Horse Trapped In Bread Bin
The Towcester Home For Imploding Archbishops has reopened after refurbishment. Visit the Drainage Exhibition at The Old Town Hall. Sponne School hosts its Puddings of Northamptonshire evening next Wednesday.
Rochdale Man Plays Bugle Backwards
...axolotl, while Algernon Charles Swinburne kept an imaginary parrotfish in a hip bath. Mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary had an imaginary invisible narwhal inside his left ear.
How To Make Soup Out Of Antlers
To build your replica Great Pyramid, all you have to do is to go to Egypt, become Pharoah, draw up your Great Pyramid Plans, employ lots of overseers, and get hold of thousands of slaves to do the labouring.
Rutland "Once Had Coast", Claims Headless Oysterman
Len Blatt's new book of poems, "A Norfolk Gargantua Unbled", consisting of thirty nine sestinas about an abandoned oasthouse, comes after "Phenomenal Space", which was described as "like gargling with cement" by the Yarm Bugle.
"Lord Melbourne Could Suck His Own Toes", Claims Winchester Trout Farmer
Now is not a good time for Scorpios to buy silk pyjamas from a bald hermaphrodite. Leos will receive a parcel containing the large bowel of a strangled taxidermist. A Virgo is sure to be cleft in twain by a defrocked priest.
Microwave Bricks Make Building A Breeze
For Aries, it is a good time to imprison a shaved baboon in a 17th century oak chest, while Gemini Rear Admirals must give palimpsests a wide berth. A coracle voyage is figured for Cancer.
How To Milk Your Parrot
Devon watering can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the author of Wordsworth's Prelude yesterday. "I am the real creator of The Prelude", he said. "Wordsworth just did the words."
Myster Blonde eludes photographer once more
John Smith once again failed to get a photograph of the Mystery Blonde after he'd followed her up to the revolving restaurant atop the Skylon Tower, Niagara Falls, Ontario. See related story.
written by Lady Godiva, 14 July 2011
The Return of The Original Batman And Robin
The original Batman and Robin, Adam West and Burt Ward have agreed to appear in a new motion picture entitled, Batman and Robin: Pow! Wham! Bam! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Barbara Walters Has Certainly Made The Effort
Barbara Walters has stated that she saw a speech specialist about her lisp and that she is glad to announce that now she only lisps whenever she talks in front of people.
The Korean War 55 Years Later
Alan Alda who starred in M*A*S*H has agreed to appear in a spin off to be called M*A*S*H*E*D P*O*T*A*T*O*E*S.
Amy Winehouse By The Skin of Her Teeth
IN THE THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE DEPARTMENT: Amy Winehouse will never be asked to film a toothpaste commercial.
Margaret Thatcher dies
Margaret Thatcher died on stage at a Conservative meeting today, when her speech didn't go down as well as she had hoped. She is hoping to write a better one next time.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 14 July 2011
Jamie's namey shame
Ten million packets of "Jamie Oliver's Pork Faggots" have been recalled, after a mistake at the packing factory led to them being erroneously labelled as "Jamie Oliver Porks Faggots".
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 14 July 2011
Arkansas Grillers Will Just Have To Change Their Barbecuing Habits A Bit
The state of Arkansas has just passed a bill making it illegal to barbecue any type of meat product using a stun gun.
Rhode Island Has Finally Decided On A Decision
The state of Rhode Island in a move to avoid the ongoing confusion and misrepresentation has finally decided to drop the Island part from its name.
Michele "The Money $aver" Bachmann Has Got A Plan
Michele Bachmann says that if elected she plans to save money right away by combining North Dakota with South Dakota and North Carolina with South Carolina.
The TSA Says They Will Be Increasing The Number of Pat Downs
FBI agents were very concerned about the stun gun they found on a plane bound for New Jersey until they learned about the grenade launcher found on a plane bound for Arizona.
So Far Sarah Palin Is Ahead of Michele Bachmann
Sarah Palin has stated that she knows for sure that she'll capture all of the Eskimo vote. So as of now she is 717 votes ahead of Michele Bachmann.
Who Was That Dashing Looking Couple?
Well Prince William and Princess Kate have left America and most Americans didn't even realize they were here.
John "Teardrops" Boehner Will Never Run Out of Tears
Well with all of the serious talks going on about the debt crisis, it now appears that Speaker of the House John Boehner FINALLY does have something legitimate to cry about.
Arnold Schwarzenegger - The Man Who Weathered a Category 5 Sh*t Storm
Arnold Schwarzenegger is happy that everyone has finally forgotten about his maid, his love child, and his arrogance. He is now hoping that Maria forgets about the divorce.
David v Goliath. Coming soon to Sky Box Office
David (clumsy) Cameron takes on Becky (the bullet dodger) Brooks in a fight to the death. A News International production. Book now.
Andy Murray to train with Met Police
He said he needs to improve his backhanders
Amendments to 2011 dictionary
The definition for the word 'dictionary' is to be removed from this year's dictionary on account of it being a pointless definition.
Illicit Vodka Still Advertising For Staff
written by Skoob1999, 14 July 2011
Lib-Dem Supporters to hold Mass Meeting this month
A spokesman for the Lib-Dems, stated that a meeting has been arranged in Nottingham for supporters to air their views. He expects both of them to attend, if transport from the asylum can be arranged!
written by Inchcock, 14 July 2011
America pulls funding from NASA
Analysts say, Everyone knows were in a recession, it's not exactly rocket science
New name for body armour
Just as May West gave her name to life preservers, bullet proof vests are to be called Rebekah Brooks
Sky falls on News Corporation
Bystanders watch in amazement as Rebekah Brooks walks away unharmed
Animal rights protesters up in arms
Someone told them the FBI was probing Fox
Rooney's hair transplant fails.
Thirty grand, hair today gone tomorrow
Jennifer Aniston admits to nose job
As it was Dr Pinocchio who performed the surgery it would be silly to lie about it
FA new referee regulations
For the 2011-12 season, the FA will only be employing referees with OCD. "People have been crying out for consistency," said an FA spokesperson.
Secret Society Name Change
After it was pointed out that the Secret Society's initials were SS like the German Secret Service, it has been determined that a new name is required. However, we're not telling what it is.
Let me finish...
The Complete Sentence Society would like to inform members that the August Conference, with guest speaker Jilly Goolding, will be held at Manchester's G-Mex centre on the sevente
How to spot liars
A new study coming out of Poole College has identified the worst opening line if you want people to believe you. "Do not start your story with 'Once upon a time'", said Paul Iffy.
The world will end.
On Spoofuary 13th 2013, the anniversary of the creation of redheads.
written by Zachary Estle, 14 July 2011
A Before E Except After C
The descendants of Harry Longabaugh known as The Sundance Kid have won their case in the courts. The movie Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid will be changed to The Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy.
Drexel U. Has One of The Biggest Mascots In America
Drexel University of Philadelphia in an effort to save money has decided to get rid of their huge college athletic mascot the dragon. Mario the Magnificent Dragon will be replaced by a squirrel.
Mel Brooks' Grandmother Sure Was One Tough Old Gal
The 1974 western by Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles was originally going to be called Blazing Saddle Sores, but he changed it after his grandmother told him if he didn't she would beat the hell out of him.
Bob Dylan And The World of Rap Music
1960s music icon Bob Dylan says that he is starting to get a little worried because he heard a rap song the other day and he was actually able to make out three of the over 19,000 words.
And Another Arizona Movie Has Been Axed
The much anticipated sequel to the western movie 3:10 To Yuma titled 7:11 To Tucson has been scrapped. The producers decided that right now is not the time to be making any movies about Arizona.