Trivets Are Back!
Alfred, Lord Tennyson is a fan of the Epic of Gilgamesh. "That's some heavy shit, man", he says. "Those Mesopotamians were crazy cats. They were real gone."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Michael Gove Drank My Sperm Claims Rabbi
"Leave those pangolins alone, baby!" says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "They're so hip to the scene. Hey, those cats are layin' down some cool grooves. Lay off, China!"
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Judge's Nude Moon-Worshipping Shame
Mayor of Canterford, Abelard Siskin, loves the work of late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe. "Just finished Squaw-Beating with the Blackfoot Sioux and Rogering My Way Through Matabeleland", he grins.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Wordsworth Kept Emailing My Mother Claims York Moron
A brass rubbing from a Victorian mausoleum of Bix Beiderbecke playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Erik Satie rubs peanut butter into Annie Besant's buttocks has been left on a train.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Halifax Man Kept Imaginary Dugong in Bath
Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson's Special Advisor, breeds moles in his spare time. "He's always trying to teach them to beg," says a Westminster source.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Cardboard Bishop Scandal Rocks Bury St Edmunds
"My Great Uncle Norman knew German philosopher Martin Heidegger", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He used to come into Norman's shop in Leeds to buy snuff and gobstoppers."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Dead Cat Discovered in Lady Gaga's Vagina
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artefact's project to recreate the Papier Mache Hot Water Bottles of the Indus Valley has hit a snag. "You can't get the beetles for the glue", he says.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
My Nude Warthog Wrestling Hell by Alan Titchmarsh
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris has some advice about the Coronavirus social distancing. "Just keep your distance when you're out and about," he says. "Indoors, nobody can see you."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Philip Schofield Drank Milk From My Daughter's Breasts
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "The ensuites are all full of them now," says landlord, Colin Drab.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
"The Wombles Led Me Astray" Claims Rolf Harris
"I wrote John Cage's silent piano piece 4' 33" claims Devon watering-can repairer, Adelbert Lossiemouth. "I recorded it on a cassette to prove it."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
