Sussex Judge Damaged By Moths
"Donald Trump is a lying narcissist who shouldn't be anywhere near public office", claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I can see it even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Tim Rice's Nude Ann Widdecombe Yoga Horror
Ely milkman Nicodemus Palge is selling his collection of Etruscan Cinerary Urns. "I need the room", he said, yesterday. "Besides, terracotta is so yesterday", he added, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Stock Market Fall Spells Trouble For Scrabble Firm
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is an admirer of Captain Beefheart. "While I was inventing my Norfolk Four-Course Crop Rotation System, I had Trout Mask Replica blasting out all day", he said yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Would Alan a Dale Have Used Vim, Or Would He Have Been An Ajax Man?
The Two David Livingstones have taken advantage of the Coronavirus lockdown in their Littlehampton semi. "We've moved the Toby Jugs into the lounge", said David Livingstone, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Are Tardigrades The Future of Livestock Farming Post-COVID-19?
"Vinegar works wonders on windows", says veteran entertainer Rolf Harris. "They come up lovely and clean. Mind you", he adds, "I leave mine dirty to stop the snooping bastards seeing what I'm doing."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
WH Auden Inspired Me, Claims Crazy Paving Designer
...while Piscean pig farmers should avoid baking foil. A Mulatto dwarf will bring bad news to Sagittarian tightrope-walkers. Unemployed Librans would do well to steer clear of human compost.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Women Love Wife-Beaters Claims Archbishop
"I love the lemurs of Madagascar", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "Those crazy cats really are gone."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Blue Peter Star John Noakes Masturbated In My Kitchen, Claims Diane Abbott
An Ancient Greek Panel Painting of Kitchener of Khartoum playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Epimenedes of Cnossos hand washes his string vests has been stolen from Adele's handbag.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Barrage Balloon Mistaken For James Corden
"That Minoan Art was right on", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That's some crazy ceramic shit."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Thomson's Gazelle Nibbled My Briefings Claims Boris Johnson
At Chichester pub The Running Sore, landlord Colin Drab is desperate: "We've no more room for these papier mache busts of Hereward The Wake. I've asked the Vicar if we can put some in the church."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
