Race Horses to be given sensible names

Funny story written by IainB

Saturday, 12 November 2011

image for Race Horses to be given sensible names
JalapeƱo Glass-World the Third is coming up on the inside of Esoteric Mind Games with Beermat Soaking bringing up the rear

Race horses have been given names like Happen-stance Roadwork and Mountaineer Roadblock the Fifth for far too long according to the Equine Naming Institute.

"It is getting sillier and sillier," said Hopwood Felicitous, co-ordinator of horse names at the ENI. "Some of the names that we are asked to validate of late are just astoundingly silly, darling."

The ENI's main role, and Felicitous's role also, is to ensure that names that owners wish to assign their horses have never been used before. This will ensure that there can never be another Red Rum, Shergar or Mr Ed.

"We do this so that people realise that the horse running is not the one that won the Grand National a century ago," said Felicitous. "Even though horses patently don't live a hundred years, darling. We can't have any room for confusion."

However, this rule has left horse owners coming up with ever more elaborate names like Diamond Zoom Zoom and Training Ground Bust-up.

"Owners claim this is because there are so many horses that coming up with unique names is far too hard, darling," said Felicitous. "We have since discovered that Eddie Stobart has managed to do it for all his trucks, darling. He's got thousands of trucks, and they all have unique girls names on the side."

The ENI would obviously allow boys names also, effectively doubling the number of names available.

"We want to see Dorothy Mary beating Jane Yvonne by a neck," said Felicitous. "It'll allow people to understand the names more easily, Darling. Plus a lot of people pick horses based on their name, how much more would they have in common with a horse if it had one of their names? Or the name of their Great Aunt Edith Rose?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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