Kanye West seeks to copy Grace Jones
by knocking out Michael Parkinson
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
500 mph - 'Surfs Up'
Surfers are seeking the thrill of a lifetime along the western seaboard - "It's going to turn my surf board into a magic carpet".
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Protests against couple who want to name their new baby "Tsunami"
see supra
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
'On top of everything else ...'
Apple admits to using underage Martians to build its computer, iPods and mobile phones.
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Anita Phuque, Sister of Sweden's Ivana Phuque, Prepares for London Olympics
2012 Olympic Organizing Committee promises to provide cameras in a special hot tub area so that fans can watch her.
written by unknown
Anita Phuque, Sister of Sweden's Ivana Phuque, Prepares for London Olympics
"I always use natural lubricants on my poles....and on my jumping equipment too!"
written by unknown
Youse Got It Boss
Obama gets vote of confidence from Chicago confidence men.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Son of Marie Osmond Commits Suicide Due To Mental Illness
Dentists want to know if the sparkling, white teeth can be left to medical science.
written by unknown
Son of Marie Osmond Commits Suicide Due To Mental Illness
The Osmond Brothers will not sing "Crazy Horses" at the funeral.
written by unknown
Son of Marie Osmond Commits Suicide Due To Mental Illness
Donny tells her to remember that "one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch girl."
written by unknown
"He's A Stubborn, Spoiled Man"
White House social secretary Desiree Rogers resigns to spend more time with her conscience.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
New Music
Adelbert Greubelberger, 'The Silent Bugler', releases his new album, 'More Silent Bugling' on Friday March 35th. It is another masterpiece of relentless, brooding tension and unfulfilled desire.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
More Surrealist Joking
A man covered in fur swims out of a bank. The manager says "what would be the time if there were no clocks?" A passing capybara says "don't talk to me about the shrinking Amazonian rainforest!"
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Surrealist Jokes
Q: How do you make a wave into a copper onion? A: Unfurl the nocturnal curtains and halve your barometer twice! Boom Boom.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Surrealism in Nature
Look at the glazed trees, how they shudder, for the striped wind pipes. These are reversed birds, that fly through the soil. And a legless antelope sits on my staircase.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Ponder Awhile
with Mandrake Lampeter-Lampeter
Imagine two mirrors placed face to face. Now think. What would be in the mirrors? What would you see, could you look in them? Can you hear me scream as I lie awake?
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Surrealist Recipes
Bottled Wardrobes by Bruce Ectopic
Take 3 ounces of air and a thrice-thirded owl. Bring to the boil. Place 12 moles in an Antwerp fishkettle. Whisk your nude nun to a light frenzy. Drink slowly.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Yet More Surrealist Compliments...
Your feet are like alpaca bookbottles. Great corrugated flies are a-swim in your tearducts. May I lick your brambly throat? Uncover your teeth for the yellow vicar of Bulgarian whoredom.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
More Surrealist Compliments...
Hie thee to an apothecary for thy beauteous nostrils are ribbed and webbed and latticed through with roiling wolf-lego. Here's a cup of drear, filled to the bottom with slices of haddock's eyes. Tish!
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
More Surrealist Compliments
Your leather ears jingle in the peppermint moonlight. Let me sprinkle blood on your knees and whistle through your transparent spleen while my elephants mutiny in your honour.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #8
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Monkey Fazoo! Several reports of customers developing a red ass.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #7
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Hearty Dick Cheney Chili as tend to explode in customer's face, especially when microwaved.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #6
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Chunky Blowbits as several workers were sick at their stomach on those dated May 9th, 2010.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #5
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Cream Of Toadstool as everyone who has eaten it has died horribly.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #4
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Jeff & Beans! Contents could contain former worker, Jeff.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #3
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Canned Heat as it causes customers to go "Out On The Road Again".
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #2
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Giddy-Up Gumbo as contents cause several people to gallop around the room, pissing on furniture.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Souper Recall #1
Gamble's Soups announce a recall of their popular Tomato Eyebrow Bisque as they could have eyebrows in them.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
The Grand Poof
According to the Grand Poof, our presidents are beginning to follow the pattern of the Caesar's of Rome, getting crazier with each new leader.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
More TV Close-Ups!
According to poll at Winter Olympics in Canada, the #1 change the audience would like to see is thinner tops on female ice skaters.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
'Battle of Ideas'
Labour predict huge problems if the Conservatives are voted into power - but the Conservavites predict the end of time if Labour are voted back in.
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Dubbed: The Silliest Wonder Of The World!
Milwaukee opens Beer Can Henge on empty lot near the site of old brewery.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Many Shook Up
Big earthquake in Chile apparently shook alcoholics as far away as...well, everywhere.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
New Country Formed In Pacific
US Nuclear Sub commander takes over small island in Pacific. Demands food, liquor and women or will launch nuclear missile towards oilfields. Island's name is now "Suburbia".
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Sing One For Us, Lee!
United States Marines tell Obama that from now on, they're no longer taking orders from him, but from Lee Greenwood.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Loud Applause For Leno?
Jay Leno, back on the late show, admits that audience tricked into applause at times by signs such as "The Cowboy Cheerleaders, Completely Nude, Coming Up Next" off camera.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
NASA Head In Sand, Ass!
NASA won't talk about stuck Mars Rover. "Mars Rover? What's that?"
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Weather forecast cancelled
Due to the severe weather we are unable to bring you today's forecast. Whether or not we have a weather forecast tomorrow depends on whether the weather is good or bad.
written by Earl Grey, 27 February 2010
Common Mistake
Scottish man held after trying to run over Susan Boyle. In defense he claims he thought she was Osama Bin Laden.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Leno Gets New Name
New Jay Leno Late Night Show to be renamed, "The Adventures Of Chin Head Boy!"
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Met Office Looking for 'any old excuse'
Shifts blame to David Cameron - Imploding faster than a collapsing star - vacuum created messed up our weather predictions
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
White House spokesperson: "At least this time America won't get the blame"
Chinese Wormhole technology test fired for a third time, this time aimed into a remote area of South America
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Odd Shaped Rock
You old fossil! Odd-shaped rock found in garden is dinosaur bone from 135m years ago. DNA shows her name was Janet.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
UK Treasury Reports for 2009 based on Met Office Weather Forecasts
Bank of England Governor Declares State of Catastrophe
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Earthquake
Traced to Bouncing Toy - filled with dense 99.9% 'proof' uranium and 0.1% plutonium, in a depleted uranium casing. Apparently an Iranian "milk factory worker" took it home for his kid to play with.
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Chile Hit By Massive Earthquake - Cynicism Defined:
#10 Downing Street Chief of Staff: "OK people (referring to #10 staffers), I want all the $%^@3 that you have, and I want it released to the press IMMEDIATELY"
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Celebituaries: Roger Barltrop - correction
Our man in Fiji, thanks to an army coup, "went to bed as a high commissioner and rose an ambassador," not: "went to bed high with Rose and commissioned an ambassador."
written by neilwatson, 27 February 2010
Ne Year's Sales Still Going
Desperate High Street stores STILL running New Year sales, from 2008!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Met Office Staff Awarded £12m in Bonuses
Reactions range from "Can u believe it?" to "U kidding me, right?"
written by Tcoah, 27 February 2010
Treasure Unreported.
Woman who found coin worth £2,000 in garden becomes first to be prosecuted for not reporting treasure. Child who found piece of change on sidewalk will appear in court Monday.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
That Explains That!
A 1,800 calorie bag of popcorn: Cinemas urged to warn film lovers about fat-filled snacks. No wonder critics are so fat!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Jars Recalled
Loyd Grossman pasta sauce jars recalled over fears they contain pieces of glass. Apparently pasta OK, but jars are to be returned.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Pasta Jars Recalled
Loyd Grossman pasta sauce jars recalled over fears they contain pieces of ass. Sorry, that should be "glass".
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
No More Pics?
Father stopped from taking picture of his son, 4, on children's train ride 'in case he was a paedophile' Must have note from your child.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
No Pics Until Kids Are 16
Father stopped from taking picture of his son, 4, on children's train ride 'in case he was a paedophile'. No more kid pics allowed, a parently.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Force Of Habit
Pub landlord is first person in Britain to be jailed over smoking ban. Forgot and lit up while explaining the new law.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Man Robs Same Bank Next Day
Man caught robbing same bank twice in 24 hours. "Probably shouldn't have let him go", says police captain. "But he seemed like he'd learned his lesson."
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise....
There are a load of Russian T-80 tanks abandoned. The teddy bears next picnic will be held in the gulag.
written by Earl Grey, 27 February 2010
Look At Friday, Saturday Schedules
By-the-number look at Friday airline cancellations. Starting with American Airlines and alphabetically, sound off American!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Cease And Desist!
Sea World says it will fight federal order to stop using people as whale food.
written by Adam Click, 27 February 2010
Really Bad One
Northeast snow halts planes, trains, automobiles, walking, snowmobiles, skiers!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Leon Back On Late Night
Leno returns to late night, but can he rule? Will he lead with his chin?
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
"Precious" The Big Winner!
'Precious' wins really, really big at 41st NAACP Image Awards!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Including The Kirstie Diet
Study: High-fat diets raise stroke risk in women! All high fat weight control programs to be shut down.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
2010 Most Complicated
China premier: 2010 'most complicated' for economy. "But wait until you see 2011! What a lulu!"
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Final Tests!
Utah company conducts final test on shuttle cock. I'm sorry, that should be shuttle rocket.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Senators Advise NASA
Senators to NASA chief: Go somewhere specific. We know you're "Out there", but where?
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Ancient Chinese Wrecks
China, Kenya to search for ancient Chinese wrecks. One old sailor said to be over 125 years old. All over 100.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
We Got Carried Away
FDIC shuts down banks in Nevada, Washington and Mexico. Then reopens one in Mexico with apologies.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Excellent Example
Fannie Mae seeks $15.3B in gov't aid after 4Q loss. An example of how government health care will work.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Tiger: Another Sponsor Quits
Remaining endorsement deals for condoms and TV dinners for one not thought at risk.
written by Life with Rabbit, 27 February 2010
Hazard Of The Job
White House social secretary Rogers resigning after contacting social disease.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Birth Certificates Voided
Shock, confusion after birth certificates voided. Most of you reading this, get ready to be deported.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
New Flowers ID
Iris scans may prevent mistaken release of inmates, also twolips.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
SeaWord Reopens
SeaWorld set for 1st show after trainer's death. Mostly dolphins with ladies water ballet, dressed in painted swimsuits. Sold out through 2015.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Change In Programs
SeaWorld set for 1st show after trainer's death. Features mostly seal orchestra, bit catfish jumping ten feet out of water.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
"I Totally Lost It!"
SeaWorld set for 1st show after trainer's death. Killer whale to apologize for being a killer whale.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Best Video On The Net
Ousted 'Idol' contestants swing back at judges. Judges forced to sing and dance for hours before security arrives.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Idol Contestants Attack
Ousted 'Idol' contestants swing back at judges. Simon Cowell escapes with only a microphone shoved up his ass!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
"Idol" Contestants Hit Back
Ousted 'Idol' contestants swing back at judges. Simon Cowell first one to be decked!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Tsunami Warnings
Asia braces for tsunami after Chile quake. Fear huge wave of tomato sauce, beans.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
After Chile Earthquake
Hawaii under tsunami warning.....Hawaii under tsunami!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Helps Save Social Security, Medicare
Shock, confusion after birth certificates voided. "Mr. Smith, are you sure you exist?"
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Social Security Tricks.
Shock, confusion after birth certificates voided. "Sorry, you can't draw social security until you find it."
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
The Golden Goose?
San Diego students storm offices after goose found! I'm sorry, that should be "after noose found".
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Sounds Like US Government
Petra sets record, sells rough diamond for $35 million. Cutter disappears after smashing it to bits.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Already Behind Bars!
Scientists Unravel Mysteries of Intelligence! CIA begins rounding up scientists.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Final Proof
Scientists Unravel Mysteries of Intelligence! It's nowhere around Washington, DC!
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Compromise 90/10
Obama: Compromise on health if GOP is serious. "All I ask is that they meet us 90% our way."
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Obama Care
Obama: Compromise on health if GOP is serious, we'll allow them to have insurance too.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Boeing Announce New Safer Plane
Aircraft builders Boeing introduced their new 'Super Safety Airbus' yesterday. The plane - based on the 747 - is made from a special lightweight intensified rubber and has been named 'Boeing Boing'.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Flight Grounded because of massive rat
Hundreds of passengers were ordered off a plane because a huge rat was discovered on board. After the plane was cleared of people the culprit Gordon Brown was removed by pest control experts.
written by SPECTRUM, 27 February 2010
St Stephen's Green Turned Into Boxing Ring
Gordon Brown has challenged all comers to fight him in the ring outside Westminster. Millions are joining the que.
written by Earl Grey, 27 February 2010
Biking Horse a "Mane Attraction"
Gandolfolfolfier Brothers Circus - currently touring the Outer Hebrides - are featuring the world's first cycling horse. 'He's "Sam the Spokeshorse" softly spoke a hoarse horse spokeshorse yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2010
Little Miss Muffet Sat on a Tuffet
And wondered, "How can I find a husband, so that I can dump this stupid name?"
written by Gail Farrelly, 27 February 2010
U. S. Military Now Permits Use of Twitter
Don't ask, don't tell, just tweet it.
written by Gail Farrelly, 27 February 2010
Open Your Mouth Wide
Obama's health care plan is about to be rammed down your throat.
written by Gail Farrelly, 27 February 2010
People Rush to Doctors
Have gotten sick after watching Obama's Health Care Summit on TV
written by Gail Farrelly, 27 February 2010
Its True! Schwarzenegger to lift equivalent of Cal. debt in McMuffins
Governor Schwarzenegger today said that he will hoist 600 pounds of the McDonald's breakfast muffins each day until he reaches 21 billion total pounds or until the deficit is resolved.
written by Wumf, 27 February 2010
Tips From Fed Chairman Bernanke
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one. Let's say you walk in and everyone shouts "Surprise!" and it's not your birthday.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Yep, You're Outa There
Fed Chairman Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one. Let's say, when you ask where this year's Holiday party is going to be held & the boss says "I wouldn't worry about it."
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Monkey Business
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one. Let's say that when you go on your shift, there's a monkey wearing your guard uniform walking around the perimeter.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
It's You Or Her, Maybe Both
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one. Let's say your secretary suddenly tells you where to put your dictation.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Looking For A New Job
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one, if when you come into your office, all 200 pencils you've stuck on the ceiling are missing.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Sure Sign You're A Goner
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one if your co-workers begin slapping you on the shoulder a lot and shaking their head.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Start Looking
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one. Watch out for catch words like "dead meat" and "the late great" being whispered around you.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
Start Looking
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke recommends hunting new job while still at present one if you come into your office and the chair is gone, the next day your desk is gone. That's a sure sign.
written by Bureau, 27 February 2010
