Whipsnade Tragedy: Giant Snail Crushed by Pygmy Hippo
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel
19:30 Celebrity Countdown Outtakes: the funniest moments from Donald Trump and Priti Patel
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Says Soap Is The Answer
"Soap, right? You wash your hands to kill it. I'm asking, could we get the soap inside the body? Through the skin? Almost a cleaning? It does a tremendous number on the lungs. Can we look at that?"
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump: Electric Light To Help Fight Corona
"The light kills it. If we use tremendous amounts of light. Even at night. We have electric light, right? Can we get it inside the body? And the neon. I'm not a doctor but we'd be 24/7."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
"Fire Kills Corona", Claims Trump
"Could we hit the body with a tremendous amount of fire? I've seen the fire. It kills everything. Can we look at getting it inside the body? Fire is so big. It's not even size, it's genius."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Vim Shares Plummet After Trump Debacle
An ambrotype depicting Donald Trump playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Louis Pasteur weeps in despair, has been stolen from Bill Gates' underground World Domination HQ.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump: Vim Will Help Ud Beat Corona
"Can we look at Vim? They have Vim in the UK, though there's a shortage. They're using it. It kills Corona. It's like a powerful powder. The women powder their noses, right? It's ready to go."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Camel Humps "Kill Corona" Claims Trump
"The camels don't have corona. They have the humps. Some of 'em have two. That's gotta be worth looking into. Even the ones with no humps have a little hump. Almost a hump. Like the Limas of Peru."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Stevenage Menaced by Rogue Capybara
More Highlights from The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Celebrity Gibberish:
Can new girl Priti Patel hope to challenge Donald Trump?
22:00 Movie: Humpty Dumpty Goes To Seed, starring James Corden
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Latest: Jugged Hare Could Help WIth Corona
"Trump is one cat that's slated for crashville", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That disinfectant shit is a real zonk on the head. If a square don't know his groceries, he should can the lip."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Says Glue Made From Horses Will Kill Coronavirus
"Trump's statements about using disinfectant to cure COVID-19 were appalling", Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha said, yesterday. "It's obvious to me, even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
I'd Try Chimpanzee Serum Toothpaste, Claims Trump
Famous cook Delia Smith is a fan of Donald Trump. "I want him to whip my naked body with live eels and cover me in disinfectant", she told Good Morning Britain presenter Susannah Reid, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trafalgar Nelson "An Impostor", Claims Dorset Rapist
Famous cookery author Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "The Pagan Cult I lead is based at Yaxham", she said, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
