Child Obesity Statistics 'Rubbish' Claims Cameron
Smooth-faced old-Etonian Tory Leader David Cameron rubbished claims that Britain's kids are getting porkier. 'In fact it's a fine old tradition. There was Billy Bunter, and The Fat Boy from The Pickwick Papers. And my best fag at Eton was "Hippo" Fanshawe', the smug bastard purred yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 January 2010
Hamster Hammer Horror Sentence.
A boy who was forced by his mother to hammer his hamster to death, because of poor school results, has been told by courts to hammer his mother to death with a hamster.
written by Nick Hobbs, 26 January 2010
Thousands Panic
Forget "Dirty Bomb", "Shit Bomb" lands in Times Square accidentally dropped from plane. Hundreds panic! No one hurt badly but many sick.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
LA Cutting Pot Dispensaries
Los Angeles to Limit Marijuana Dispensaries! Also distributors asked to use the name "Green Medication" not "Cheech & Chong's Favorite!"
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Thar She Blows!
Alert Ye Men: Female Suicide Bombers May Be Heading Here From Wemen...Yemen!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
That's Illegal Sir
Bail Set for Man Arrested in Texas with Grenade Launcher! Claims he was hunting Chupacabra.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Probably Yankee Fan!
New York City's Mayor Bloomberg says he has no plans to purchase White House in 2012.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Not Illegal Here!
Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested California could ease crowded prison system by sending thousands of inmates to jails in Mexico. Mexico reminds him half arrested for being illegal would be freed there.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Way To Go!
After hearing about the Red Cross wasting all that blood after 9-1-1, three vampires commit suicide by running through the hot sun at nudist colony.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
He Tried So Hard To Live!
Florida family finally takes grandpa off life support after he was ran over by a bushhog six months ago. Today in rooms 345, 346 and 347, they unplugged him.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Alien Life May Already Exist on Earth, Physicist Says
Indeed, the little aliens have been running the White House for some time now.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
Advice From Conan
Conan The Librarian says: Only you can get your kid into reading! Today Hint: Tell them it was a book before it was a movie when they like something at the theater!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
We're Watching Iraq Closely
Anonymous caller to President Obama on taped Larry King Show asks if any nucklar weapons ready to go in Iran.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Gives Trench Coats To Goodwill
Owner of theater says cleaning up after "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" nothing compared to that after the "Rocky Horror Sex Show".
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Wecome To DC!
Scott Brown, just elected Senator of Massachusetts to replace Kennedy, gets several back slaps and one good pinch on the ass from Barney Frank on his first day in Washington.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Good Old Boy, That Shop Owner
Gunshop owner always tells customers when they leave, "Now don't you go shooting anybody that I wouldn't shoot!"
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Malls Of America
Nations Malls hoping that new Sex Toy Stores, hookers hanging around fountains and car auctions will help bring in more traffic.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Full Mental Racket
Dems in congress seek expansion of Medicare, Medicaid, Government welfare, Food stamp expansion and immigrants health coverage. Republicans seeking use of recent Weapons of Massachusetts Destruction.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Police Lose Convict
Police lose one-legged North Carolina inmate who hopped out of van on the way to pick up road trash. Man has red hair and mustache, 5 foot 10, 155 pound, white male. Hops.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Planet Snobs
Astronomers say all eight planets will line up next year simply to piss off Pluto.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Al & Mark?
Liberal first year Senator Al Franken and Conservative Talk Show host Mark Stein may form "Common Ground" for those in between. But so far Franken & Stein cannot come up with a name for it.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Sarkozy demands the UNVEILING of the VEIL!
Pres. Sarkozy is hoping he can stop all fully veiled women appearing in public, VEILED. "The Almighty One" seems to be of a different opinion and Sarkozy might just have a slight heavenly problem!
written by unknown
Gaddafi Buys Portsmouth
Saadi Gaddafi is to buy Portsmouth FC. Meanwhile Coventry City are in talks with the Luftwaffe over a sponsorship deal.
written by Earl Grey, 26 January 2010
Hillary Running Again?
From being under fire that day in Bosnia, I got back on the plane and we flew to Calcutta where I took Mother Teresa'a place for two weeks so she could rest.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
VooDoo Real!
Former presidents George Bush and Bill Clinton report back from Haiti with heads the size of apples.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Cactus Forest Being Planted
Texas and Arizona build new type of walls across southern border, thickly planted cactus.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Cowell Replaced By Bull
FOX rushes to fill Simon Cowell's seat, looking at several others just as full of bull!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Several Put Down, Hammered.
Awaiting a nostalgic revival, Pet Shelters are swamped with unwanted Pet Rocks!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
News At 6 & 11.PM
Is Britain's Tory Leader, David Cameron now leading a double life? Is Britain's Tory Leader, David Cameron now leading a double life?
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Long Queues
Long queues as Sri Lankans cast votes, shoes in Colombo!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Fan Attacked First?
Fan claims it was attacked first by shit before it finally blew up and attacked passers by.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Replaced By Groundhog
Possum no longer sitting atop east Kentucky food pyramid but Arkansas remains unchanged.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Shwarzenegger Says "Let's Rev up the Economy with Law Suits
Suggests Sending 20,000 Inmates to Mexican Prisons in order to "Cut Costs"
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
New Internet Game Fuss
New internet game encourages children to make their characters wear sexy lingerie and buy 'trophy' orphans. "Should be banned", says Madonna.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Skills Tested
Doctors 'should have their skills tested as often as airline pilots' says Health Secretary Andy Burnham. "The same for prostitutes."
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Earth's Twin Out There!
Earth's twin planet will be found by the end of the year, leading astronomer says. Plus it will only take astronauts three generations to reach it.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Some Containers Smaller
Soaring cost of food: Shops accused of using thicker containers to increase & disguise food costs.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Ministers WERE Told!
Ministers WERE told invading Iraq was illegal, Foreign Office law chief tells Chilcot inquiry, but were so involved in football argument, they paid no attention.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Also Ants Get In
Banker sues couple who sold him £1.9million Thames home 'because river floods his garden', neighbor's dog runs off with his garden shoes.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Dry Unruly Youth
Now anti-terror police stop children's TV stars... for carrying glittery hairdryers. "Could dry your hair to death", says officer.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Freshman Type Prank At Airport
Student pranked by Philadelphia airport TSA worker into taking a goat to airlines pilot, Ghote, ready to board.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Bigger Buns Cost More
Germany asks for two airline tickets to be bought by those with Big Buns! Will begin in Frankfurt, Hamburg.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
NBC May Implode!
NBC hopes to recover for Olympics as Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien set to be commentators.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Hasty Pudding Award
Timberlake wins Harvard's Hasty Pudding award! Gobbles it down in 45 seconds!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Howard Sterns New Job?
Clean Channel interested in signing Howard Stern. I'm sorry, "Clear Channel" interested in hiring Howard Stern.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Not As Fierce As previously Thought
Rare dinosaur skeleton turned over to researchers as two foot tall Tyrannosaurus Rex throws off previous thoughts.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Bernanke Gets Boost
Obama joins White House effort to boost Bernanke. Mark McGwire gives him a steroid ass shot!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
San Antonio Under Seige?
Homes evacuated in San Antonio as hill crumbles, Santa Ana's army reportedly spotted in the area.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Sarcasm Not Helping
Defense calls first witness at gay marriage trial to skip to the witness box.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Recession Barely Over
Recession barely over: UK grows 0.1 pct in Q4, same as most banks offer on savings accounts.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Won't Be Fooled Again!
Some confusion of Super Bowl as some ask "Who's on first?"
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
"New Boss, Same As The Old Boss"
PROMISES, PROMISES: Obama revives jobs tax credit that he argued against while campaigning!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Keep Them Frying!
New York Police want more help. Volunteers come forward to start free doughnut line at missions.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Blood Pressure Worry
More blood pressure worry: It's linked to dementia, caused by worries over blood pressure.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Potheads A-Plenty
Laws ineffective in curbing cannabis use as there are not enough jails to hold millions of smokers.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Teen Pregnancies Up
U.S. teen pregnancy rate up after 10-year decline. Most blame 13-16 year old girls getting married in the South, Radical Mormon groups in the West.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Record Jobless Rate
Record number of young Americans jobless as record number stay in house all day on twitter, computer games.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Whoa! Look, Two Alike!
Winter storm in Midwest brings fierce winds, yet snow flurries drift down slowly and can each be counted, according to Pothead in Chicago.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Can't Leave, Can't Pay!
Florida woman fights ruling that kept her in hospital, running up $350,000 bill.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Picasso Ripped
New York woman falls, rips Picasso painting. Claims weird looking people made her dizzy.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Boots On Also
Pernell Roberts, last star of TV's 'Bonanza,' dies with his wigs on.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Seven Economy Worries
7 Things About The Economy Everyone Should Be Worried About! Number One, the whole country is bankrupt!
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Girls & Math
Girls may learn math anxiety from female teachers who say they can't COUNT on their husband for anything these days.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Too Many Czars!
Senate likely to reject idea of deficit task force as everybody in Senate, Congress and Staff now on average of three committees/tasks force.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
"Talking Points"
*Obama doesn't understand kitchen economics
*Doesn't respect American small businesses
*Still believes Big Government will solve all our problems
*Essentially, doesn't believe in America
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
Obama:"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction"
"As your President I mess up your economy, you independents wipe out my party this coming November."
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
What is Obama's problem?
He still doesn't get it. American small businesses are America's biggest job creator, but diss on them and they become America's biggest job destroyer.
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
"Barack Obama seeks three year spending freeze"
What Obama really means: (1) no help for American small businesses - just forget it; (2) more indirect taxation; and (3) more government.
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
UK Terror Threat Level Raised to "Severe"
As Gordon Brown wolfs down not one but two Super Chorizo Burritos.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
Americans in Bid to Outdo Old British TV Favourite
In a bid to outdo the old BBC favourite "One Man and His Dog", the Americans have extravagantly produced "50 Firefighters and Their Dog."
written by IN SEINE, 26 January 2010
To Split or Not to Split...
...That is the question, according to Brangelina.
written by Gail Farrelly, 26 January 2010
Pernell Roberts, Adam Cartwright of "Bonanza," Dies
There's a buzz in the afterlife. Hop Sing, Cartwright cook, orders Chinese takeout for reunion dinner.
written by Gail Farrelly, 26 January 2010
Jan. 27 Date Eagerly Awaited in the U.S.
You betcha it's because of Apple's long-awaited announcement of its latest creation and NOT because of Obama's State of the Union address.
written by Gail Farrelly, 26 January 2010
John Bobbit Joins Flyleaf Band; Plans New Album
To be entitled "Open My Fly and Give Me Some Grief"
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
Last Words of "Chemical Ali"
"Pants on the ground,
Pants on the ground"
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
Tabloid Headline: "UK and US launch new Afghan offensive"
Gordon Brown and President Obama's orders are quite emphatic: "Send in the Clowns"
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
'Chemical Ali'
- he didn't like chemicals - oh No! He loved them! (Based on a lyric-line from 10cc)
written by Tcoah, 26 January 2010
O'Bomba: Freeze Discretionary Spending
But Increase Military Spending by 2X.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
One Flew Over Their Heads
The "Massachusetts Message" has gone over Press Secretary Gibbs and the rest of the Chicago mafia's heads. Apparently they think the message is coming by stagecoach, as opposed to a pick-up truck.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
New Climate Change Theory
Environmentalists have found that the cause of climate change/global warming is because the Sun revolves around planet Earth.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
I'm Here to Help Me Get Reelected
President Obama will help the middle class with new aid plans. Americans want the government to help them by taking its hands out of their pockets, stop spending, reduce taxes and eliminate deficits!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
Award Night
Ex Senator John Edwards has been elected "Slime Ball" of the year by his peers. A five man panel of William Clinton, Richard Nixon, Saddam Hussein, Bernie Madoff and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was unanimous.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
Clean Up
Environmentalists finally locate the cause of the obnoxious odors emanating from San Francisco Bay. Rotten vegetables such as rutabagas, squash and onions were identified.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
Think Outside the Planet
NASA to colonize Mars & beyond, utilizing the natural resources & food production capabilities of billions & billions of uninhabited planets. Nevermore need people on earth be destitute or hungry!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
Obama for Change!
Now that the Democratic Obama Administration (including Pelosi & Reid) have added trillions to the national debt, they will tax all Americans to clean up their mess, by coming after our loose change.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 January 2010
O'Bomba: "Double the Child Care Tax Credit"
That should do it. Depression averted. Perhaps a free Dunkin Doughnut on top of it all?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 26 January 2010
Bubble Wrap Sex
Bubble Wrap comes off the wall and into the culture as couples having sex try to pop each one before he pops.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Osama Warns Obama
Bin Laden warns Obama of more attacks on health care package. "You lose big in November!" he threatens.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Corruption Trial Moves Forward
Three jury selections found so far in New Jersey corruption probe trial as 178 turned down due to corruption in their past.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Big Fall In Home Sales
Biggest fall in US home sales since '68 when millions turned on, tuned in and dropped out.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
We Must Save Japan!
Falling birth rate raises problem for Japan but Paradise to visiting US, British, Canadian nerds trying to get visas.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Chemical Ali Executed
Report: Saddam Hussein's cousin, 'Chemical Ali,' hanged. Body flown to Chernobyl for burial.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
Revenge
France nears ban on burqas; al Qaeda threatens revenge by ordering Muslims to stomp all snails in the world.
written by Bureau, 26 January 2010
