Bears in Montana A Menace
"They have learned to shake snow off trees, cause small snow slides to cover skiers, snowmobile rider and eat later as a cold supper.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Security Guard Loses Arm!
Airport security worker loses arm when check cavity of 400-pound "Mule" and drug leakage causes mule to faint.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Peeping Tom Arrested
A peeping tom was arrested in Nebraska after being caught in the act. When asked why he was peeping into 80-year-olds window, he told police he had eaten too much & was trying to make himself sick.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
About Jimmie Rogers Blue Yodel # 5
Experts now believe that Blue Yodel #56 was almost the very same as Blue Yodel #5 with one difference, Roy Rodgers did a back up on #5. Were Jimmie and Roy related?
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block #6
Includes almost perfect copy of Green Lantern/Green Arrow in gay scene that was supposed to be cut out by the publishers. Only copy known to make it through.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block #5
Includes rare Archie Comic where Jughead winds up at the Bunkers house with Gloria and the Meathead. I think there was a lawsuit from CBS.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Martha Stewart Finally Breaks A Tearful Martha Stewart Broke Down on Oprah Special
"Oh Oprah. It was awful. The jail mate I ate beside had red wine with fish and then she....she...Burped!!!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
White House Leak Discovered
VP Joe Biden charged with leaking secrets. "I can't help it if I can't keep a secret. For instance, did you know that Michelle Oba...ahem. Besides, I also have been having bladder problems."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Global Warming Expansion Causing Changes in More than Weather
Apparently, women with huge top expanding even more. Dolly Parton and a few hundred women from Hollywood, Playmates, etc. moving to Canada. Slower Snooki explodes.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Dick Cheney Exam, Heart OK
But needs new glasses and cannot be cured as a pain in the ass to Democrats because he won't try.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Poking Your Nose In
People in glass houses are poking their noses into the Co-op.
written by j.w., 22 November 2013
Mushroom Compound Offers Hope for Cancer in Dogs and Humans
Nice to know the pecking order these days. At least we beat out the cats.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Erupting volcano creates new island
So far, only two volunteers to go and settle on it are two hot mamas!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
For whom the bell cracks; Harvard sues over defective clapper
"We could stay up all night clapping but the light stays on!", says Professor.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
'Monster' cosmic blast zipped harmlessly by Earth
"Not only that but 'Monster' cosmic blast zipped harmlessly by Earth", say scientists. "Not only that but 'Monster' cosmic blast zipped harmlessly by Earth" 'Monster' cosmic blast zipped harmlessly by
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
More New Facts On Kennedy Assassination!
Man who donated brain became an idiot for nothing, according to one surgeon. "But he was given a good home."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Pittsburgh Diocese Wins Lawsuit: All Catholic Institutions Exempt.
Over one million conversions overnight! Probably more if system didn't go down.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Number of Americans on Disability Jumps 20% Since '09.
"Told you! See how easy that is, Mort? So go get the doc to take pics of that two-incher!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Burrito Causes Bomb Scare at Police Station!
Captain: "The next time you have to fart like that, Lopez, take it outside!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Mosques Must Go From Moscow?
Moscow bans construction of new Mosques. Plus no add-ons!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
CA town bans smoking in your own home.
"Yes it's true. No you can't even after sex!" Click! "That's the 109th caller so far. I think he's smoking. Send in the smoke dog."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Scientists witness massive gamma-ray burst, don't understand it.
"But those of us who watched through huge telescope now have an extra...well, let's just say we're all happy as a tom cat."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #510
According to Snoops: Before making an important speech before a massive German crowd, Adolf Hitler would often put a wasp down his pants! Watch the old newsreels!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #333
According to Snoops: Former astronaut Neil Armstrong once admitted off the record that they found the remains of a Viking civilization on the moon. "But we were not to say anything."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Alan Partridge Celebrated By Norwich As He Takes Centre Stage In The City's Christmas Lights
'It was a bit unfortunate that we had to use a fictional character,' said the Mayor of Norwich, sadly. 'Maybe one day a real person that everyone's heard of will come from Norwich.'
written by Swan Morrison, 22 November 2013
Concerns That Monty Python Reunion Show May Be Disappointing
'This is always a risk when ageing stars try to recapture their glory days,' said one producer. 'In the worst scenario, it could turn into what we now call in the trade a "Glastonbury Stones" event.'
written by Swan Morrison, 22 November 2013
Nudist Colony Hit With Sudden Freeze!
"They all froze to death", says police officer. "They look like those people-statues over there in Pompeii!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Unemployment Flat In September #2
"It's flat alright and I'm flat on my ass", says unemployed construction worker. "I know who I'd like to flatten, also."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Unemployment Flat In September
Unemployment seen flat in September. "It's flat alright. We've been flat broke since our insurance dropped and the kid got sick."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Conversation At Art Gallery
"That Picasso painting looks more like an alien than a woman."
"Really? Where and when did you see this alien?"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #1211
According to Snoops: The most afflictions of Santa Clauses at the Mall: Water On The Knee!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Dalai Lama Embarressed
The Dalai Lama was embarrassed at a recent speaking engagement when a bottle of Valium fell out of his clothing. But he never quit smiling.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Hull Wins City of Culture
North Korea wins Most Popular Countries as Tourist Destinations
written by Talking Tic-Tacs, 22 November 2013
CBS News announces president's death
Most agree that it's a little late to be announcing it now. It proves that the computer is so much faster to get you the daily news!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Scottsboro Boys get posthumous pardon in 1931 Ala. rape case
"About time that Posthumous fella got that mess straightened out", says local man.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Gov't weighs permitting cellphone calls on planes
"Ring Tones better than listening to baby's squall!", say most passengers!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #712
According to Snoops: The original boots worn by Nancy Sinatra while singing her song are now buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #204
According to Snoops: As of last January 1st, over 1,000 garbage men have been nicknamed "Pac Man". "He's within shot of "Barney Fife", says Guinness rep.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #990
According to Snoops: The Slingo toy was invented when Charles Slingo saw his grandfather tumble down 20 stairs, never missing a one. He immediately jumped up and grabbed a pencil and paper.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Obamacare signup delayed -- for 2015
Now that all these people have lost their coverage, Presidents rating now below that of a snakes belly.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Cop charged in cold case he worked
"After 25 long years, I was finally able to find myself!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Where Were You? #2
On the day Kennedy was shot? "I was distracted by that guy up there with the rifle. I tried to tell a few people but was Sssshushed!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Where Were You?
When Kennedy was shot? "Oh, on the grassy knoll. Shots woke me up as I had fallen asleep while awaiting the motorcade."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block #4
Collection will include rare issue of Superman Flying Upside Down, a mistake on the cover.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block #3
Auction will include young pimpled Daredevil before he became blind (Adults Only).
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block #2
It will include super rare Scrooge McDuck carefully placing first silver dollar into empty room.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Wis. collector puts rare comics on auction block
Will include rare one-issue of Marvel's early attempt "Granddaddy Longlegs!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
JFK Shows on TV Today & Tomorrow: 50 Years Ago
Most people: "That again? We're watching football, basketball. Now that's Today!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Racist, School Official Warns.
Mr. Peanut denies it. "It was George Washington Carver who gave us our freedom." Calls for all kids, big and small, to rebel.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Sticker shock hits health exchange shoppers.
Younger workers may go to simply saving for emergency and forget insurance entirely. "This way we can negotiate a payment plan to doctors, hospitals & save on paperwork.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Scientists witness massive gamma-ray burst, don't understand it.
Many say that it's the very thing the Borg would do to distract us.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
China to test first stealth combat drone.
"Just as soon as we are able to find it."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Iraq British Medical Survey
A British Medical Survey of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison concluded that "almost all of them suffer from conspiracy theory."
written by Auntie Matter, 22 November 2013
TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY DEMANDS CASTRATION
Los Angeles: A ten-year-old boy, Patrick Smith, has applied to a court to be castrated. Said he "didn't want to grow up like his parents and have nothing to live for but his pee-pee."
written by Auntie Matter, 22 November 2013
WINTER DRIVING ADVISORY: Omaha Cites Primary Reason for Automobile Accidents- Visibility Issues
It is difficult to see the road when one's head is up one's ass.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 22 November 2013
Those Kennedys!
A third cousin of Robert Kennedy's best friend's only son in the early 1960's has been arrested for stealing Barbie Dolls from WalMart
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Top consumer cop Cordray wary of over-regulating
"By the time we find bad dog food from China people are getting sick on veggies from South America. People just need to use their heads, grow own food, purchase locally."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
State to Return to Paper Ballots in 2016.
Computer counting may get hacked, since everything else is being hacked.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
UPDATE: Bloomberg Moves Forward With Styrofoam Ban.#2
What next? Ban on new twisty light bulbs because of all the mercury?
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Bloomberg Moves Forward With Styrofoam Ban.
That's going to make it really hard to do any shipping by packages, Mr. Bloomberg.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Rand Paul Invites Chris Christie to Fried Twinkie Summit.
"He won't be able to resist that. Might fry some ice cream too."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Obama, Dems dump 'Obamacare'.
Democrats, NBC, now calling it Ole-Bush Care.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2013
Amsterdam Pays Alcoholics BEER to Clean Streets
There's not enough overtime hours to go around.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 22 November 2013
