There were 58 spoof news snippets published in April 2020. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Stop & Shop
I went to Stop and Shop yesterday and found 50 dollars. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Just sitting there in the register.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Lazy
My lazy friend was busted for hitch-hiking while j-walking. He was thumbing for piggy-backs.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Tree Bank
They just set up a new bank in a tree. It was a small branch.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Zombie Comedian
The zombie comedian killed his audience with gutsy deadpan humor.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Kitten
My students were mortified when I plugged a kitten into my computer, but they did the same with a mouse.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Apple Insider
An insider told me that Apple computers are really PC's at their core.
written by Butch, 01 April 2020
Harry And Meghan
Has Prince Harry become a stay-at-home father, while Meghan continues her Hollywood career?
written by K.C. Bell, 02 April 2020
CNN's Infected Chris Cuomo Has A Transforming Experience
The anchor gained a new perspective yesterday. By attempting to get rid of the coronavirus by jamming a gushing fire hose up his nose, he flushed out all that lefty-progressive sh*t from his brain.
written by Trinculoman, 03 April 2020
Senator Klobuchar and Judge Jeannine Pirro in Partisan Cat Fight
VP hopeful Klobuchar/Judge Jeannine are at it tooth-and-nail! Seems like they both want Mike "Pillow Guy" Lindell as their personal Boy-Toy. Amy claims home turf MN rights, but the Judge overruled it.
written by Trinculoman, 03 April 2020
Al Gore Declared a National Health Menace
President Trump used emergency powers to have Gore arrested by US Marshals in hazmat suits. Turns out that the ex-VP was farting the coronavirus continuously in numerous venues in the nation's capital.
written by Trinculoman, 04 April 2020
Speaker Pelosi Inserting Specific, Critical Items in The Infrastructure Bill
Pelosi's draft of forthcoming Bill includes a provision for free replacement in perpetuity of false dentures worn by California female octegenarians who have had multitudinous facial restructurings.
written by Trinculoman, 04 April 2020
New York Governor Cuomo Acquires Yet Another Accolade
Gov Cuomo can add one more plaque to his Albany office wall, after being named Chief Capo of Meatball and Italian-Sausage Suckers of America.The prestigious honor is awarded by the Don Corleone Institute.
written by Trinculoman, 09 April 2020
Little Known Career Fact About CNN Anchor Don Lemon
He was one of the early recipients of the "Ignoramus Maximus" degree from Pee Wee Herman Extension School of Journalistic Irrelevancy of No Fork, North Dakota. Chuck Dodd of NBC has also got one.
written by Trinculoman, 09 April 2020
Mexican Government Praises Drug Cartels for their COVID-19 Etiquette
"Maintaining quarantine guidelines with house to house shoot-outs".
written by C/L, 11 April 2020
Doctor Anthony Fauci Makes an On-Air Diagnosis of Mark Cuban's Disease
Crack diagnostician Fauci instantly defined the nature of Cuban's illness on Fake News Sunday. The Doc says Cuban has severe diarrhea of the mouth complicated by the complete absence of brain matter.
written by Trinculoman, 12 April 2020
"The Wombles Led Me Astray" Claims Rolf Harris
"I wrote John Cage's silent piano piece 4' 33" claims Devon watering-can repairer, Adelbert Lossiemouth. "I recorded it on a cassette to prove it."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Philip Schofield Drank Milk From My Daughter's Breasts
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "The ensuites are all full of them now," says landlord, Colin Drab.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
My Nude Warthog Wrestling Hell by Alan Titchmarsh
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris has some advice about the Coronavirus social distancing. "Just keep your distance when you're out and about," he says. "Indoors, nobody can see you."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Dead Cat Discovered in Lady Gaga's Vagina
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artefact's project to recreate the Papier Mache Hot Water Bottles of the Indus Valley has hit a snag. "You can't get the beetles for the glue", he says.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Cardboard Bishop Scandal Rocks Bury St Edmunds
"My Great Uncle Norman knew German philosopher Martin Heidegger", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He used to come into Norman's shop in Leeds to buy snuff and gobstoppers."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Halifax Man Kept Imaginary Dugong in Bath
Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson's Special Advisor, breeds moles in his spare time. "He's always trying to teach them to beg," says a Westminster source.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Wordsworth Kept Emailing My Mother Claims York Moron
A brass rubbing from a Victorian mausoleum of Bix Beiderbecke playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Erik Satie rubs peanut butter into Annie Besant's buttocks has been left on a train.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Judge's Nude Moon-Worshipping Shame
Mayor of Canterford, Abelard Siskin, loves the work of late travel writer Sidney Yardbrushe. "Just finished Squaw-Beating with the Blackfoot Sioux and Rogering My Way Through Matabeleland", he grins.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Michael Gove Drank My Sperm Claims Rabbi
"Leave those pangolins alone, baby!" says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "They're so hip to the scene. Hey, those cats are layin' down some cool grooves. Lay off, China!"
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
Trivets Are Back!
Alfred, Lord Tennyson is a fan of the Epic of Gilgamesh. "That's some heavy shit, man", he says. "Those Mesopotamians were crazy cats. They were real gone."
written by Erskin Quint, 15 April 2020
California Man Finally Understands Belly-Button Lint After Self-Isolation
Reid Moore, a SoCal resident, never considered belly button lint in the days when he showered daily. But, due to self-isolation, he's come to realize that dust inevitably settles on sedentary bodies.
written by Reid Moore, 18 April 2020
Kim Kardashian Offers Inspirational Guidance for COVID-19
"Remember, if you lose a loved one to the virus, wait until the end of the day to cry so you will not mess up your fresh makeup!"
written by Reggie "Rex" Stain, 17 April 2020
Fan Seeks Kim Kardashian Guidance for COVID-19
“I know she has inspired me with makeup tips and how to recover from a Brazilian butt-lift, but I need her now more than anything as a celebrity epidemiologist. Please, Kim!"
written by Reggie "Rex" Stain, 17 April 2020
Trump Corrects Himself in Recent Plan to Reopen America
Absent from the plan to Reopen America were the 5 US Territories. Trump corrected this, adding “Those Foreigner States” can jump right to Phase 3 with no restrictions as "nobody goes there anyway."
written by Reggie "Rex" Stain, 17 April 2020
Biden Campaign Makes Key Staffing Announcement
In a critical move the campaign revealed that former Congressman Anthony Weiner has been named Sexting Guru. He'll be the direct campaign liaison with the Girl Scouts of America.
written by Trinculoman, 18 April 2020
Dr. Deborah Birx Surprises White House Press Corps With a Unexpected Romantic Announcement
The normally staid and data-enmeshed MD stunned the ever combative W. H. Press pool of cynics by announcing she will be the next Mrs. Larry King. Said Annaconda of ConNews, "Debbie We Hardly Knew Ye!"
written by Trinculoman, 18 April 2020
Thomson's Gazelle Nibbled My Briefings Claims Boris Johnson
At Chichester pub The Running Sore, landlord Colin Drab is desperate: "We've no more room for these papier mache busts of Hereward The Wake. I've asked the Vicar if we can put some in the church."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Barrage Balloon Mistaken For James Corden
"That Minoan Art was right on", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That's some crazy ceramic shit."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Blue Peter Star John Noakes Masturbated In My Kitchen, Claims Diane Abbott
An Ancient Greek Panel Painting of Kitchener of Khartoum playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Epimenedes of Cnossos hand washes his string vests has been stolen from Adele's handbag.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Women Love Wife-Beaters Claims Archbishop
"I love the lemurs of Madagascar", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "Those crazy cats really are gone."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
WH Auden Inspired Me, Claims Crazy Paving Designer
...while Piscean pig farmers should avoid baking foil. A Mulatto dwarf will bring bad news to Sagittarian tightrope-walkers. Unemployed Librans would do well to steer clear of human compost.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Are Tardigrades The Future of Livestock Farming Post-COVID-19?
"Vinegar works wonders on windows", says veteran entertainer Rolf Harris. "They come up lovely and clean. Mind you", he adds, "I leave mine dirty to stop the snooping bastards seeing what I'm doing."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Would Alan a Dale Have Used Vim, Or Would He Have Been An Ajax Man?
The Two David Livingstones have taken advantage of the Coronavirus lockdown in their Littlehampton semi. "We've moved the Toby Jugs into the lounge", said David Livingstone, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Stock Market Fall Spells Trouble For Scrabble Firm
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is an admirer of Captain Beefheart. "While I was inventing my Norfolk Four-Course Crop Rotation System, I had Trout Mask Replica blasting out all day", he said yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Tim Rice's Nude Ann Widdecombe Yoga Horror
Ely milkman Nicodemus Palge is selling his collection of Etruscan Cinerary Urns. "I need the room", he said, yesterday. "Besides, terracotta is so yesterday", he added, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Sussex Judge Damaged By Moths
"Donald Trump is a lying narcissist who shouldn't be anywhere near public office", claims Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I can see it even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 19 April 2020
Trafalgar Nelson "An Impostor", Claims Dorset Rapist
Famous cookery author Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "The Pagan Cult I lead is based at Yaxham", she said, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
I'd Try Chimpanzee Serum Toothpaste, Claims Trump
Famous cook Delia Smith is a fan of Donald Trump. "I want him to whip my naked body with live eels and cover me in disinfectant", she told Good Morning Britain presenter Susannah Reid, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Says Glue Made From Horses Will Kill Coronavirus
"Trump's statements about using disinfectant to cure COVID-19 were appalling", Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha said, yesterday. "It's obvious to me, even though I died in 1851."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Latest: Jugged Hare Could Help WIth Corona
"Trump is one cat that's slated for crashville", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "That disinfectant shit is a real zonk on the head. If a square don't know his groceries, he should can the lip."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Stevenage Menaced by Rogue Capybara
More Highlights from The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Celebrity Gibberish:
Can new girl Priti Patel hope to challenge Donald Trump?
22:00 Movie: Humpty Dumpty Goes To Seed, starring James Corden
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Camel Humps "Kill Corona" Claims Trump
"The camels don't have corona. They have the humps. Some of 'em have two. That's gotta be worth looking into. Even the ones with no humps have a little hump. Almost a hump. Like the Limas of Peru."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump: Vim Will Help Ud Beat Corona
"Can we look at Vim? They have Vim in the UK, though there's a shortage. They're using it. It kills Corona. It's like a powerful powder. The women powder their noses, right? It's ready to go."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Vim Shares Plummet After Trump Debacle
An ambrotype depicting Donald Trump playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Louis Pasteur weeps in despair, has been stolen from Bill Gates' underground World Domination HQ.
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
"Fire Kills Corona", Claims Trump
"Could we hit the body with a tremendous amount of fire? I've seen the fire. It kills everything. Can we look at getting it inside the body? Fire is so big. It's not even size, it's genius."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump: Electric Light To Help Fight Corona
"The light kills it. If we use tremendous amounts of light. Even at night. We have electric light, right? Can we get it inside the body? And the neon. I'm not a doctor but we'd be 24/7."
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Trump Says Soap Is The Answer
"Soap, right? You wash your hands to kill it. I'm asking, could we get the soap inside the body? Through the skin? Almost a cleaning? It does a tremendous number on the lungs. Can we look at that?"
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
Whipsnade Tragedy: Giant Snail Crushed by Pygmy Hippo
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel
19:30 Celebrity Countdown Outtakes: the funniest moments from Donald Trump and Priti Patel
written by Erskin Quint, 25 April 2020
President Trump Implements His Meat Industry Relief Plan
Ordering the importation of millions of pounds of bat meat from China.
written by C/L, 29 April 2020
Sales of New COVID-19 Perfume Tank
Industry analysts say the whole project is being ventilated.
written by C/L, 29 April 2020
Whereabouts of Kim Jung Un Discovered
He's stuck in quarantine at Dennis Rodman's house in L.A.
written by C/L, 29 April 2020
