooms.

Authorities said they were alerted to a potential breach of regulation when they spotted Grooverson at the back of the pelaton giggling deliriously to himself for no apparent reason.

This years Tour marked Grooverson's return to competitive racing. With this latest disgrace however, his cycling career now appears to be hanging in the balance. He does however plan to release a double album combining the sound of bicycles being crushed with a string quartet and piccolo this winter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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