Department store merger
After the success of the merger of HMV and H&M to make H&MV, two major department stores are to merge and will henceforth be known as Primarks and Spencer.
written by IainB, 08 November 2013
NYC's Bloomberg led the way on trans fats ban #2
NYC Police: "Sorry Mam, but we have to confiscate these doughnuts. They're dangerous. We will dispose of them at headquarters."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Furious Israel confronts USA.
"Your President cut a deal leaving Iran with nukes", says Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu. "Now we know, as the rest of the nations know over the U.S. spying, they cannot be trusted."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
NRA beat Bloomberg anti-gun group in 65 of 67 Va. delegate races
NRA Spokesman: It's all over but the shooting...shouting!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Grocery Stores Hate Him!
Save 90% on groceries and no coupons. Let Festus Farkle show you how. "I just eat as I dodge the cameras", says Festus. But where are the cameras? Send $20 and save a mint.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Fake Faded Tee Shirts Selling on Ebay
Spent $40 for used 1973 Eagles Tour Shirt? You have been ripped off as people printing new stuff & dragging them behind motorcycles to look old. Check for things like "Special Guest: Grandpa Jones".
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Over 40 Cute Plus-Size Outfits on Sale from $1.99!
Every day as long as they last. Some slightly used. See your local Goodwill Stores!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
UC Berkeley Bans Term 'Illegal Immigrant'
From now on they will be referred to as "Holy Honored guests with requests for citizenship until they take over the country".
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Shakespeare Played Flugelhorn Till We Cried
Research finds there is a brain link for words, music ability. Shakespeare could play a mean flugelhorn while Da Vinci was a whiz at the penny whistle.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Daily Mail Raises Fears As Astronomers Estimate One In Five Suns Has Habitable Worlds
'There must be untold numbers of intelligent extra-terrestrials,' concluded the paper's editorial, today. 'Our government must ensure that none are allowed to enter the UK.'
written by Swan Morrison, 08 November 2013
Game of chess and the rubber ducky make it into the Toy Hall of Fame
Mister Messager left off list once again as is Pocket Rocket!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #1664
According to Snoops: While most people know the story of the apple falling off the tree and hitting Sir Isaac Newton on the head, few realize that he later got rich from selling Apple-Head Dolls!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
After Chernobyl, they refused to leave
"We were all promised good jobs with a U.S. Circus."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
3-D printer makes metal gun
"NOW try to disarm us", says representative of NRA.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Feds boosting mental health access, treatment
"After all, we're all just about nuts over this health insurance thing", states Sebelius.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
'We were wrong': CBS's Lara Logan apologizes for Benghazi report
We almost slipped up and criticized the President, they now say. That would have broken our promise never to criticize a president. (Thunder in background).
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
75-year-old man arrested for drugs, prostitution in sweep at senior citizen complex.
"Just wanted to prove a point!", he cackles. "We ain't dead yet!"
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Furious Israel confronts USA.
Obama secretly lifted Iran sanctions months ago. "I don't see any nation on earth can trust the United States anymore", says Ambassador.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #1119
According to Snoops: While Ray, Jay and Fay Leno were not triplets, Ray and Fay were twins. Jay came along two months later.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #332
According to Snoops: During her appearances on TV, Phyllis Diller always had to smile. If she ever frowned, the studios were afraid it would traumatize every kid in America.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
VP Biden congratulates wrong man in Boston mayor's race
Apparently "thought it was that George Strait or is it Straight George? Or the Gay one that Rod Stewart sang about."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Did You Know Every New Car Has a Secret Price?
Also, that every cat has a secret name? (T.S. Elliot)
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
How Big of a Threat Are Near-Earth Asteroids?
"Well, yep. There waz that one last week that set the dogs to howling for a month of Sundays", says Herman Don Looney in Arkansas. "Month 'fore, one gave Brother Verber permanent hair parting."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Senator John McCain - The Olé Senator
Arizona Senator John McCain says he is sick and tired of all of the ongoing immigration rhetoric. He suggests to just make Mexico the 51st state and be done with the whole darn problem.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 November 2013
The Government Is Going On A Trans Kick
The U.S. government has announced that it will be focusing on the matter of trans fats. It hints that next on the agenda will be the issue of transgenderism.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 November 2013
NYC's Bloomberg led the way on trans fats ban
"Butt...argues many in New Jersey, it was our own Governor who modeled it!"
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Iran - Metaphorically Speaking
Iran is insisting that Israel surrender or else she will be swallowed up like Kirstie Alley devouring a Hostess Twinkie.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 November 2013
The Mayor of Toronto is Cracking Up
Canadian citizens Celine Dion and Shania Twain both suggest that Toronto's crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford be deported to Detroit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 November 2013
EU more cautious as nations approach 2030 climate targets
"Let's say, 2030 and six months...or possibly 2050?"
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
The Principal Said The Purse Was Kinda Cute
A 13-year-old boy in Kansas was suspended for taking a Vera Bradley Purse to school. The principal said he was not sent home because of the purse but because of his Kim Kardashian Open-Toed Pumps.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 November 2013
Obama apologizes to people losing health coverage
"I apologize. It wasn't my fault, mind you. But, I apologize. There, happy now?" (MSNBC Announcer: Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have said it better." Pauses to wipe eyes).
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
FAA expects 7,500 private drones in US airspace.
Every Airline in America expecting fewer fliers.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Philadelphia voters elect a Whig to public office for first time in 160 years.
Defeats Copperhead candidate by a landslide.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
'Botched' Traffic Alert From State's DOT Warns Motorists Of 'Women Drivers, Rain, Obamacare'.
Snow, sleet, tornadoes and volcano ready to blow on Broadway and Pine!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Website spews garbled computer code at frustrated Obamacare users.
But recorded bad language messages from those frustrated easily understood, but impossible to accomplish.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Delaware Spends $4 Million to Enroll 4 People on Obamacare?
Make that three. One has cancelled after being assigned a doctor in India.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Summers Blames Glitches on Government Brain Drain..
"I mean, look who's been in the Oval Office for the past five administrations."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
NC Health Exchange: Only 1 Person Signed Up So Far, But Hasn't Paid
"Probably a politician. They're always slow to pay. But miss one payoff and they're calling day and night", says person asked not to be shot.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Southern California High School Under Intense Pressure To Drop 'Arab' Mascot.
"Well, there goes the school song 'Ahab The Arab' also", says steamed coach and principal.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Man shot during 'stop the violence' basketball tournament.
Straight News apparently trying to outdo The Spoof News Snippets!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
UPDATE: Food Bank CEO: Welfare Cuts Causing 'Nightmare Ripple Effect'.
"There's not half the food we need. I don't know where or how they get the Ripple."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Experiment Goes Wrong
After many trial runs...scientists say tree made noise but completely missed the bear going in the woods. "Of course, we were there to hear the tree fall." Your taxes Spent!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
GOOGLE pilot program tracks you everywhere you go.
And, yes, that even includes 'in the woods'.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Feds Move fat on trains (Around to balance train cars, I guess)
I'm sorry, that should have been "Feds move on trans fat"!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Palestinians say Israel 'only suspect' in Arafat death.
Except for those that inherited his secret millions of dollars, of course.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Iranian state television broadcast simulated missile attack on Israel.
Israel: If we show one, it won't be simulated.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Wal-Mart blames technical glitch for price errors on website
Especially the one for "Foreign Wives", $50.00!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Teacher in trouble
"Good God don't jump!!" cried the elementary teacher as her student, protesting about harsh class rules, climbed the 2 metre flag pole at Heddington Polytechnic. The teacher was arrested for abuse.
written by whatinthe world, 08 November 2013
Jimmy Carter's Grandson to Run for Public Office
"I need to do something," says Jason Carter, "I feel like most of my life I've been working for peanuts."
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 08 November 2013
Obama Says He's sorry Americans Losing Insurance
Mimicking what insurance companies tell paying policy holders when they will not pay out a claim.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 08 November 2013
Hubble spots 'weird and freakish' object
"It's either an asteroid with six tails or a really big Cockroach with six legs coming back after it's children", says worker who hasn't slept since seeing the thing 4 days ago.
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Report: IRS refunded $4 billion to identity thieves #2
"A million went to one Joe Buck in New York City", stated one IRS agent. "I thought there was something fishy about that one."
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
Report: IRS refunded $4 billion to identity thieves
So what happened to those people who were supposed to get it? Oh, names on tombstones? I guess Obamacare is pretty par for the course!
written by Bureau, 08 November 2013
