Dali's Melted Watch is to go under the hammer!
The actual melted watch Salvador Dali worked from for his ink on paper masterpiece 'Soft Watch at Moment of First Explosion' c.1954 is being auctioned next month in Paris. I wonder if it still works!
written by Tommy Twinkle, 16 July 2011
Home and Earth
with Aunty Jean
Why are modern girls so scared of darning a gusset? The Reverend Moonbender was helping me hang out the washing one day and I thought, "if the Vicar isn't frightened to handle my gussets, then why should I be?"
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Home And Hearth
with Aunty Jean
Modern girls seem so frightened of repairing a worn gusset. They'd sooner buy new. That's not how we got through rationing and the Suez Crisis! Don't be scared of those gussets, girls!
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
The One Group In America That Is Still Holding Its Own (So To Speak)
The only group in the entire U.S. that is still doing good is the Mafia. They have not had to lay anyone off. They are actually hiring. And they have not had to ask the government for a loan.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rhode Island's Economic Situation Is Looking Bleaker and Bleaker
The governor of Rhode Island has stated if the state's economy does not get better and get better real soon he may just board up the state and have everyone move to Connecticut or Massachusetts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Iowa Does Not Fool Around When It Comes To Body Ink
The conservative state of Iowa has just enacted a law which states if they find out a woman over the age of 50 has a tattoo she will be fined $400 and told to have the tattoo removed within 72 hours.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
LeBron James Says That The New L.J. Will Kick The Old L.J.'s Ass
LeBron James has admitted that he is taking a course on how to stop acting like a rich jive ass punk and start acting like the rich mature bro he is supposed to be.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Chinese Trivets Flood Western Market
...gravy granules with Piscean Rent Boys. It is a time for Capricorns to be wary of a thumbless hitch-hiker. There is a high probability that Virgo Undertakers wil have an encounter with a Komodo Dragon.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Gorgeous Georgian Girls Are Desperate To Meet You
Have you tried the Uniform Dating sites? They are a real hoot! Last night me and a bunch of friends logged on and had an absolute riot trying to put a date on a Prussian Cavalry Uniform!
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Come To Jutland This Autumn
"See, these gangsters were the cream of the crop. Others fell by the wayside, such as Wooden Legs Diamond and Ugly Mug Floyd. Not to mention Leather Face Nelson, but I guess I already did. So sue me, ya ugly old fuck."
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Tea Cakes Are "The New Black", Claims Nun
Legs prone to trembling during sex in alley-ways or when being knighted? A dash of Spiffle! behind the knees will do the trick! "Before Spiffle! my Baked Alaska was always a disaster", says Mrs Gratuitous of Tadcaster.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
China condemns Obama meeting Dalai Lama
Chinese President Hu has condemned US President Obama's meeting with Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama today. He said, "Hey Balack! You work for us now. We tell you who you can meet."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 16 July 2011
Bishop Rescued From Treacle
Your Evening Viewing Highlights:
20:00 - Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Processed Pea Industry
22:00 - Shakespeare In Other Languages - Giles Limpid reads The Merchant of Venice in Yiddish
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Hurray For Ned Kelly's Pipe Cleaner!
Wellington hedgehog-sexer Herbert Cludge is not worrying about the phone-hacking scandal. "Arter all, I ain't never 'ad no phone, nor I", he claimed. "Moi clivvets is ready nangled, so they be."
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Stone Age Man "Played The Stock Market", Claims Murderer
Isinglass futures remained stable, but half-secured monkey gland margin buying declined. Viagra held firm. Knickers fell, though brassieres held up well under pressure, unlike mole derivatives and arbitrage in the custard sector
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Albatross Found in Can of Baked Rabbit
Lions add elegance and gravitas to any bedroom and provide an unbeatable conversation piece at dinner. A congress of baboons in the lounge is the best way to ensure those unwanted guests don't return.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Postman "Traumatised" By Cat Repellant Device
Southport man Keith Sewer is suing the Worshipful Order of Scullions over what he calls "a scandalous examination process". Sewer failed the very demanding Scullion Certificate Exams at Southport Town Hall.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
The Ladies Professional Golf Association Is Merely Trying To Increase Viewership
The LPGA in an effort to attract more male viewers is asking that its lady golfers please start dressing a little more provocatively such as in teddies, baby dolls, or bikini swimsuits.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
The Country Music Industry Is Issuing A Plea
Country music is asking country songwriters and singers to try to get away from writing and singing songs about beer, whiskey, loose women, and unfaithful men and start writing songs about drugs.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Wales Has Made An Astounding Discovery
The government of Wales is reporting that since the practice of test tube babies was outlawed earlier this year the sale of Windex Glass Cleaner has fallen by 400 percent.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
The Tucson Ho's Sure Know How To Pull A Fella's Leg
The town of Tucson, Arizona wants it made perfectly clear that prostitution is still illegal within the city limits and for visitors not to be tricked by whores into thinking that it isn't.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Essex coast dredger uncovers WWII mine
Bomb disposal experts need to perform a controlled explosion on the two thousand pound device. Canvey Island chosen as it is the least lightly place to suffer damage
written by Les Being, 16 July 2011
IT'S OFFICIAL
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Monica Lewinsky confirm that the U.S. Dollar is not worth a suck.
written by BobBush, 16 July 2011
50% off holidays
Holiday firms desperate to sell holidays have cut 50% off the holiday, you now get 1 week for the price of 2
written by Dino666, 16 July 2011
Celebrities Whose Phones Were Not Hacked By News International To Take Court Action
'The implication that we were not newsworthy is an affront to our celebrity status tantamount to slander,' angrily stated a member of the action group Justice and Publicity for Non-Hacked Celebrities.
written by Swan Morrison, 16 July 2011
Truculent Drinker Punches Tony Robinson
Claims Robinson was having 'a right old dig'.
written by pinxit, 16 July 2011
Look Ma, Breakfast Has Been Delivered
The Montana Oil Spill which is causing oil to spill into the Yellowstone River is causing the fish to jump out of the water and slither aimlessly into campsites.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Los Angeles - "We Have a Problem"
Sarah "Snowflake" Palin was asked what she thinks about Carmageddon. She paused for a moment and said that she is so busy she really doesn't have any time to go to movies.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Texas Lights The Way
Texas has become the first state to enact Hydrofracking Rules. Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Arizona all say they'll look into it just as soon as they find out what the hell it is.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
The Name Ron Paul Just Does Not Sound Presidential Enough
GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul says that in an effort to get a name that is more readily recognizable by the American voters he'll be changing his name to Ron Schwarzenegger.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
So Cabo San Lucas Would No Longer Be In Baja California
The Southern California Chamber of Commerce is extremely upset that Mexico is thinking about changing the name of the state of Baja California to Southern California.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Apparently Not Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Romano's TNT series Men of A Certain Age has been cancelled due to the fact that there were no men of no certain age watching it.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Michele Bachmann's Husband Heads To The Big Screen
Word out of Hollywood is that the next Jackass movie will star Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus Bachmann in a starring role.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Minnesota Is Starting To Cause Problems For Other States
Economists are worried that the shutting down of Minnesota's state government may now cause the shutting down of Delaware's state government causing a drastic blow to the Delaware Punch industry.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Dallas Cowboys Will Serve a $400 Hot Dog
Not to be beaten by the Boston Red Socks $80 hot dog, Jerry Jones will offer the $400 hot dog, complete with a 5 carat gold knife.
written by Ellie James, 16 July 2011
X-Men: First Class not Politically Correct.
Director Matthew Vaughn forced to change name to X-People: First Class
written by Dark Virtue, 16 July 2011
Mystery Blonde sighted in Niagara-on-the Lake
Yes, the Mystery Blonde managed to elude John Smith of Scarborough, England but was spotted today in a cafe at Niagara-on-the -Lake, by Canadian photographer, Ivor Lenson. More in News.
written by unknown
Rupert Murdoch Apologizes To Victims of Phone Hacking
Forgets to apologize to victims of News Corp.'s lies, slanders, character assassinations, fabrications, innuendoes, shoddy journalism, falsehoods, personal attacks, etc.
written by manbrad, 16 July 2011
Next AA meeting details
The next AA meeting - Arseholes Annonymous - is to take place at 7:30 pm at the well known home of Proctologist,
Dr. Fingerling. Address, 00-00-00 Rectum Lane, Bumshire.
written by unknown
