New Winter Olympic Event:
Hot Breath Ice Cube Melting
written by Nik Voelz, 14 February 2010
Sit & Rock A Spell
Researchers say that people are getting out more, going over to their neighbors and sit around together just talking. Mostly about reality shows on TV.
US Military says that there are now more hummers in Afghanistan than Hollywood & Beverly Hills combined.
'Lack of bipartisanship within the Democratic Camp'
Pelosi wants Obama's head.
Biden on Iran: "We are making significant progress"
We have got Iran to agree to using the word "container" instead of "nuke bomb casing".
Americans More Positive
Poll: Average American much more positive about the nation's future after Washington DC closed all week because of snow.
Rushdie Cancels Saudi Invitation
Salman Rushdie cancels appointment for book signing in Saudi Arabia, although he thanks them for the invitation.
The Hulk Strikes
Hulk Hogan apologizes to Donald Trump after breaking chair over his head. "I swear, I thought that thing up there was eating his brains."
Sarah Measuring Up?
Democrats say that they believe Sarah Palin is exaggerating in her new book and want to use a tape measure to affirm facts.
Good News From Barack
President Obama tells reporters that for the last time, we are NOT in a depression, and to go away and leave him alone!
"The Scream" Maybe For $10 Bills
Copies of Andy Warhol's "200 One Dollar Bills" to be placed on $20 bills. Treasury hoping this makes dollars worth more.
Space Walk! Wow!
The latest messages from the space shuttle after docking at Space Station is that they are doing the mandatory space walk. Average cost: $3,000,000 per step.
Iran admits that it can't convert enriched uranium into fuel rods
so plans to store the enriched uranium inside "containers"
Marilyn Monroe = Army Linen Room
Some Like It Hot actor was favorite for her next spouse
Marilyn Monroe = No I Marry Lemon
Marilyn Monroe = Moan Merrily On
Upright and upstanding chaps only
Marilyn Monroe = Moral Men Irony
Saudi currency nightmare?
Marilyn Monrie = Riyal Omen Morn
Pining for President Reagan?
Marilyn Monroe = Immoral Ron Yen
Mother's kidney stones woe
Marilyn Monroe = Renal Irony Mom
At behest of Obama, Pentagon announces Biotech Breakthrough
Turning algae into coal - to power military jets and hardware.
Standardbearer for cynics
Marilyn Monrioe = Male Irony Norm
Some dumb blonde
Marilyn Monroe = My Linear Moron
I see one of her husband's there!
Marilyn Monroe = Yon Norm Mailer
Can U believe This Guy?
Under Obama's 'leadership' the USA turns its nose up at Canadian Oil only for China to move in with big license deals for Canadian oil
Something for that frown line
Clint Eastwood = Scowl Antidote
She's smooth-skinned of course
Clint Eastwood = No Latticed Sow
Are ever the same!
Clint Eastwood = No Two Dialects
New movie title?
Clint Eastwood = On Two Citadels
Clint Eastwood = Cad Swine Lotto
Some competition prize...
Clint Eastwood = Won Cad's Toilet
Bereavement for moron
Clint Eastwood = Condoles A Twit
Nonplussed at lack of an Oscar
Clint Eastwood = A Stoic Letdown
Clint Eastwood = A Twisted Colon
He's into sweaters!
Clint Eastwood = Woolen tits cad
Oldendays avian contraceptive?
Charlie Chaplin = Archaic Hen Pill
Don't use these numbers in an ATM
Charlie Chaplin = Archaic Hell Pin
Charlie Chaplin = A Harelip Clinch
Charlie Chaplin = Chinchilla Rape
Man Bites Dog
In a bid to see if anyone would read one of his snippets a man bit a dog earlier today.
written by Earl Grey, 14 February 2010
Notes from the Olympic Village
Canadian pride and enthusiasm for home team is evident when Zamboni driver gets standing ovation.
News from the Olympic Village
Local libraries receive requests to send people to read Chinese athletes their bedtime stories.
Notes from the Olympic Village
Male lugers must now begin race at the women's starting point....calling the first part of the race the pussy push-off.
Notes from the Olympic Village
A lot of snow and ice in Vancouver is melting....maybe too many S.I. Swimsuit Issues were imported?
Notes from the Olympic Village
The Chinese team has bought more training pants and acne team than any group from any other nation.
Valentine's Day Message
Does "thinking outside the box" drive you mad? Marriage counselors say you should also consider her personality.
More Supreme Court Rulings
The US Sumpreme Court ruled Friday 5-4 that Al Gore is full of shit on global warming, even if he's right.
Supreme Court Rules
The Supreme Court rules that the US was definitely the winner in Iraq. However, vote on Afghanistan still deadlocked.
Still Another Party Crasher
Couple not the only uninvited guests at White House party. Abraham Lincoln seen in photos shaking hands with Biden who's too busy talking to notice.
Also Seen Walking Halls At Night
Couple not the only uninvited guests at White House party. Dick Cheney photographed after coming out of undisclosed location in tux.
President Obama appears before the United Nations to get approval for sneak attack on Iran.
Kenyans In Somalia
Kenyans recruited to fight in Somalia. President Obama told that he will probably get an exemption, at least until 2012.
Government Motors: US Being Repaid...Eventually
AP Source: GM to begin repaying aid. Dealers agree to take the "First Dollar" made out of frame and sending it to Uncle Sam.
Warning Taken Seriously
From the Government that gave us 24-hour drinking, a £7m ad campaign on the perils of that extra pint. So we thought we'd drink it first", say regular customers.
School lets back head boy barred for kissing a girl as he takes the kiss back.
Economists Warn Brits
Top economists warn that Britain's economy is at risk and call for rapid deficit cut, older citizens to kick off!
Pick On Someone Else
'This shark isn't getting the better of me': Brave grandmother escapes by punching attacker on the nose, nearly pinching it's cheeks off.
A Little Red-faced: Fergie's latest children's book sells just 159 copies in the UK. Critics say "A Little Red-faced" horrible title for children's book.
Postman Fingers Grasping More Money
Postman wins £3,000 after damaging darts finger in letter box. Now suing for £20,000 over damaged middle finger.
Pensioner Denied Bus
Pensioner stranded 10 miles from home after bus driver refuses to let him on with a tin of paint. "Has to use money like everyone else, doesn't he?"
More Crying As Somebody Has To Lose
After Gordon Brown's tears, emotional David Cameron tells TV of his regrets following son's death.
No Global Warming Since 1995
Climategate U-turn as scientist at centre of row admits: There has been no global warming since 1995. Somebody tell Chicken Little in Tennessee.
The Tax Man Cometh
Stars fade after facing massive payback demands as HMRC probes
£2bn film tax loophole.
Anatomy-Boosting Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?
Hundreds of British men are risking a Valentine's Day anticlimax for their partners by stocking up on anatomy-boosting underpants ahead of the most romantic weekend of the year.
Gore The Bore
Airlines cancel flights as global warming winter storm hits South.
All lost in the supermarket
A mountain guide has been reported lost in a busy supermarket in Reading. Police have no firm clues however they suspect he may be located in the frozen goods section of the store. Here's hoping, eh.
Microsoft Seeking Comeback
Seeking a comeback, Microsoft searching for a smartass answer to competitor's quips.
Reading On The John?
NASA launches lavatory to study The Sun. I'm sorry, that should be "NASA launches observatory to study the sun."
One Big Mess Of Fish
Surf contest reminds bystanders of sea's power as giant wave with 50 sharks come over the flood walls.
Singapore Opens Casino
Singapore tries luring foreigners as casino with 15 bars and 50 slightly clothed helpers opens.
Blowing In The Wind
Activists: Whalers hurt by their own pepper spray as they spray into the wind at anti-whaling group.
UN says: "To Save the Environment Offer to shower with a celebrity - "a thousand times a day"
We Couldn't Stop
Two bank robbers to sue Toyota after high spped chase by police around & around parking lot.
Might Want To Watch That
Traffic cop warns driver of Toyota that was parked that the brake lights were coming on & going off by themselves.
Brown headed for Gold at Vancouver
UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has announced he will fly to Vancouver, Canada to participate in the Winter Olympics. His chosen sport: speed skating, where he can run around in circles all day.
You Asked For It
Vice President may sue after getting what he's always asked for, a 'Penis Colada'.
Obama getting debriefed on Afghanistan operation as joker escapes without being caught. Police to review security tapes.
"I have a package"
can mean delivering a Valentine Card or a greasy burger to former President Clinton or that package that well endowed male ballet dancers sometimes carry about their person while on stage.
Police stuff up again
A man has been arrested and charged with imitating Susan Boyle however, on closer inspection, it was revealed that the alleged "man" was really in fact Susan Boyle. Police are naturally embarrassed.
Hugging Record Set
Embracing history: Man sets hugs record in Vegas by hugging three winning slots, the most anyone ever won on.
Head Of Oil Firm Dead
Police: Alaska oil firm head dies in avalanche, after Greenpeace spotted in the area.
Obama's White House
to use psi-ops on the next "Christmas Day Bomber", but will send the "Boxing Day Bomber" to "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Clean The Grease Trap EVERY Year?
New food safety code important to eateries, customers, but hated by their owners.
Is It Ever Lowered?
Utility Companies announce that the cost of electricity will be going up for the month of March, same as every month.
White House 'out to lunch, dinner, breakfast, tea - "the whole shebang"'
White House throws a Didgeridoo party to show the Middle East that "America really does Care"
Surf contest reminds bystanders of sea's power as one surfer winds up in Palm Springs.
Biden: Cheney Up To No Good
Biden says Cheney is misinformed or misleading or ready to shoot me in the face.
Biden: Cheney Up To No Good
Biden says Cheney is misinformed or misleading or missing as new VP, FBI still cannot find Cheney's undisclosed location.
Before Obama was 'agnostic' about Pelosi he was
agnostic about the growing budget deficit, out of control government spending etc.
Bidne: Cheney Up To No Good
Biden says Cheney is misinformed or misleading or something bad like that.
Hillary Visiting Persion Gulf
Secretary Of State Clinton visits key allies in Persian Gulf, Kuwait.
President Obama in secret moves
To give Al Qaeda operatives more leeway 'to communicate their message'.
Most Liveable City?
Olympics host Vancouver ranked world's most liveable city. Naturally one person killed the first day.
Obama 'at sixes and sevens'
The President is still 'conflicted' about Al Qaeda's motives
Sub Still Missing?
Gone fishing: Secret hunt for a sunken Soviet sub as Russia refuses to move from favorite fishing area where US already fished out sub in 1970's.
Al Qaeda learning spycraft from watching latest Chuck episodes
"not true" - "but we are monitoring the situation" said White House spokesperson.
49 States Have Snow
49 states dusted with snow, 49 dusted with snow. Take one down, all melted on the ground, 48 states dusted with snow!
Greece has 'come up' with so many things
including Europe's largest deficit:GDP ratio
US Debt Will Continue
US debt will keep growing even with recovery, as it has for the last 30 years.
Bombimg In India
Nationalists blame Pakistan for bombing in India. Socialists blame society in general.
Taliban Headed To The Hills
Gunfire as some Taliban fight Marines in Marjah. But most creep away in the light & return when Marines leave, like cockroaches.
Iran has a perfectly good reason for enriching uranium
to make nuclear bombs
Al Qaeda operatives use "secret words" to avoid searches at airports
"Can't make this stuff up"
Boyle lanced and reinvented
Scottish warbler, Susan Boyle, has been apprehended, hermetically sealed and whisked off to Vancouver to appear as a ski jump at the Winter Olympics. Her singing career apparently in tatters; typical.
Trouble with the Extra Room (with windows) at the Space Station
Intergalactic real estate agent suddenly appeared and said, "Hey, the reservation wasn't for a room with a view."
Original Features Can Still Be Seen on Ancient Spider Fossil
No facelift necessary.
Pill helps to cure osteoporosis in mice and rats
Way to go, scientists. Now we'll have a nice strong rodent population to battle.
Research Shows Drinking Beer May Strengthen Bones
Since Super Bowl Sunday, bones seem to be doing just fine.
Voting Democrat Unhealthy According to Science
Researchers at A Really Impressive University have announced today that voting Democrat causes blackheads, sickle-cell anemia, high blood pressure, marathon shitting, and a craving for chitlins.
written by Daniel Bristol, 14 February 2010
Still Above New York Times
The National Enquirer celebrates getting their seventh facts straight in an article, although five have been about John Edwards.
Harmony All Wrong
Surviving Members of the Beatles call it quits, decide to go solo!
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that the good news is that we may be out of the recession soon. The bad news is that we will then be in a depression. Still, it will be nice for a change.
Bipartisan means involving two major political parties in drafting legislation. Too bad, President Obama defines "two major political parties" as House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid!
Climate Change Crappy Theories
EX-LAX: Global warming is caused by constipation! IMODIUM: Global warming is caused by diarrhea!
I'll Be Back
A 1968 Democratic National Convention Vietnam War protester said "If Congress tries to use the nuclear option to pass health care reform, the Chicago IL protests will look like a walk in the park!"
Republican and Democratic Party Bravado
Each party has hired a consultant to come up with a bravado "Buzz Word" generator. This computer program quickly allows campaign committee chairmen to write ridiculous inane fund raising letters.
Did President Obama say "No New Taxes on the Middle Class?" I'll bet you didn't know the president was a ventriloquist!
Third Party Candidate
President Obama plans to run on the "No Nothing Party" slate in 2012, as he knows nothing about, the economy, health care, energy, homeland security, the military and lacks being bipartisan.
Water Boarding to Officially End
The town of Jones AR, population 23, has disbanded its water board and transferred its members to the sewer board! Town residents are stunned as they have only wells and septic systems.
A New Spin
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs is leaving government service. He is taking a new job with Toyota Motors to do the same type of spinning job, but at four times his current salary!
LONE RANGER: Do you realize that after November 2010 we may have to do Snippets about Republican right wing loons? TONTO: Not to worry, Washington DC politicians will still talk with forked tongues!
The onion has been proven to be a cause of gas and diarrhea! However the onion may also be used as a cure by employing it as a cork.
Love Conquers All
Saudi Arabian Religious Police again crackdown on Saint Valentine's Day gifts. Every year they do the same thing, but never seem to notice the birth rate continues to increase anyway!
No new taxes on Middle Class Americans
President Obama approved raising the national debt ceiling by $2.0 billion and will only tax the wealthy. The president has also proposed lowering the definition of wealthy from $250,000 to $25,000!
Eating Road Kill Approved
The food police have approved eating fresh road kill. Only organically raised road kill having FDA certified fat, calorie and salt labels attached is allowed. Vending machine road kill is forbidden!
Trial Venue Selected
President Obama selects the south lawn of the White House for the Khalid Sheik Mohammed terrorism trial. Eric Holder, the US Attorney general objected to using his office, as it is too small!
A poll was taken in both houses of Congress, asking who Thomas Jefferson was. The majority of respondents identified him as the lead singer for the Jefferson Airplane!
Police warn lonely old maid to leave roadside with her "Will work for sperm" sign.
Snow Blindness You Say?
President Obama having a hard time explaining to republicans and some democrats why he insists that Michelle start wearing a veil.
Shut Your Yap, Barak Honey!
Michelle Obama say they need a vacation alone somewhere where she can make him shut his mouth before he breaks it from everyday speeches.
Palin Didn't Know
Palin says she didn't know Bristol was having sex. "They were supposed to be making a snowman, not a baby!"
Authorities outlaw human/animal hybrids but agree that it would be a hoot!
Bird watcher's adding special place in journal for tree-sitters and details about them.
Vice President Joe Biden's got the ass after Senate votes down Vice President's Day, 100-0.
Word From Internet Cops
Hackers have broken into you e-mails with your girlfriend. Look for everyone to treat you differently from now on, Mr. Penis!
Arrested D & D Anyway
Convertible drivers say they are getting high off the fumes of cars that run on gasohol, not the partial case of beer in bad seat.