Bush Continues To Defend Iraq War
Says Bush, "The world is better of without Saddam Hussein and the million innocent Iraqis I killed."
written by manbrad, 03 December 2010
Operation: Loudmouth Begins
Under attack, WikiLeaks seeks shelter in cold war bunker as British planes take off in pursuit.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Cher Loses Her Ass!
At the American Music Awards the other night, Cher once again lost her ass. That's literally. Third year in a roll she's had to stay Behind!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Qatar Hosting World Cup
Qatar was chosen instead of the United States for the next World Cup. Qatar had also defeated the United States team three years in a row at Camel Polo.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Bananas & Peanut Butter
In Japan, a produce company is selling "Mozart Bananas." They're bananas that have grown in a room where Mozart is playing. If this works, next year they will grow "Elvis Peanuts" for peanut butter.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
WalMart Wanger Free On Bail
WalMart claims that man caught masterbating in toy department yesterday was sent by a competitor. "They always put up a stiff competition!"
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
written by anthonyrosania, 03 December 2010
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
written by anthonyrosania, 03 December 2010
South Ossetia Sides With Russia
The Republic of Georgia says that South Ossetia, a breakaway region that sides with Russia, is a loose cannon.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Bobbitt Called In For Castration
Sex-offending teacher asks for castration. Lorens Bobbitt called after Rabbi refused do perform during days of Hannukah!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Last Of Hillary In Politics
Hillary Clinton says she's in her last public job. No presidential run in 2012? "Nope. I don't want to be saddled with this mess!"
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Heesters Turns 106, Quits Smoking!
Actor Johannes Heesters quits smoking - at age 106. "It was messing up my sex life."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Hobo's Out Of Luck
China passenger train hits 300 mph, breaks record, hits what looks like two to three cows.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Just Wanted To Drop In And Call You On The Phone
President Obama on Afghan trip. Obama visits troops, phones Karzai. "By calling Karzai from here, it's a local call.", he explains.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
102th Flooding This Year!
Authorities in Bosnia, Serbia and Montenegro declare state of emergency after worst flooding in 104 years. Leaders say they guess it was their turn!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
No Surprise This Time?
President Obama arrives in Afghanistan for unannounced visit. Given the red carpet treatment. Suspects Wiki of giving him away.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Only One Requirement!
Jessica Simpson wants a "simple wedding" this time. "Just as long as he's got a big penis!"
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Nasty thieves steal snowman in the UK!
A woman rung 999 and told the police some scoundrels had stolen her snowman, they rushed to the crime scene and asked her for a description, she said he was white and had carrot for a nose?
written by unknown
Buffalo Weather
Buffalo New York experienced a weather phenomenon known as thunder snow yesterday. Visiting Paris Hilton says that the snow is up to her nose.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Pee Wee Has Scary Week
Pee Wee Herman had a scary week after a check-up showed something up his wazoo. However, today the doctor told him that he thought it could be rectified.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
"It's Not In Their Bedroom Is It?"
Man caught outside Lexington family's bedroom window told police he had lost his watch there about a year ago. "I meant to come back before but I could never find the time."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Obama Visits Afghanistan
From Afghanistan, Obama delivers remarks on U.S. economy: "So you see, you're better off here!"
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Santa Given Warning
Santa Claus has received a warning for stalking after he's caught creeping around, looking into windows, to see who has been naughty & nice.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Big Brother Watching
Feds Warrantlessly Tracking Americans' Credit Cards in Real Time. Better have a good explanation if you suddenly deposit $10,000 or more into bank account.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Man On The Run!
President Obama flees to Afghanistan. Tells Hillary that this time it's his turn to being gone during congressional turmoil. Hillary escaped all during the November elections.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
New 'Naked Gun'?
Rumor out already that there may be a new 'Naked Gun' movie as a tribute to the late Leslie Nielson. Pricilla Presley has signed as co-star and the part of O.J. Simpson will be played by Lisa Marie.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Industries Surviving the Recession
Industries surviving recession by asking employees to do double their previous workload, down-sizing.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Germ Munchies
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we gnaw it'!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Unannounced Trip
President Obama in Afghanistan on unannounced trip...well I guess I screwed that up!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Jobless Rate Increases
Company payrolls barely rise, jobless rate, everyone's nerves jump!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Nope, Nothing There!
WikiLeaks report there's no more gold in Fort Knox than there is any funds in Social Security, borrowed by congress 40 years ago.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Two For One Sale?
New signs popping up near funeral homes: "Ask Us About Our Boomer Specials!"
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Lebron Back At Cleveland
NBA star Lebron James scores 38 points to lead Miami Heat over old team, Grieveland Cavaliers.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Lebron Returns
Lebron James uses 38-Special to blow away his old NBA team, the Cleveland Cavaliers.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Nine Month Old Cyst Arrives
Woman finds out she's NINE months pregnant after doctors tell her she's got an ovarian cyst. "I think I'll name her 'Kate' and call her Sis.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
25% Drop Online Grocery Shoppers
One in four online grocery shoppers has now given up because of a 'poor service', tooth marks in products.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
No More World Cup In England?
We'll never bid again to host the World Cup, says Team England boss (as Putin turns up to gloat over 'mafia state' Russia's win). "I hope they lose a trillion dollars."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Anti-Social Security Still
Deficit-cutting plan wins more bipartisan support before vote. But raising retirement age to 69 won't help. They will apply and draw more from disability at earlier age.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Bipartisan Congress Didn't Consider Poor Again
Deficit-cutting plan wins more bipartisan support before vote. Social security payments to begin when you are 76.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Plagiarists Conference - Manchester
This year's conference is the same format as the Clichés Conference. Please copy somebody else's ticket to gain entry. The keynote speaker will be giving Steve J Gould's speech.
written by IainB, 03 December 2010
Man killed in Toronto Library with a crossbow
Suspect, Robin of the hood, was arrested at his Sherwood Forest apartment, he shared with his little brother John. Police credit Meter maid Marian for getting the license number of his green van.
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
Progressive Insurance wants to acquire GEICO Car Insurance
Flo the television pitch woman for Progressive said, "I hear gecko tastes like chicken, now bring on Aflac, I'd love to try duck."
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
Natalie Portman Talks
Natalie Portman Talks Pasta-Heavy Diet, 'Flexible' Boyfriend, The String Theory.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
We Have No Idea
Uncertainties of 'Global Warming': Sea Level Could Rise in South, Fall in North, stay the same everywhere.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
England To Boycott World Cup
It won't make much difference though, because most people don't notice we're there anyway. That's when we do manage to qualify.
written by Skoob1999, 03 December 2010
Jobs Market Down
Unemployment up to 9.8%! See if this drops if unemployed benefits stop after six months.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Own A Piece Of History
Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin to be auctioned in L.A. Body will cost extra. Most think it is Casino Bound!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
World Cup Update
World Cup 2018 to be in Russia and 2022 to Qatar and be pissed in by England on both occasions!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
A procrastinator's guide!
A procrastinator's guide to holiday air travel you had plan to do this Thanksgiving.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
FIFA Fuel announce take over of BP !
FIFA boss Bepp Splatter today announced the shock takeover of fuel giant BP following the recent acquisition of several oil wells in both the Middle East and Eastern Europe.
More to follow.....
written by Alan Goodfellow, 03 December 2010
Oh Freedom!
Aretha Franklin calls her surgery a success. "I told them, you better 'think, think about what you're trying to do to me'."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Risky River, Take My Behind
Study says even being a bit overweight is whiskey.....risky.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
New Train Speed Record Set
China passenger train hits 300 mph, breaks record, necks!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Chicken factory robbery investigated
Police are taking the utmost care whilst searching the scene for clues. "Our constables are treading on eggshells while we carry out our investigation," said Chief Inspector Yolk.
written by Mark, 03 December 2010
Spammer Due In Court
Man due in Milwaukee court on spamming charge...also potted meat!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Cliché writers conference
You won't be taken for a ride at this hottest conference of the year, taking place at the end of the day, we'll cover all the bases. Book now, tickets are selling like hotcakes.
written by IainB, 03 December 2010
Ansenic As Nutrient
Microbe found that can use arsenic as nutrient. Seven Agatha Christie classics being updated.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
1 Trick to White Teeth
Dentists are afraid of letting this secret slip, but single mom discovers that brushing teeth thrice daily makes teeth brilliantly white!
written by Mark, 03 December 2010
China To Tighten Up
China says it will tighten monetary policy in 2011. Everybody else spending like there's no tomorrow.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Is Acai Berry a Miracle Diet or an Internet Scam?
Hundreds shocked to hear that Acai Berry is actually a fruit.
written by Mark, 03 December 2010
Private Highing Picks Up
Private hiring pickup forecast for November, especially "turkey" jobs.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
One secret to a sexy stomach
A mom discovers that keeping the truth from others helps you lose weight!
written by Mark, 03 December 2010
Feminists Finally Emerge, Apparently Afraid Of Taliban!
Feminists accuse Joe Scarborough of using sexist language. Still no word on women being treated worse than animals in Arab countries.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Clarence Thomas' Wife Not Leaving Tea Party
Clarence Thomas' wife: I'm not leaving my Tea Party organization. What's more, I am not starting a Tupperware Party that stand-ups are talking about.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Spacecraft Returns
Unmanned US spacecraft returns after 7-month trip, but in completely different saucer-shape.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Won't Help HIV Spread
Kenya PM's Call to Arrest Gays Jeopardizes HIV Prevention. Beginning with all the other prisoners.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Something To Sing About
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'. L'Chaim!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
World Affected By Everything
How Europe's Debt Crisis Could Infect America! "If a fly farts in the Congo...."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Purchase Former Rentals
Boost Retirement Savings by Avoiding Car Payments! No need for new car every 4-5 years, you bunch of morons! Economists are fed up!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Kentucky Needs Intrepreters
Ky. sees 35K cases a year that require interpreters. Mostly Yanks from up north.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
German Hackers Steal Pop
German hackers allegedly steal pop music. Many boomers say they hope they keep it.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Rear Visibility Improved
Gov't offers new rules for rear visibility in cars. However, two-foot rear view mirror could hurt front view.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
In Your Face
LeBron dominates in Cleveland return. "See, I could play when I want to."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
US Spacecraft Returns
Unmanned US spacecraft returns after 7-month trip, full of arsenic aliens!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
SKorean Jets On Stand-By
SKorean jets will bomb North if it attacks again. Of course, the same thing was stated before last attack.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
LOUD TV ADS TO BE lowered!
Ear relief: Congress acts to stifle loud TV ads. Many glad Billy Mays not around to hear this.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Lower TV Ads!
Ear relief: Congress acts to stifle loud TV ads. Should help those who still have hearing.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Good To See Cooperation
Foreign help arrives to help Israel fight fire. PLO youth helping by throwing rocks onto fires, firefighters.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Let's Vote "Maybe" & Then Leave
Congress in a hurry with stupid running of the country to finish so the holiday parties can begin.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Give Us The "Reader's Digest" Version
Deficit-cutting plan wins more support before vote. "We think even more will support it once they read it."
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
SKorean Jets Ready
SKorean jets will bomb North if it attacks again...Mad Kim or no Mad Kim!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Vincent's Starry Starry Night
Starry, starry, starry night: Phrase users yesterday in star count, may be sued by Don McLean.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
You Never Know Where Inspiration Will Come From
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'. Scientists accidentally discovered this from watching the play, "Phosphorus and Old Lace".
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
But Now OUR Life!
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'...Also death AS we know it.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
WikiLeaks Shows Training Working
WikiLeaks Shows the Skills of U.S. Diplomats. Training to keep poker face while lying is paying off.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Getting Better At Lying
WikiLeaks Shows the Skills of U.S. Diplomats...in deceiving the American public.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Offened The Swiss
WikiLeaks switches to Swiss domain after attacks since Swiss now trying to arrest WikiLeaker.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Extend It Then Don't?
A deal to extend expiring tax cuts for all taxpayers taking shape even as Senate Democrats plan weekend votes on bills that lets the tax cuts for the wealthy die. Makes perfect sense for Washington.
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Datey Katey
Kate Middleton admitted today that she had slept with Bono, Mick Jagger, Justin Timberlake, Seal, Liam Gallagher, Elvis Costello(?), Meatloaf(??) and Sinead O'Connor(!!??). What will Willy say?
written by whatinthe world, 03 December 2010
Thought For The Day:
Going to Hell in a handcart? Not me! If I've gotta go, I'm going in a Maserati!
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 03 December 2010
Blue Red Tops
UK tabloids saddened and frustrated by persistent Wills/Kate happiness.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Royal Family capitalizes on snow fall
Duchess of York relocated to grace and favour igloo.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Snowfall will not harm UK economy
Bank of England says: "A corpse can't catch a cold, can it?"
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
New government plan to clear roads
Princess Anne to glare at snow.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Bright side to FIFA balls up
One less visit from Posh.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Scientists claim three times as many stars as originally believed
Reality television blamed.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
2 for 2
Santa Claus dumps UK from itinerary after World Cup loss.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
The low pressure super system that stole Christmas
Snowed in, Britain forced to cancel holidays.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
92-year old woman says she's still looking for love
and her glasses.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Game changer?
Prince Charles' secret delight Wills couldn't win World Cup for UK.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Petty is the new diplomacy
WikiLeaks resentment so poisons international relations No. 10 won't congratulate Russia over World Cup hosting win.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
West Loathian fears over seismic event unfounded
Neighbours aid Susan Boyle after fall on icy pavement.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
UK's Top Ten Winter Driving Tips Delayed
due to road closures.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
WikiLeaks gets personal
Hillary Clinton beauty secrets to be revealed tomorrow.
written by Catherine the Average, 03 December 2010
Idaho white supremacist builds Klan snowman on his front lawn
Mark Eliseuson said, "I didn't mean no harm, despite what the neighbors was saying." To prove his point he burned a cross, melting the snowman. Firefighters saved his dog before the house burned down.
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
LPGA Votes to Allow Transgender Women
The LPGA commissioner said a constitutional clause that competitors must be "female at birth" would be removed, adding, "We still have final say over putters and balls."
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
House Censures Veteran Rep. Rangel for Misconduct
Rangel was at times contrite in his address to members of Congress. Fortunately, the dapper Congressman didn't require stitches as he bit his lip.
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
Snow strands Buffalo motorists
Hundreds of bison in motorcars have been stranded for nearly 20 hours on a major thoroughfare in upstate New York.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 December 2010
Aretha Franklin calls her surgery a success
The Queen of Soul said, "God is still in control." R-E-S-P-E-C-T
written by JAB, 03 December 2010
England Lose 2018 World Cup
Sorry, that should read 'England Lose Out On 2018 World Cup', bloody predictive text...
written by Nick Hobbs, 03 December 2010
Fed Chairman Needs To Answer
Federal Reserve May Be 'Central Bank of the World' After UBS, Barclays Aid! Fed busy bailing out foreign banks & allowing funds to lead to firing half police force in US second most violent city!
written by Bureau, 03 December 2010
Thank You USA
Thank you President George W Bush, Bono and USA drug companies for providing HIV/AIDS drugs to African countries to fight this deadly disease.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
President Obama says Trust Me
Obama desires Senate Republicans to ratify the START Treaty with Russia. The president promises to update remaining USA nuclear weapons, but also promised to renew oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Hiding in a Cave
The WikiLeaks founder is sharing a cave in Sweden with Osama bin Laden. How come this fugitive could find Osama when no one else could?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Lunch at the Cancun Environmental Conference
Japan proposes rescinding the Kyoto Protocols. This position reversal was discussed at a working buffet lunch catered by the Japanese, consisting of Whale meat delicacies!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Military Personnel Too Fat
The US Navy first noticed over 15 years ago that sailors were getting too fat and corrected the problem. The tip-off was a Submarine's Chief of the Boat couldn't fit down the hatch!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Here Comes the President's Debt Commission
Blue states dependent on Washington DC touted lower than the national unemployment rate, due to high federal employment & supporting service companies. When the federal cutbacks come, look out!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Pelosi's Pedigree
The pathetic pathological progressive pariah Pelosi purposely puts party politics prior to patriotism, perhaps polarizing people to perceive this puckish pariah as a perennial pompous pygia!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Obama's Economic History Lesson
During 2009 to 2011 the USA almost committed economic suicide. The cause a $3 trillion deficit, useless stimulus package, Obamacare & policies of the FED, FCC, OSHA, EPA, USDOT, TSA, DOI, DOE & USFWS.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 December 2010
Ahmajinedad goes to Arab summit
There was an uncomfortable silence after Ahmajinedad said "Hello my Arab Friends!"
written by Julian Shure, 03 December 2010
