Will Alan Hansen Ever Shut Up About Balotelli And Actually Criticise Liverpool?

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Saturday, 7 April 2012

image for Will Alan Hansen Ever Shut Up About Balotelli And Actually Criticise Liverpool?
A Brick Wall. Waiting For Another Balotelli Car Crash.

If BBC coverage is anything to go by, at least according to the vampiric looking TV pundit Alan Hansen, Manchester City are a club in crisis, yet everything in the Anfield garden is looking distinctly rosy.

Hansen's criticism of City striker Mario Balotelli (Who actually scores goals now and again) has been well documented, as has his criticism of City boss Henry Mancini (The scarf wearing composer of the Pink Panther theme music and ex-professional world champion boxer) who he claims needs to get a grip on the City situation before it gets completely out of hand.

Yet nothing about Liverpool.

Possibly it's because his old golfing buddy, King Kenny is currently holding the reins at Anfield that Hansen has not, as yet, railed against his former employers? Or is it that he considers the £110 million in transfer outlay by the Scousers has been money well spent?

Perhaps he just has a thing about £35 million pony tailed Geordies and a sympathetic bent towards South American internationals who bear a vague resemblance to Red Rum and have a tendency to bite the opposition's ears off?

As Liverpool FC "enjoy" their worst sequence of top flight results in 50 years, the disturbing question of whether Alan Hansen will ever point an accusing finger at his unintelligable former team mate remains.

With Liverpool currently out of Champions League contention, and thirty-something points adrift of the leaders, looking unlikely to be able to challenge even the Cockney outfits, it would appear to be a logical progression for Alan Hansen to stop criticising Mario Balotelli, and perhaps cast his eye over the critical situation at a rapidly melting down Anfield.

But it probably won't happen.

Which is odd, considering that Alan Hansen's bumper salary is funded by TV licence payers money, so one would imagine that at the very least he could do the job for which he is so handsomely paid.

But no. It's unlikely that he'll ever do that.

Skoob Sports News's occasional nonsensical contributor, Martin Shuttlecock, had this to say:

"Alan Hansen? Who? Oh...him...you mean that one off Match Of The Day who looks liked a pissed up vampire/zombie or something? Yeah, I've seen him play, back in the day. People used to say he was a 'cultured' centre back/midfielder. What a load of bollocks. He couldn't tackle, he was shit in the air, and all he ever did when he stumbled onto the ball would be a square pass of a maximum four yards because he always looked nervous. Anyway...he won't criticise Liverpool. Not ever. I reckon he's a bit delusional meself, always banging on about how shit Balotelli is. Maybe he lives in Wrexham or somewhere in North Wales, which is where three quarters of the Kop live, and he's scared to say anything in case they go round his house and smash his windows. Whereas he can criticise Balotelli all he wants because he isn't likely to visit Wythenshawe any time soon for a good kicking. Mind you - I'm a United fan so I don't really give a toss anyway. Come in number 20 - oh yes!"


More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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