Spoof news snippets from September 2012

Student couldn't care less if called Mike or Michael

LANGHORNE, PA--Neshaminy High School sophomore Michael Bellamy didn't really care if his English teacher Mr. Comeau called him Mike or Michael, but chose Mike because it has fewer syllables.

Kate's task

Keeping abreast of the news

Man tweets #Occupy for old time's sake

NEW YORK, NY--Paul Easthouse tweeted #Occupy today to mark the movement's one-year anniversary, then after looking at the tweet and sighing heavily, returned to his life of corporate enslavement.

Big Ben to change its tune

After extensive research, it has been shown that the BONG! BONG! BONG! of Big Ben is a secret advert for drug paraphernalia. For this reason, the tone will be changed to say "BOOM! BADA! BING!"

Greek Waiter Becomes National Hero When He Protects Protesters

Business sucks. The guy hasn't been able to insult anyone all week.

Obama goes AWOl!

President Obama has gone AWOl because he hasn't moved a thing in 4 years and is sick of his own rhetoric so he decided to follow Dr. Livingstone and if you want to know where he is, ask Stanley!

New Japanese/Taiwanese theme park to open: Senkaku Islands

A Japanese and Taiwanese capitalist is seizing the moment created by tensions between the two nations over island disputes. "Naval ships will fire water at each other while kids ride between them!"

Boston Red Sox For Sale?

Fans have been scouring eBay for the listing. We suspect price of the team will include free shipping.

New Digital Weather Channel

The Weather Channel are to launch a new TV Channel called The Weather Channel+1 so people can see what the weather was like an hour ago.

Prince Harry deployed to Afghanistan

To atone for naked pictures, claims Taliban!

"You never know..."

Perverting the Course of Justice

Yorkshire Police are teaching students of criminal law how to deal with those who pervert the course of justice. The Sun will be assisting.

French Gendarmerie look into naked royal photos

Inspector Clouseau to inspect Closer magazine.

Nick Clegg student fees apology goes viral

Now he's a POKE as well as a joke.

Spoof Snippet goes missing!

A recently written snippet disappeared today. Investigators believe it was not funny enough and was deleted by the writer.

US Drone Obliterates Scottish Pipe Band

And a bee hive.

Kate goes topless for charity!

The Duchess of Cambridge went topless for charity but didn't really mean to because Willy saw the photos and thought there's not a lot to see; OOPS! Divorce proceedings could commence soon!

Royal Family to boycott 'French Connection' clothes

It's a bit late for British Home Stores, but good news for Marks and Spencer.

Voters want a cut in migrants

The British Social Attitudes report also found that 75 per cent want to see immigration levels reduced, compared to 63 per cent in 1995.

"It's too late to bother now mate!"

Poll: Cameron cares less for UK people than last 8 PM's

Cameron was deemed to care less about the UK and its people than eight former leaders.

"And we needed a poll to prove this?"

Black + White = Gray. Romney Is Not Amused

When Romney was asked about "Fifty Shades of Grey," he retorted, "I knew a black presidency would lead to massive race mixing. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- it's just not natural."

McDonalds go meat free in India

The Golden Arches has opened its first all veggie branch in India. Anyone from the UK who wants to order anything can do so via the McDonalds call centre. Ask for Dave.

Bank robber discount

Discount clothes store Prickmark is offering a 70% discount on
balaclava helmets marked ROBBER across the forehead in a scheme with the Police authority to make bank robbers easier to spot on CCTV.

Android Table 16-pack

Android tablets are now available for bulk buy.

"Tablets can now be bought in blister packs of 16," said Anne Droyed of Android App Weekly

Ready meal manufacturers change their packaging

Manufacturers of microwavable ready meals are changing the instructions on the packaging after one consumer followed the instruction to pierce the lid, and the earring stud made the microwave explode.

Prince Harry back in Afghanistan to fly choppers bare-assed

Prince Henry has returned to Afghanistan where he's expected to fly Apache helicopters in dangerous missions. The danger level will be raised several notches as the Prince will only fly knicker-less.

French magazine print topless pics of Kate Middleton

Who knew that Harry even owned a long lens! - (No word yet on the spoof front page of Pippa's arse)

Call me Snoop Lion says Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg now wants to be known as 'Snoop Lion' after being reborn during a trip to Jamaica.
Sounds like a social security scam to me.

Obama tells voters rally: I'm just like Jay-Z

I see he's aiming for the hip-hop R'n'B vote.

In Milton Keynes Today…

A girl stepped on a frog in the Park. She took it home and wrapped it in a pillow case. The next day the frog turned into a handsome prince - she couldn't believe it and neither could her parents!

Mitt Romney in shock gaffe at fundraiser

Controversial video captures Mitt Romney saying that 47 percent of Americans 'believe that they are victims'.

Do they have a National Accident Helpline in America? COuld be popular...

Oral sextape scandal hits Royal couple. Chief Whip resigns

The now famous Royal Lug Nut Tapes have been traced back to Conservative party head quarters. The Right Honorable Simian Rench'Fister publicly defends the Chief Whip, and his right to a cycle path.

Screen Hires 'Cinema Ninjas' To Shh Film-Goers

Its good to see the Olympic Games-makers get re-employed.

Huffington Post launches in Italy

I'm looking forward to the bunga bunga party coverage.

Get Your Story Straight President Pinocchio

President Obama is misleading the American people about a spontaneous protest to an anti-Islam video vice a radical Islamic terrorist group causing the deadly attack on the US Consulate in Libya.

Nottingham Castle to be revitalised

Nottingham City Council has announced plans to revitalise Nottingham Castle to turn it into a world-class tourist destination.

"That'll please the muggers... more targets!"

Mayan Calendar Message Revealed for Red Sox

Experts re-reading the Mayan calendar now realize that the glyphs show empty seats at Fenway Park in 2012, not an asteroid as originally thought.

King's Body Found

The body of King Richard the 3rd has been discovered under a car park in Leicester. The discovery came after an archaeologist had a hunch.

Cockney Steps on "Richard III"

A Cockney builder claims to have stepped on a "Richard III". The Richard III was deposited on a footpath on the Thames embankment by a stray dog and it took him 3 hours to clean it off his shoes.

High Street store to launch a more sexy shop

A popular high street clothes shop is launching a store that sells sexy underwear and toys for the imaginative.

"We're going to call it TK-MaXXX," said a spokesman.

Kate & Wills want two children!

Prince William is desperate to be a dad and he wants two kids, he revealed.

"My neighbour says they can have two of hers - she can't afford to keep them, she's working!"

Salmond blames job losses on the Olympics

... but was delighted that it was a platform for Scottish sporting success. You can't have it both ways chubby!

Children Of The Crown

Prince William has said he wants to have two children….one for weekdays and one for Sunday best.

New Bombshell of Disastrous Statin Side Effects

Such as: Short temper - Hostility - Homicidal urges - Amnesia - Kidney failure - Diarrhea - Cramp in legs - Nerve damage - Mental awe - Liver damage & Neuropathy etc

"Oh dear, and me on 40mg a day!"

Duke & Duchess of Cambridge 'Want to do a serious job'

There's a few million proletariat citizens that would like that too!

But they have no choice in the matter, and no rich Mummy and Daddy either!

"Just thought I'd mention it like!"

Cannabis dealer allowed to keep luxuries!

He was told he could keep his household luxuries after claiming he paid for them with his £14,400-a-year state handouts.

"Good old British justice! Hah!"

Saint's Nigel Adkins caught speeding for 5th time this week!

Southampton Manager Nigel Adkins apologised and said he was desperate for points!

Men's DNA in Women's Brains Could Prevent Alzheimer's

Scientists suggest that women who have sons are far less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease because they have male DNA in their brains. A study of Elton John's mum is inconclusive.

The Height of Hypocrisy

For Andrew Mitchell MP to call the police "f***ing plebs" must reach the pinnacle of hypocrisy! Either that or he is not got a mirror.

"Jesus would probably have tweeted"

The Archbishop of Canterbury imagines a day in the life of famous people for Radio 4.
I always had Jesus down as a Myspace type of guy.

Up the spout!

Prince Whotsisname wants to have two children with his wife, Kate. Is that before or after Harry gives her triplets I wonder?

If Ben Bernanke Left The Federal Reserve

would he be known as Fed-Ex?

Davina McCall lookalike on the X Factor

I'm just glad she didn't say f*ck or b*gger!
(It's a no from me)

Red-Headed Ginger nutters meet in Holland!

Gloabal "Ginger Nutters" meet in Breda, Holland; where else could they possibly get their "orange heads" together!

Pistorius is pissed!

Oscar Pistorius the "Blade Runner" is angry that a Brazilian was using stilts. The Brazilian says that he has only just bought them for his day job - picking apples.

Tory Cabinet Reshuffle Required Because…

Politicians and nappies should be changed often and for the same reason.

Ronaldo retires because he is sad (and pathetic)!

Cristiano Ronaldo is depressed (AAAHH) because he knows he will never be Numero Uno unless Lionel Messi dies, so he's retiring. He is going to Calcutta to become Mother Teresa Numero dos! Bueno Dios!

Prince Harry makes first public appearance since Vegas pics.

Thankfully, this time he kept his clothes on!

Baby Born At Camp Bastion Named...

SEBASTION

Government Hatch Secret Plan To SWELL Ranks

In a cost-cutting exercise, the MOD are going to train new recruits in Afghanistan from Cradle to Grave! A spokeman said "Our lastest squaddie was born yesterday."

India don't want British supermarkets!

Gandhi, Aldi yes! Tesco no! The latest "Raj" in India causes a supermarket war; Holy cows and Lidl!

Cabinet Reshuffle latest: Spoof writer rejects cabinet position

I am disappointed to announce I have not been promoted in the cabinet reshuffle.
In fact I don't even own an ipod.

Manchester United launch new TV Channel

Manchester United are to launch an additional channel for MUTV for the hard of hearing, called MUTE.

Don't Panic!

Keep calm and carry on… Cpl Jones' butchers van is for sale at an estimated £20,000.

Potential Killer Crayfish Invade Hamstead Heath

Swimmers who have been using some of the pools around Hampstead Heath have already received nasty nips in their nagers from huge swarms of crayfish.

Spanish magazine to try and provoke more outrage than rivals.

A Spanish Magazine has commissioned an artist to draw a cartoon of Mohammed looking at the topless pictures of Kate in an attempt to upset as many people as possible.

Nicks Knackered

Nick Clegg has apologized over not keeping pre election promises. Don't worry Nick nobody expected you too.

Nicky Minaj Raps About Voting Romney

Shouldn't that be 'craps' ???

Richard Branson halts £13bn rail deal with legal action

Makes a change from leaves on the line

2nd Victim of Abnormal Behaviour

The Orwellian EU abnormal behaviour monitoring system has caught its 2nd victim - an unnamed MP was found NOT to have claimed any expenses .

Prince Harry: "I Had to Do It"

Prince Harry said that he was aware that he was being monitored for abnormal behaviour by the EU. This practice was considered normal for the area and he did not want to stick out like a sore thumb!

Jesus' Wife's Name Discovered

A new Coptic papyrus has just been unearthed naming Jeus' wife. It's Priscilla.

Googlemail becomes GMail

With the news the Google's email is become Gmail, industry watchers are wondering what happened to fmail.

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 138

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 139

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 140

Clarissa Dickson-Wright Is Writing New Recipe Book

Food author and chef, Clarissa Dickson-Wright is in the middle of writing a new recipe book on badgers. Gordon Ramsay was heard to say: "badgers, badgers… We don't need any stinking badgers!"

A Victim of "Afghan Belly"

After suffering a bout of what she thought was "Afghan Belly" turned out to be a newborn baby boy for a Lance Cpl in Camp Bastian. "At least it's not terminal." An MoD spokesman said

Teaching Maths

15 plus 30 = 69

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 134

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 135

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 136

Mitt Romney "sucks"! Open windows in aeroplanes!

If Mitt Romney wins the election he has vowed to have open windows installed in the Presidential plane; What a "Sucker!"

Miracle in Charlotte?

God sets foot on Democratic platform, crushes delegates.

Madonna Calls Obama's Muslim Comment Ironic ?

Madonna Calls Obama's Muslim Comment"Ironic?"Well I call Madonna's Obama Comment"Moronic?"I guess isn't much for her worshipfulness since her "Imaculent Conception,"Material Girl World,went to GaGa?

Double Amputee Expelled From Paralympics

"He kept arsing about" a Games spokesperson said last night.

ere... You're Nicked!

A cardboard policeman, used to deter shoplifters has been stolen from a Sainsbury's in Barnsley. He was found by a member of the public who remarked that he looked a bit board.

Lorry Loses Hair in Halifax

A lorry passing under a low bridge in Halifax this morning shed its load of human hair of various colours, bound for a wig factory. Police are combing the area ascertain whether the load was secure.

Judge Peter Bowers says burglars are brave!

Then let the burglar off, adding: "I think prison rarely does anybody any good!"

The Pratt! It does some householder or OAP a lot of good not being burgled while the perp is in prison - The Pratt!"

HMS Ark Royal to be sold off as scrap metal

Why not moor her up as a tourist attraction?

Then sell of the metal hearts of government Ministers?

Tory MP damages 4 cars and blames Maggie Thatcher!

Sir Tony Baldry parked his Merc and it went AWOL damaging 4 cars on the way! He wasn't pissed but swore he saw his ex-boss, Maggie Thatcher, behind the wheel, but she couldn't remember a thing!

Too much Monkey business!

A man has been arrested at New Delhi airport trying to board a flight to Dubai with a seven-inch Loris monkey hidden in his underpants...I bet his new girlfriend is well pissed-off!

What a car wreck.

Lady Ga-Ga to perform Diana Tribute...hopefully a one-night stand in the back of a Mercedes-Benz W14O in the Pont de l'alma road tunnel, France!

OAPs asking for audio version of kinky novel!

50 Shades of Grey Hair: A charity which provides audiobooks for the visually impaired has had to order in extra copies to cope with demand!

"And why not?"

A Political Comedy Act

David Letterman hosted President Obama on his late night TV show, but Vice President Biden couldn't make it. Too bad that Moe, Larry and Curly were not on camera all together!

Man Utd fans attempt to commit mass suicide!

After hearing of Robin van Persie's injury masses of Man Utd fans tried to jump off of the railway bridge, but they had a guardian angel; Balotelli who saved them by throwing his money in the air!

Richard the III body found in car park

The body of King Richard the III has been discovered under a car park in Leicester.
Better than being found in a Merc in a tunnel in Paris like other royals.

Denise Welsh admit's she's a sex addict!

Well she didn't answer my begging letters...!

Topless pictures of Kate Published in France

The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be devastated that photos published in a French magazine show her with out the wig she wears to hide her alopecia

Kate 'saddened' by topless pictures

She should never have had that box of donuts last week...

Naked Royals exposed again!

First Harry, now Kate, whose next?
William, Camilla, Charles, Phillip?
Perhaps the paparazzi should quit while they're ahead!