Searching for Nessie's cousin in Minnesota lake
"Could be 10,000 out there as we have that many lakes", says Old Timer. "We call the one we got here, "Messie" cause she leaves big long lines of poop! Course, that may be Rada's fat boy swimming!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Kentucky Man takes too many Fat Buster Pills
Explodes sometime during the night. "He lived alone", says coroner. "Maybe he was hoping for a girlfriend. Good thing she wasn't here last night. Look what's hanging over the lamp over there."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
The longest married couple in America still going strong
He's 6-foot 8 and his "Little Snookums" 6-foot 4 inches! "I think we'll probably be shrinking from this point", jokes Hubby.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Woman finds and returns $223,600 dropped from armored car
Company thank her. Stated that they had dropped $223,601 "but we'll let that go."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
OKC Bomb Squad Says Suspicious Item Was a Burrito
"They're messy and can cause some damage but not a big threat. Lost my lunch", says officer.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Inmates learn tech sector from Silicon Valley pros
Should be able to steal you blind whenever they get out or get on computers in prison.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Kerry Explains Iran Deal
"Iran Nuclear Deal a Small Step, but possible major break though that will probably save the world from massive suicide wars for as long as anyone is alive. But it's a start."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Critics say agreement lets Iran off the hook
It also helps Democrats to prolong doing anything at all until after elections.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Jennifer Lawrence Turns Heads in a Sheer Dress
At least three nerds break their necks, at last count.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Poll: Most don't trust Obama
"If he would just come out and tell the truth every once in awhile, I'd overlook the rest", says once loyal fan.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #197
According to Snoops: Many people who already weigh 400 pounds say "forget the spoon" and eat with a small shovel.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #910
According to Snoops: Despite all their efforts, no one could ever get Koko the "Talking Gorilla" to talk on the telephone.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Deceased Man Leaves $250K, House To Pet Cats Instead Of Family.
Coroner says he was licked to death during overnight's sleep.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
10,000-year-old house uncovered outside Jerusalem?
"It just looks that old", states Hermann Lipperman. "The wife, Rachel is a horrible housekeeper. Plus, I admit I am a slob, already."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Banks threaten to charge for deposits.
Yes, and before you ask, that includes sperm banks.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Overhaul of spy programs cloaked in more secrecy.
In fact, they are so screwed up that at least half of them are spying on each other.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Secret emails expose lots of animals lost while making movies, TV
Apparently there were nearly 30 Lassies, about one every ten TV shows, lost while trying to get that stupid Timmy out of a disparate situation.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #904
According to Snoops: While most coroners agree that the first cut is the deepest, it's usually the second one that does the job!
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Community Doctor in East Tennessee Getting Old
In Flattop Mountain, Tennessee, old Doctor Miller confused rectal thermometer with regular thermometer again. Three patients now have Hepatitis.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #760
According to Snoops: During a mix-up in the 1980's, the Nobel Peace prize was awarded to Milli Vanilli!
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #108
According to Snoops: States who have Amish citizens who refuse to put bright colors on the back of their buggies for safety, have agreed to allow the wife to sit on the back waving b/w sign "STOP!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
New Warning: Morning-After Pill Doesn't Work for Women Over 176 Pounds.
"Get ready to weigh over 200 pounds", say Pill inventors.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Fed Official Proposes Regs to Counter Runs.
"You crap on a bank floor and you'll clean it up!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Troopers in big SUVs peer in on texting drivers.
Washington: That's dangerous. Just call us here and we'll tell you if anyone is texting while driving.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Police getting armored vehicles left over from Iraq.
"Just what we need here in Alaska, a frozen desert tank", sighs mayor.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Banks threaten to charge for deposits..
Customers: We're thinking about a changing to a bank that doesn't.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
President Sighs Over His Youth Memories
"I remember the last time I mad a mistake. I totally missed the potty."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Obama: I'm not a particularly ideological person.
Rand Paul: At last, something we both can agree on! How about a Pot conference?
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
A Black Mel Gibson?
Mayor throws racial tirade after drunk driving arrest; 'You F*****g Crackers'.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
The internet mystery that has the world baffled
Hacker(s) send out messages the past two years that absolutely no one can decipher.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
State confirms health website security breach.
Well, no everybody knows everything about everyone", says Spokesman. "Now we can forget that whole mess and go live our lives."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Student loses testicle in fraternity accident.
"I was trying to imitate that protester in Russia who nailed his scrotum in protest and I missed the nail!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
AMAZON workers strike in Germany.
Easy to see protesters as big tall women walk with signs concerning strike.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Bogus Accounts Dog TWITTER.
Guy fired who allowed his dog to handle customers while he slept.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Land of lincoln: IL racks up $8.8 billion in unpaid bills.
In emergency, Mafia and organized crime here call in Mexican Drug Lords for help.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Animal Deaths in Movies
HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: 27 animal deaths on 'THE HOBBIT'. PETA craps in pants.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Jimmy Carter: Americans Spoiled
People in American from Florida to Alaska take too much for granted. "Thank you for your rating!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
England batsman leaves Ashes tour of Australia
Rather unfortunately Jonathan Trott has come down with a sever case of the trotts.
written by John_L, 25 November 2013
Chew More, Eat Less? Study Finds Slow Eaters Slimmer.
The study also found their servers slimmer as well, because slower eaters cause less table turnover, causing less potential for tip earnings. It's a win all around.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 25 November 2013
Bar Owner Fatally Shoots Country Singer Over Cigarette
Was this headline's content stolen from an actual song?
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 25 November 2013
Professor's new theory
Professor Edwin L Bottletop of Battersea University has devised a theory that explains why ducks fly south for the winter. "It's too freaking cold" he says analytically. Brilliant deduction sir!
written by whatinthe world, 25 November 2013
Sopping Bar Latest Craze in France
The Sopping Bar is a big hit in Paris. You pay once price and you get all the croissants you want and choose from 20 different sops, from red-eyed gravy to chocolate.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Scientists Screwing With Genetics Again
People at restaurant to see corn cobs swimming around in tank.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Limbaugh On Pelosi
"She must have screwed up somewhere. She looks like she's had her face reduced and her rear end lifted. Walks like she's about to fall forward on her little face."
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Giada nearly FAINTS after slicing finger on live TV
"I'm glad I wasn't selling Ginzu knives!"
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Need More Respect
In order to get a little more respect, the United States Supreme Court has agreed to follow a decision by releasing either black or white smoke from newly installed chimney.
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
Slow News Day
Agnes White of Seymour, Tn. discovered that her shoe lace was untied & stopped on Main Street & tie it up. Agnes was rather disturbed by the incident, "I was afraid I'd be knocked up!"(She meant Out).
written by Bureau, 25 November 2013
