WH: Obama skips Gettysburg Address because of 'whole website thing'.
Skipped "whole insurance mess" by being busy on golf course.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
NYC Bans Tobacco Sales to Anyone Under Age 21
Most say they are going back to growing their own marijuana.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Breathtaking Photos of Siamese Fighting Fish
Guys joined at the nose are more than a match for the big fish!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Jackie Kennedy Relives the White House Years
Makes appearance on 'Dr. Oz, then passes back over to the other side.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
JFK's Injury Would Still Be Fatal Today
"A bullet destroyed the president's brain", his surgeon says. "Of course, most politicians in Washington today would have no problem with that."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
5 Feisty Political Family Feuds, From Cheney to Roosevelt
Best one: Photo of Lillian Carter with Billy over lap getting his bare butt whipped at 41-years-age and soused!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Monty Python To Reunite #3
"It's real," Terry Jones said of the reunion. "I'm quite excited about it! Pissed my pants! Now where are you guys? I'm over here by these Old Farts! Come out! Come out!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Monty Python To Reunite #2
"It's real," Terry Jones said. "I'm quite excited about it! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! 'And now for something completely difficult! I still got it...'Different'. That's it. 'Defecated different!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Monty Python to Reunite
"It's real," Terry Jones said of the reunion. "I'm quite excited about it! Now remind me. What is it we're all excited about?"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
U.S. military's quest for "invisible" troops and weapons drawing closer.
("Your fly's open, General!") "Who said that?"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #909
According to Snoops: Scientists agree that most people who are bitten by a radioactive spider would not become a superhero but a corpse.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #944
According to Snoops: Many experts now think that Columbus could have been Jewish. "Mate aboard states in diary that he always turned his back when peeing overboard", claims one.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Postal Workers Demand 50 Cent Stamps
The price of Prozac and Valium keeps going up according to spokesman. Also arms and bullets.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Jacksonville Loses Again
After winning their first game, Jaguars go 1-9 with this weeks loss. "One good thing, I didn't get Gatorade dumped on me like last week", says coach.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Not All Space Food Bad!
Former astronaut says Solar-Fried Chicken best chicken ever.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Amsterdam pays alcoholics in beer to clean streets
Drug addicts paid with drugs to clean up roadsides.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
UN: $200-$350 bn a year needed for Africa, Panthers Win!!
Africa will need between $200 & $350 billion a year by 2070 to shore up its defences against climate change, a UN report said Tues. By 2100, they will need 400 trillion. Patriots lose football game.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Butterball Warns Of Shortage On Fat Turkeys.
"Many have escaped and are now running the country in Washington!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Co-op Considers Changing Slogan Following Allegations About Former Banking Chairman, Paul Flowers
'We are considering: "Good With Drugs And Pornography; Not So Good With Financial Experience",' said a Co-op spokesperson to BBC News. 'Do you think that sounds as catchy as "Good With Food"?'
written by Swan Morrison, 19 November 2013
Police Hope For More Twitter Confessions As Driver Who Knocked Cyclist Off Bike, And Tweeted About It, Is Convicted
'It would be jolly helpful,' said a police spokesman, 'if more murderers tweeted something like: "It was me wot killed 'im. I'll get life if they catch me, and I'll deserve it."'
written by Swan Morrison, 19 November 2013
People Getting More & More upset Over Obamacare
"I was trying to get through to the number we were given and always getting a busy signal that I hung up", says one lady. "Then my phone rang and this poor person asked ME how she get her healthcare!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Private consulting firm warned of glitches before healthcare.gov launch
"But they couldn't wait. Now it's in a mess. But what's new about that?", says Firm spokesman.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Study Shows Anti-Wrinkle Cream Really Works
"It does?", asks Company CEO. "We gotta raise some prices here!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Obamacare 101: Why do men need to buy maternity coverage?
Also, why do women need to purchase erectile dysfunction plans?
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Compensation boost for Madoff victims
According to this mornings news, victims of Madoff will get more money refunded than original plan. Madoff was sent to prison for plagiarism of Goverment Social Security and Medicare plans.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
German parties say EU may not be able to let Turkey join
We need to wait and see if Big Bird wins in the next elections."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Don't Forget Donna Summers
Releases her new version: "She Twerks Hard For The Money".
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
He's Still Twerking
Tom Jones releases new song, "Twerking In The Coal Mines".
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Miley Cyrus Upset
"Twerk" didn't get a fair shake in losing Word of the Year!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Selfie tops twerk as Oxford's word of the year
Runners up include: gription friction and bougie! In other words (no pun intended) we're returning to baby babble.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Alec Baldwin in homophobic slur scandal
New York-Alec Baldwin's talk show may be cancelled following his vicious slur against homophobic people.Homophobes across America are said to be outraged at his comments.
written by Mickey Mac Finnigan, 19 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #119
According to Snoops: Contrary to the popular belief, bot apples and oranges are round, grown in the same state and fruit. So "Compare away" says MENSA!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #921
According to Snoops: Many people are now calling Tuesday "Dump Day" which comes one day before "Hump Day" and two days after eating all that food all weekend, especially during football season.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Mayor Rob Ford Stripped
Toronto-In the latest twist of Rob Ford's political career, members of the city council voted to have the Mayor publicly stripped of all clothing.
written by Mickey Mac Finnigan, 19 November 2013
Tom Brady drops F-Bomb on national television after Patriots loss to Panthers
"I was upset over the call and forgot I had a F...... mike on!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Unstoppable 400-Pound High School Running Back Is Largest In Nation.
However, he play only two minutes a quarter, huffing and puffing on the sideline. "Counting those hanging on, he's lugging 550 pounds down the field", say coach.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Insight - As U.S. default threatened, banks took extraordinary steps
They slicked them down so you couldn't get inside to withdraw your money.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Obamacare Failure May Shave 30% From Drug Sales.
That's the reason you are seeing those 'tip jars' when you pay your pharmacist. Also, him/her saying "Could you use some new condoms, KY Jelly, cosmetics? They're on sale."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Confused President claims '100 million' have enrolled in Obamacare
"I meant 100,000. It's easy to get confused with Oprah sneaking around the White House all day. She's lost weight and Michelle don't like it."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Mississippi Basketball Coach Accused of Biting a Player
They weren't able to put the young coach in a "time out" because it happened DURING a "time out" and that would be double indemnity, or something.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 19 November 2013
MSNBC's Bashir Apologizes For Saying Someone Should Defecate on Palin
"Did not!" "Did too." argument continues into a commercial, the best part of the program. Thus the great communicators of today thrust and parry.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Nude Woman Boards Subway, Claims To Be 'Goddess' Of Train.
Several males say they have converted to The Train Goddess Religion!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
'Global warming' protest greeted by snowstorm -- only 50 protesters show up.
Only 50 protesters show up. 49 get frostbite.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Feds rolling out new regulation every 2.5 hours.
Careful reading shows that we need to all wear straight jackets, stay indoors with everything locked up tight.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
GOOGLE to stop providing search results for child porn.
Also Safe Houses for abused women. Locations of hidden house keys.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
DC mayor signs bill allowing illegal immigrants driver's licenses.
Plus a Welcome Wagon full of goodies, one Get-Out-of-Jail Free Card, keys to the city.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Knocks Over Female Councillor in Screaming Match.
I wish this guy would quit outdoing our snippets. We couldn't even hear if the tornadoes were getting closer yesterday over all the screaming.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
Harvey Weinstein: 'Obama's Not Embarrassing, The Country is Embarrassing'.
So everybody's embarrassing but you and the President? Sounds familiar.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2013
