Written by Simon Saunders

Monday, 1 October 2012

image for England Out Of ICC Twenty20 Slogging World Cup
A familiar sight for Englands "batsmen"

As predicted by many, England have been sent packing from the tournament after suffering defeat in the Super 8 group match versus host nation Sri Lanka.

Defeat to Sri Lanka was not unexpected as they are many peoples tip to win the worlds best sloggers crown.

A post mortem into Englands pitiful display has already been opened by ECB bigwigs. ECB Chairman, Giles Clarke, described Englands performance as being "total shite."

Professional Yorkshireman and the original grumpy old man, Sir Geoffrey Boycott, reckons England players should not be allowed back into the country unless they agree to take coaching lessons from his mother.

The competition started well for England as they obliterated the cricketing powerhouse that is Afghanistan by 116 runs with Luke Wright blindly swinging his way to 99 not out off 55 balls and pie-chucker/eater Samit Patel taking 2 for 6 with his off spin. The Afghans haven't taken a hammering like that since the height of the so-called "War on Terror."

Next up for England was India.

After allowing India to pile up 170 for 4 England may have fancied their chances. It wasn't to be. England folded like a little girl as they amassed an awe inspiring 80 all out. This is the lowest score ever by a test playing nation at the Twenty20 Slogging World Cup. At least England set one record. Even the all loving Gandhi would've mocked this abysmal display from a piss poor England.

Englands continued inability to play spin caused their demise. Despite this, England captain Stuart Broad dismissed the suggestion that they can't play spin. Behind the scenes however, England coach Andy Flower had a meeting with former Labour party spin expert Alastair Campbell to see if he could help with the dilema. Campbell compiled a dossier overnight which advised giving the England batsmen four foot wide bats to combat the issue. Not very helpful advice as it would be completely illegal. Something Campbell is familiar with.

In spite of the debacle against India, England made it to the Super 8's thanks to the win against the mighty Afghan team.

The opening Super 8's game was against the West Indies and surprise surprise England lost despite Irishman Eoin Morgan walloping his way to 71 not out off 36 balls.

Englands second Super 8's game versus New Zealand proved more fruitful for England with Steven Finn perfecting the skill of knocking off the bails while delivering the ball. This was perhaps the brightest moment of the tournament for England although Luke Wright would argue that his second big knock (76 off 43) would overtake Finn's wonderful talent.

In his final press conference of the competition, Stuart Broad completely missed his chair and fell flat on his backside. Perhaps this is the perfect metaphor for his captaincy.

In summary, this will be a tournament to forget for England. Kevin Pietersen's omission left England with a batting line up more inexperienced than a 12 year old midget at an OAP's high jump competition and with about as much chance of winning as the vertically challenged child has. The KP saga continues to rumble on like a fat blokes gassy gut and Englands only wins came against a war torn Afghanistan and New Zealand, a country with more sheep than people.

It's just not cricket.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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