Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to residents advises: "It is best to excuse yourself politely after belching, not say Good Lord, that shit was spicy!"
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Throwing rocks, eggs, and water balloons at fags outside gay bars will only be done after dark, so tourists don't recognize it's local folks."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamplet mailed to all residents contains chapter titled: What A Sister Can Give Her Brother, Besides A Blow Job And The Clap.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Wal-Mart Stores expected to honor "no shirt, no shoes, no sevice rule".....and not count flip flops as proper footwear.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New birth control advice for girls changed to "try saying no more than once, then kick him in the balls."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State Livestock Secretary announces plans to keep sheep safe in case Adam Lambert does concert tour.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Suggested new state motto: "Even we think Britney was a hick."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet sent to all residents advises: "Remember that underwear is clothing that you wear under your other clothing, not outside of or instead of."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet sent to all residents states: "When asked to put out flowers in the spring, this doesn't mean that you need to set them on fire first."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When you have house guests, don't tell them you can sleep on the couch if you don't mind the dogs. Put the dogs in your own room."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State worker's tool boxes should contain more than a hammer and a roll of duct tape.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Suggestion for new state motto: "Less Ticks and Leeches Than Mississippi"
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
The headlines on top of the 8th grade girls' yearbook pictures should not say "Next Year's New Mothers."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Klan members should wash their sheets after each cross burning wearing to remove any smokey smell or ash residue.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Parents should purchase their children plastic jack-o-lanterns for Halloween instead of sending them out with old KFC buckets.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
"Roadkill Surprise" must list nutritional value in diners and cafe's.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Residents should plan on bathing before skinny dipping to keep lakes, rivers, and ponds clean and not hurt the wildlife.
written by unknown
Chelsea grasses up Wayne Rooney's wife!
Chelsea Clinton = A Colleen Snitch
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Chelsea Clinton digs her heels in?
Chelsea Clinton = Clench Toenails
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Chelsea charms TV dog Lassie
Chelsea Clinton = Enchants Collie
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Chelsea an unbendable libertine?
Chelsea Clinton = Non-elastic Lech
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Chelsea agrees to spirals?
Chelsea Clinton = Helical Consent
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Chelsea Clinton a spoilsport?
Chelsea Clinton = Cancels Hotline
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Michelle? It's all saintly rodents' fault!
Michelle Obama = Blame Halo Mice
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Michelle Mom's defamation deja-vu?
Michelle Obama = Mama Libel Echo
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Michelle one cool snake-in-the-grass?
Michelle Obama = Hello Ice Mamba
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Future Farmers of America and 4-H clubs will be required to teach something other than raising sheep.
written by unknown
Michelle a sucker for FGM??
Michelle Obama = Labia Leech Mom
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Miss Piggy Still Most Popular Icon in Arkansas!
Life long residents still confidant she'll give up Secretary of State Position to take on Obama in 2012!
written by unknown
Michelle Obama? Ewe been conned!
Michelle Obama = Baa! Commie Hell
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "Remember that toilet paper is cheap and plentiful, don't try to recycle it."
written by unknown
Michelle Obama name secrets revealed!
Michelle Obama = Claimable Home
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas's Only Licensed House of Prostitution Files Chapter 11!
New Owners say problem was old branding: 'Hog Heaven" just didn't seem to draw anyone but family. New sign says it all: "Piggly Wiggly". Reservations now required.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: "When shaking a visitors hand, don't use the one you just picked your nose with or that has your spit cup."
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents says: When trying to pick up a visiting woman, don't say "I can bring my sister along and make it a threesome."
written by unknown
Angelina a solitary ET dancer?
Angelina Jolie = Jig Alone Alien
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Thongs will no longer be sold in plus sizes to women wearing mini skirts.
written by unknown
Arkansas Legislature Refuses to Pass Pit Bull Regulations!
Critics say bill fails to protect state's children forced to live outside in dog house while parents run puppy mill inside double wide. Lawmakers state: "Everyone is entitled to make a living!"
written by unknown
Wanted Assistant Editor for The Spoof
Must be able to read fast and sort funny stories out from crap.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Angelina Jolie an iconic internet incarceration era?
Angelina Jolie = Online Jail Age
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphets given to all state residents instruct men not to greet visiting women by asking "you put out?"
written by unknown
Angelina Joile a crude Japanese bird?
Angelina Jolie = Ninja Eagle Oil
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Computer Salesman
You know you need to know everything about computers, but the other biggie is the ability to make anything sound really technical and confusing to anyone who doesn't work here.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New mothers to be taught before leaving hospital that baby wipes are gentler, more sanitary, and safer than a garden hose when changing diapers.
written by unknown
Angelina Jolie's bloodline stays out of the slammer
Angelina Joile = No Lineage Jail
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
'Razorback" Fan Arrested for Gross Sexual Misconduct at Home Coming Game!
Campus police found the athletic booster 'rooting around' in the panties of a cheerleader at half time under the stands. Claims he was only looking for 'Truffles' were discounted and he was booked.
written by unknown
Secrets of the Angelina Jolie moniker revealed
Angelina Joile = Join Anal Liege
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Teenagers will be taught the proper and grammatically correct way to say "ya'll want some fries with that?"
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Kentucky Fried Chicken is no longer the official state bird.
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Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Governor's mansion orders new set of fine china to replace Chinette and old Cool Whip bowls.
written by unknown
Wanted: Baseball Umpire
REquired...Sense of fair play, knowledge of the game of Baseball, Must be self assured. No applicant WITHOUT glasses at least two inches thick will be considered.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Still Embarrassed by Bill Clinton, Democratic Congress Passes Stimulus to Finally 'Killl Bill"
Obama promises to fund overhead hi speed rail and raised interstate highway so citizens can pass through state without having their wives and children molested.
written by unknown
Wanted: Sidekick
Awesome Man seeks less interesting hero sidekick. Flashy costume good, weaker super powers than Awesome Man's important, ability to be captured and/or tortured by villains a must.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Knife Salesman
Needed: Steady Hands, Winning Smile, Good People Skills, Very Thick Skin and Large Box of Band-Aids bandages
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Hillary? She's a monster!
Hillary Clinton = Li'll' Tyrannic Ho
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Census Confirms no Recent Muslim Immigrants Live in Arkansas!
Governor credits state football team "The Razor Backs' for discouraging mass immigration of the hairy creatures.
written by unknown
Hillary in purple prose mode
Hillary Clinton = Horny Lilac Lint
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
The major use of matches should be for cigarettes and stoves, not fart lighting.
written by unknown
Hillary's voice turns musical when sitting on manmade fiber stool
Hillary Clinton = Nylon Chair Lilt
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Governor says "even though your cat does it in the litter box, don't mean you should piss in them litter barrels on the side of the highway."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State motto to be changed from "Incest is Best" to the more politically correct "We Love Our Families"
written by unknown
O'Bomba Pleads for "Civility and Cooperation"
while GOP hires carpenters to build gallows.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 29 January 2010
Hillary spamming for Dick Cheney spouse?
Hillary Clinton = Lin Chainy Troll
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Men requested not to ask out girls who still have cartoon characters on their underwear.
written by unknown
Hillary Clinton Hanging in Stimulus Package
Hillary Clinton = Lynch A Trillion
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
McDonald's is asked to start providing silverware with their food.
written by unknown
Monster problem
Count Dracula was told today by his dentist that his fangs are suffering from serious decay and will have to be removed. Drac is looking into dentures.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
"Pull my finger" is no longer the official state handshake.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
"Moonshiners" will now refer to themselves as "Rural Distilled Spirits Manufacturers and Deliverers."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Even though it is polite, complimenting others on odor and loudness of farts will not be tolerated in public.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #20
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Keep all family idiots in the attic or cellar. I don't want buck naked people running up & down the roads.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Pope Urges Crackdown on Annulments
But won't endorse Polygamy thus sending millions to Tiger Woods Floozy Appreciation School.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Teen couples s walking with their hands in the back pockets of each other will be frowned on, even if they are brother and sister.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #19
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If you must get drunk, have a designated wheelbarrower and stay to the older pathways.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Highway motels will no longer be able to rent "sheep by the night" as a service.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #18
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No more than a dozen 'Martin Boxes', that is, bird houses in your front yard.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #17
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Have all your Christmas decorations down by the Fourth Of July.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #16
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If your house catches on fire, wait for the fire truck and don't try to meet it halfway.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #15
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If someone strange see you picking up something dead on the road, pretend you're going to bury it.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #14
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No deer hunting from your truck..and get those bushes off your truck.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #13
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" In a crowd of strangers, no matter how bad you itch, only scratch above your belt.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Strictly Come Dancing judges slam Osama's Latin American
Osama Bin Laden = Nailed On Samba
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #9
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" If your cow gets out and a tourist has to stop, remember it's a cow..now a 'Key Yowl!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #12
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Give everybody that passes you while walking on the road a friendly wave...with your HAND!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Osama called his offspring after female genitalia
Osama Bin Laden = Named Son Labia
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #11
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Watch your tater trap when you're talking to strangers at Wallie World and don't start bawlin' about your unfaithful freak of a husband.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Obama curses marine gastropod mollusks
Osama Bin Laden = I Damn Abalones
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama the transgressing marine nutter mollusk
Osama Bin Laden = Mad Abalone Sin
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Anorexic Osama quits eating
Osama Bin Laden = I Abandon Meals
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama admits he's been lousy to his Pa
Osama Bin Laden = I, A Damnable Son
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama questions Mandela's paternity
Osama Bin Laden = Am I A Bad Nelson?
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama the South African hero's son spotted in Scottish port
Osama Bin Laden = Is Oban Mandela
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
More fruity Osama stuff...
Osama Bin Laden = Lime Banana Sod
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama hiding in a fruitbasket?
Osama Bin Laden = Is Model Banana
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Showing someone the middle finger will no longer be "The State Bird."
written by unknown
Osama's really a gay wandering female in disguise...
Osama Bin Laden = A Lesbian Nomad
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
While neatly trimmed mustaches will be allowed on food service workers, beards must be removed (men also).
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Women in tank tops, halter tops, or tube tops will be required to shave their armpits and visible chest hair.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Public outhouses must now be equipped with that little green urinal cake and a clipboard showing the required cleaning schedule.
written by unknown
Osama compared to wayward pet's hooter?
Osama Bin Laden = Bad Animal Nose
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Outhouses must now come with toilet seats and paper, not just holes in boards and old TV Guides.
written by unknown
Osama forgets which peroxide bimbo he shagged last night?
Osama Bin Laden = A Blond Amnesia
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Asking tourist on riverboats or rafting trips if they want to "squeal like a pig" is now outlawed.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State to sponsor opening of first restaurant where food is not served in a bag and drinks don't come with a lid and a straw.
written by unknown
Osama still blogging?
No, Osama Bin Laden = Abandons email...
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Osama Bin Laden's butt bonkers?
No! Osama Bin Laden = Sane Abdominal
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #10
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All feuding must be carried on back in the hills. Tell anyone stopping for directions that the kids are firing firecrackers.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Beauty and Barber shops are to remove "bowl cuts" from their lists of services.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Schools will begin immediate classes to train people how to tie their shoelaces.
written by unknown
Osama Bin Laden cryptic secrets revealed!
Osama Bin Laden = Mad On A Lesbian
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Bondo and Rustoleum are no longer approved car colors
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #8
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Remove all old tires from your trailer roof and put up fresh new hay bails.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Residents are now required to refer to Hot Springs by it's name, and not as the place where "that there water's gonna burn yer balls off."
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #7
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No more running entire family through car wash naked until end of tourist season. Use your horse trough at home.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Employees of state tourist facilities will undergo training in brushing, flossing, and using mouthwash for their remaining tooth.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Employees of tourist attractions will be required to hem their pants, and not just "walk off" the extra length.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #6
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" Wear your best when going out to fancy fast food restaurants and WalMart.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Towns of "Toad Suck" and "Flea and Tick Holler" will be required to change their names on Freeway exit signs.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Misspelling a girl's name when spray painting it on a water tower or historic landmark will now bring a $50 fine.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #5
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All "Wide Load" signs must be removed from trailer and back of wife's tee shirt.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #4
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" No hitting on family members in front of strangers.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Residents learn for first time that a Hefty Bag is supposed to be used for trash and is not a fat woman.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #3
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism!" All men must piss with their backs to the road, even if off their own porch.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Parents are encouraged to tell teenaged boys "get off your sister and pick up a broom."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Legislature got the idea when planes landing in Little Rock thought they'd arrived in Haiti.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #2
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All children 6 and over must at least wear their bottoms.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State insists that each county hire at least one dentist for every 10,000 people.
written by unknown
Arkansas Has Plans
"Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism" All Hog lots must be at least five feet from the highway.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New Motto? Arkansas: Home of clean water, green mountains, and inbred hillbillies.
written by unknown
Calling Cornish " Inbred " Is Okay!
The human rights commission has ruled that calling Cornish people "inbred" is okay. However a Green Army spokesman, Captain Jethro Trevithick said that the Cornish are better "in pasties".
written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Employees in fast food restaurants will not be allowed to pick their teeth with the pin on the back of their nametag when taking customer's orders.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Brassieres will be required undergarments for everyone with c-cup breasts or larger (women also).
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans to Clean Up State For Tourism
"I'm With Stupid" will no longer be the official state t-shirt motto.
written by unknown
Off On The Wrong Foot
Doctors Amputate Wrong Foot of Peruvian Man. "Talk about getting off to a bad start for the day", say surgeon.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Lycra and Spandex to be outlawed for everyone over 18 years old and 150 pounds
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Free government purchased belts will be provided to everyone not wearing overalls
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
From now on, only three junked cars will be allowed on the lawn of a single wide.
written by unknown
Budweiser Announces That This Year's Super Bowl May Not Feature A Clydesdale Commercial
But the horses are better looking than some of the women they pick to sing the national anthem!
written by unknown
American Soldier Arrested Crossing Mexican Border with 200 Pounds of Marijuana
Uses excuse "we were having a Vietnam Memorial."
written by unknown
Obama Chastises Republicans Who Oppose Him
Hasn't he heard of a two party system?
written by unknown
Food and Drug Administration Makes Recommendation
Virgin girls in Hershey's edible undies can now be called chocolate covereed cherries.
written by unknown
Hillary In France
French honor Sec. of State Clinton as she's invited to break champaign bottle to do a launch. "I hope that this is the beginning of a beautiful French ship."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Blair said he would do it again, Cherie said, "no you wont!"
Tony Blair has confirmed he is a MORON and said he would attack Iraq again, his missus said "no you wont" so Tony shut up!
written by unknown
Oscar Performance
Rumor: White House gate crashers may get a special Oscar in 2010 for performance at the snobbish affair.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Wanted : Delievery Boy
Must be reliable. Must be able to swallow small balloons. Must not ask questions.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners Change Motto
Electrolux vacuum cleaners will no longer be "The ones that REALLY REALLY SUCK!!!"
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Cab driver
Knowledge of the city necessary. Ability to speak English not.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Press Release from Sharpie
Sharpie markers say "Not for Letter Writing" on them. A spokesman from the company stated today "They're just for writing NUMBERS!!"
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
New Warning Label 2
A label on a window purchased at the hardware store said "For indoor or outdoor use."
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Greed for the ages
Donald Trump tried today to copyright the phrase "Yeah, but" and demand payment of $0.25 every time anyone said it.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Marital Problem
A Boston man called emergency services today to ask what to do when his wife actually did not have a headache and wanted to have sex with him.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
New Warning Label
All bananas now must come with a Federal Government's Warning..."Caution!! Peel May Be Slippery!!"
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Win at scrabble
Scrabble players If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
written by Mary Hinge, 29 January 2010
Floods Hit NKorea
North Korea's latest missile firing missing ocean, but disappears into clouds and exploded. It's been raining for five days now.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Tic For Tac
Al Qaida say they will send in 10,000 suicide bombers to counter US building 10,000 new drones.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Students Have Tough Choice
Raise in University fees causing many students to have to choose between staying an extra year or giving up alcohol.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Political radio talk show host
Ability to speak clearly a must. No strong regional accents, please. Belief that one political party are gods and the other is demonic required.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
New Kid Can't Spell
Local grocery takes down "Orgasmic Cucumbers sold here" and change it to "Organic".
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Thieves Own Up
Car thieves admit that General Motors hired them to steal Cadillac Cascades to make them America's most stolen car in 2007.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
No Wonder Thief Seemed In A Hurry
Toyota's Camry goes from being the most stolen to best run away, stuck gas pedal, car in the world.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Caspar the Friendly Ghost Arrested
Caspar the Friendly ghost was arrested in downtown L.A. earlier today and charged with assault. Following Gary Coleman's fall from grace is this another former cute star gone bad?
written by Earl Grey, 29 January 2010
Iraq In Seventh Year
Iraq War "Cakewalk" enters it's seventh year. Still no WMD's, cake.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Andy Murray orders bagpipes and drums to upset the Swiss precision machine!
Andy Murray will stop at nothing to beat Federer on Sunday, 50 Black Watch Pipers wil be there and his mum has promised a rendition of Scotland The Brave, that's even worse than Serena grunting!
written by unknown
Richard Branson Aims to Launch Underwater Plane
Tycoon, Richard Branson, is hoping to launch an underwater plane. His obvious choice of pilot would be Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III, who would be brought out of retirement.
written by IN SEINE, 29 January 2010
Michelle Explains Why Everyone Wore Purple at State of the Union!
"Barry just loves looking at his dick in the mirror when he's practicing his speeches, he just neededed a little bit of stimulation to stay hard when talking to his fans..it's the least we could do!"
written by unknown
White House Pledges to Reduce Government Emmissions 28% by 2010!
Tea Baggers said they will beat Obama pledge by 9 years claiming they will clear 100% of government gas by this November.
written by unknown
Angry Crowd Awaits
Angry crowd, just looking for a victim to chase with torches, waiting outside gate for Monster Truck Rally.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
New Term: "Pairage"
Gay couples not allowed to marry create new coupling called "Pairage". "There will be a pairage ceremony tomorrow at the Pansy residence and the happy couple will honeymoon on Mount Vernon."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Read It, George!
Barack Obama tells VP Joe Biden about the rabbits again, calling him Lenny.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Obama Addresse Grandmothers
President Obama urges black grandmothers to try to keep grandkids in school longer.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
A Penny Saved
Banks must be in pretty bad shape as kid's lollipops at drive in windows now have cost added to monthly billings.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
March Planned For March
000,02 Dyslexics announce that they will march backwards this Spring. President addresses leaders. Asks for clam.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Andy Murray to enter Worlds biggest Mouth competition.
After a photograph appeared in many newspapers throughout the world showing Andy Murray with his mouth wide open Murray has now been invited to The Worlds Biggest Mouth Competition
written by SPECTRUM, 29 January 2010
Y does Obama want to weaken the US and its allies?
Russia just test-flighted its new fifth generation stealthy fighter - Obama knew Russia was working on the equivalent to the F22, his response: shut down F22 production.
written by Tcoah, 29 January 2010
"Biggest Nut On Tree!"
Police use net, tranquilizer to bring down tree sitter in Oregon. Breaks seven limbs.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
What looks like another Obama curved goof-ball
The stealthy Sukhoi's T-50 fifth generation fighter - looks like the F22-Raptor and apparently will quack like the F22-Raptor.
written by Tcoah, 29 January 2010
Do It Yourself
Grandmother disgusted at filthy hospital nursed and bathed other patients on her ward, especially men.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
How Mant To Screw In Lightbulb?
It's OK to insult the Cornish because they don't exist, rules watchhen.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Water Vapor The Answer
Water vapour a 'major cause of global warming and cooling'. Issue important statement: 'It's not the heat, it's the humidity!"
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Another Bin Laden Video
Now Osama bin Laden gets worried about global warming (and offers his own solution). Picks Colts by a touchdown!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Tory MP's Race Row
Tory MP sparks race row after accusing immigrants of 'importing medieval views' about women. "We had them in the stone age before those people came."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Is PC Overdoing It?
Driver fined for blowing his nose... by same PC who ticketed man for dropping a hint.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Morning After, Then 5 Days
Morning-after pill that works five days later. But 2, 3 or 4 days later could leave you knocked up!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
The Femme Fatale
The femme fatale, two Tory lovers and claims of a violent bust-up, titty twister at her home.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
What Was THAT, Martha?
Ashley Cole banned from driving for doing more than 100mph in a 10 MPH nursing home zone.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Rental Companies Pull Toyotas.
Two car rental companies pull Toyotas from fleets. Hurts still has them.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Funniest Show On TV This Year
About 48 million watch Obama's State of the Union, led by FOX who used joke comments, a laugh track.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
US Running Out Of Awards
Music world celebrates its big event of the year, the Grammys. 2010 averaging one award show per week, may form new "Awards Network".
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Knew It Was Coming
Women are sending their husbands to the Apple store to buy iPads?"
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
We're Raising Some Too
NASA to get more money, but must scratch moon plan. Hope to sell enough copies of 'floating sex video' to pay for that.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
"It's The Money, Stupid!"
Calderon: Global climate deal hinges on money, of all things!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Just Too Busy
Clinton in Paris for European security speech somehow forgot all about Obama's Speech To The Nation.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
China-Tibet Talks
New China-Tibet talks prompt speculation on shift as the Chinese leaders speak to those higher up.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
The Secret's Out
Pork better for sex than Viagra? Rednecks in Louisiana agree with Argentine president.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Bin Laden Blames US
Bin Laden blasts US for climate change. "If they hadn't made me so mad, I'd have left it alone."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Vanessa Hudgens name secrets revealed!
Vanessa Hudgens = Shunned Savages
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
NYC Not Good Place For Trial
Administration urged to change terror trial site in NYC to Baghdad. "They know how to carry out swift justice there."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
GOP To Obama: Listen Well!
GOP leadership figure exhorts Obama to listen well. "You have the ears for it!"
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Disputed Painting Sild
Disputed Da Vinci portrait sells for $1.5 million, after Larry King says he remember Da Vinci working on it.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
We're Under Attack
Power plants, oil refineries, porn sites, TheSpoof site and water supplies increasingly dependent on the Internet are under relentless attack by cyber spies and thugs, according to a McAfee report.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
More Toyota Recalls
Congress probes Toyota recalls as impact, impacts from stuck gas pedals, spreads.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Further Sussan Boyle name twists
Susan Boyle = No Sly Abuse
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Best Way To Go!
Pilot considered the only ace Tuskegee Airman dies after being hit by falling toilet ice from plane.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Counterfeit Car
Georgia man buys car, finds $200K in counterfeit cash. Wants his money back. "Don't want to be mistaken by counterfeiting ring."
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Argentina President, Husband Porking!
Argentina's president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday, saying she spent a satisfying weekend with her husband after eating barbecued pork. "Why do we call it "porking?"
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
What's In Salinger's Safe?
Was the author of "The Catcher in the Rye" keeping finished, unpublished manuscripts in a safe in Cornish, N.H? Are they masterpieces, curiosities or random scribbles? Geraldo Rivera to reveal all!
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Matthew's Remarks
Matthews' remark, 'I forgot Obama was black' exposes complexity of 'transcending race'. "You mean we have a black president?"
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
US Navy to name new destroyer after Susan Boyle anagram
Susan Boyle = USS Baloney
written by queen mudder, 29 January 2010
Can't Drive Own Cars?
Honda recalls 646,000 Jazz/Fit, City cars globally as buyers throw a fit about all that jazz.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
More Needed?
Bill Gates makes $10 billion vaccines pledge. Should cut social diseases by 5%.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
There Were Nucklar Weapons: Bare Fisted Fighting
Blair offers justification for Iraq war: Bush told me to help them out and that there could be nucklar weapons there.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Schwarzenegger Returns to Film
Sources say Arnold Schwarzenegger will take a leave of absence as governor of California to star in the new movie,"Toyota Recall".
written by Adam Click, 29 January 2010
US Military Rushes to Approve Gays in Military After Obama Mandate!
Those volunteers coming out of the closet and willing to join will have their own dress uniforms: Fetching Kilts, knee socks and Matching Bubuskas. Motto of the Brigades will be "Killing You Softly."
written by unknown
NY Governor David Paterson & PM Gordon Brown Praised for their Vision!
Paterson for pushing for a soda tax & Brown for agreeing to a $500m Payoff for "moderate Talibans"....just another oxymoron...or plain stupid?
written by unknown
UK Agrees to Go Along with $500 Taliban Extortion Pay Off!
Commenting, PM Gordon Brown was quoted as saying, "...gee, they don't look Italian!"
written by unknown
He's A Really Lousy Driver
Leading Japanese automaker gives CEO the finger of blame as new recall involving brake systems slows stock growth, gearshift-related recall puts company in reverse.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2010
Spellcheck Programs Go Nuts
iFever in writing is spreading over the globe.
written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
48 Million Americans Tuned in to Watch Obama's Speech on Wednesday
Within five minutes, 47.9 million had tuned out, giving their attention instead to texting or playing video games.
written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
U. S. Senate Lets Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke Keep His Job
One Senator shrugged and said, "We had no choice. With the unemployment rate so high, how could we add one more person to the ranks of the jobless?"
written by Gail Farrelly, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Lion Tamer
Must not be afraid of cats. Must be good with people. Ability to re-grow limbs gnawed off a plus.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Political Scapegoat
Job requires ability to talk for a long time without saying anything. Ability to dress nicely required. Stammering a good trait. No backbone or sense of honesty required.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Dental assistant
Must have Masters degree. Experience in the field a must. Sadism a plus.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Cartoonist
New live broadcast cartoon seeks cartoon artist. Must be able to draw very quickly.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: Computer programer
Must be able to use HTML, BASIC. Must be able to use windows, sliding glass doors and operate Microsoft Windows.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Wanted: K-Mart Pharmacist
Must have good people skills. Must be able to read Latin. Ability to count over ten a plus.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Bad Guy Gets New Henchman
Batman's longtime enemy, the Penguin, has branched out in his efforts to defeat Batman. The Penguin is now hiring puffins as well.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 29 January 2010
Blind Panic
Al Qaida #211 killed by running into a rock wall and breaking his neck after fleeing drone aimed at #21.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
It All Adds Up
Latest rise in global warming blamed on President Obama's health care bill meltdown.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
C-Span Viewers
Thousands of people watch C-Span for hours a day, one speaker after another putting fellow congressmen asleep with speeches. If you're one of these people, please get help before you kill somebody.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Probably Right
Baseball experts say they believe smaller balls the reason there are so many home runs every year.
written by Bureau, 29 January 2010
Obama Dazed and Confused after Speech: Caught on Live Mike!
" Who writes this shit" he said , " we need him on the Team. He's so good I'm beginning to believe it myself!" Investigations are underway to uncover the real identity of Spoof Writer Chamone.
written by unknown
Driver Upset for being arrested for blowing his nose in UK!
"All I did was pick out a booger...where were the coppers when I farted and blacked out for a second. Pricks!"
written by unknown
In Desperation for Readership, Spoofers Hack into CNBC Website: Rating Soar!
Tired of waiting for Goggle to get off the pot, Spoof Hackers penetrated CNBC News pre empting Matthews & Oberman. Fresh content spurs spike in viewers.
All but Matwill granted long term contracts.
written by unknown
Mrs. Robinson Finally Released from Sex Rehab Center!
"Anybody know where I can get a tenderized pork roll for supper tonight,?' she allegedly asked gobsmacked reporters. Most thought she had sworn off butcher boys and moved onto fishmongers..WRONG!
written by unknown
UK Announces New Incentive to Never Work Again!
Govt. Mandates taking kids of parents on the dole to theme parks and zoos, while mates who have productive parents are excluded. "How else are they going to learn to be Politically Correct?" said PM.
written by unknown
After Snippet Blitzkrieg Exhasusted Spoofers Ask: What's Up for Friday?
According to an internal memo, Spoof Editor Mark Lowton informed dedicated writers to 'relax, have a beer & a pickled egg, and 'blow off steam'.
written by unknown
