Florida cop nearly fired for filling out reports with phrases like 'stinky poo poo garbage'
"Sounds better than a 'shitbag', he tells reporters.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
"I think he's suffered enough": Judge
A Moscow judge said no charges will be filed against a shock artist who nailed his scrotum to cobblestones as part of a protest.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
KERRY: Iran walked away from nukes deal.
"This is something that I never even considered", says a shocked Kerry. "Iran not keeping their word."
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Richie Incognito in trouble again
Tried to pass himself off as New Jersey's Chris Christie.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Florida couple arrested and charged with carrying out 15 bank robberies
"We were hoping for a 'Bonnie & Clyde' movie deal but I guess a 'Harvey & Beulah' doesn't get it", says Harvey.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Philadelphia, a Democratic Bastion, Elects a Pig
Whoops! Made a mistake. "Philadelphia, a Democratic Bastion, Elects a Whig." "What is that, a pig with a wig?"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Calif. Thief Gets Away With 140,000 Pounds of Nuts
Police are said to be closing in on what looked like a group of at least a thousand squirrels from the air.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Clooney declares global warming skeptics to be 'stupid' and 'ridiculous'
"Also, Tuesdays are the worst days for global warming."
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #907
According to Snoops: After his death, doctors discovered that Albert Einstein's brain was much larger than the average male. However, he had no penis.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #383
According to Snoops: Only one Southern baby in 10,000 are actually found in a cabbage patch.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
SHIFT: Christie Fights Criticism He Is Too Moderate.
"Not so!!! Well, maybe. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not."
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Veterans Day: 40% Of Vets Need Food Assistance.
"There's simply not enough to go around after we feed all the illegals", says Secretary.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Demand for Armored Vehicles Booms Among Wealthy.
"It's to help get the economy booming again", says one owner.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Homeless person denied Medicaid for failing to report money he found on sidewalk as income.
"Well pardon me. How much taxes do I pay on a dollar bill that looked like somebody used for toilet paper?"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
France Has Overtaken The US In Bid For 'Great Satan' Award, Reveals Iran's Foreign Minister, Javad Zarif
'France took the lead after blocking the nuclear deal,' said a White House spokesman. 'We have plans for more drone strikes on Islamic targets, however, which should put America back in first place.'
written by Swan Morrison, 11 November 2013
Obama pays tribute to 107-year-old veteran
Richard Overton gets a handshake from the President and a big "Thank You!" for defending the U.S. during six wars and ten police actions.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Man Rescued From Having Sex With Toaster Worried
"I just hope my George Foreman Grill didn't see you guys pull me out."
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Michigan man wins million-dollar lottery again!
Then cheers break out among disappointed crowd as plunging space satellite lands on him.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
NY knish factory fire leads to nationwide shortage
Customers told to "Double up on bagels and honey!"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
NBC Gives Out Rerun of Same Evening News For a Week
Only three people call to complain and two of them were drunk!
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Man 'Buried Alive" Claws His Way Out!
"That's the third time. I'm divorcing Betty", he tells press, Betty being his 550-pound wife.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Man Dies After Drinking $54,000 Worth Of Liquid Meth: Report #2
By the time police arrived, he had mutated into a cocoon-like stage. "Better gather him up before he takes flight", orders captain.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Man Dies After Drinking $54,000 Worth Of Liquid Meth: Report
Several members of scene of the crime workers slightly injured when he exploded.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #39
According to Snoops: "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" was originally called "Rotary Telephone Dialing Syndrome".
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #880
According to Snoops: Most people who met Mamie Eisenhower in person say the woman actually oozed sex appeal.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #777
According to Snoops: Men in their 60's and older leave their fly open twice as often as men under 50, according Government 5-year Fly Study.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Safety Comes First!
Bill Calls On Porn Actors To Wear Protective Goggles! Perhaps one big condom from head to toe.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Incognito gives first interview
"I'm not a bully, you bunch of a**holes!"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
College punishes students for using gun to stop intruder.
Intruder to sue: "They actually pull a gun on me, Mama."
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
USDA set to allow China chicken in USA.
KFC: All our chickens are raised here at home in local 20,000 chickens per building...because we care!
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Carville to Obama: Try crack pipe.
"Been there, done that..as 'Barry', replies President.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Miley Cyrus smokes a joint at MTV EMAs
Then chokes through her next two songs.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Lions, Tigers, & Bears for NFL National Conference North division lead
Sorry. That should have been. Lions tame Bears for NFL National Conference North division lead (Oh My!)
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Alaska's Palin Lukewarm on Christie Talk for 2016
But hotter than a firecracker on the Fourth of July over Tea Party candidates.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
KFC Stock Down!
They have not been selling well in Afghanistan or Iraq where they are listed as "Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts".
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
The single gum theory
In breaking news, Police have revealed that President John F Kennedy's fatal head wound on November 23 1963 was caused by someone throwing chewing gum in his general direction. Yet another theory, eh?
written by whatinthe world, 11 November 2013
Before dogs became 'man's best friend,' humans regarded them as 'vermin,' scientist says
See. There is still hope for our nation's politicians.
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
What happens in Vegas DOESN'T stay in Vegas
New street lights that can record your conversations. So what did you talk about on the street while you were there last?
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Obamacare still broken!
Meanwhile: Three 20-year-old programmers build a working Obamacare website in just days (which is more than the government can do).
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Will Chris Christie run for president? 'Who knows?'
Will William Shatner run for president? Who knows? Will Horton run for president? Who's know!
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Miley Cyrus smokes a joint at MTV Enemas!
I'm sorry. That should have read, "Miley Cyrus smokes a joint at MTV EMAs!"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
Colorado College Application Includes 'Queer' As Gender Option.
What next, "Queen"? "Not Certain?"
written by Bureau, 11 November 2013
