Evangelist Pat Robertson Blames Gulf Oil Spill on Louisiana Voodoo Practitioners
Prays for BP's quick economical recovery.
written by Charpa93, 30 April 2010
GOP: Might Be More Fun To Lose
Dems say Tea Party may hurt GOP in the fall elections. Tea Party replies that if that happens, they plan to hurt any Dems they can corner.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Jim Carrey Still Appears Cheerful
Jim Carrey and wife reveal tragedy that all their children suffer from Clown's Syndrome.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Bill Clinton Confesses!
Ex-President Bill Clinton admits he once ate five Whoppers a day, including Monica twice.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
"Would That I Were Dead!"
Adult death rates lowest in Iceland, although many try very hard, to escape ice and volcano.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Spill Sways Drilling Decisions
Sperm spill spells uncertainty for new drilling. I'm sorry, that should be "Gulf spill spells uncertainty for new drilling."
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Military Asks For Gay Extensions
Military tells Congress to keep 'gay ban' for now. "They make wonderful sunglasses", claims Joe Biden.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Two Convicted
Jury convicts on 2 charges in Palin e-mail hacking. Obama, Biden say they will appeal.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
"Turncoat" Suddenly Wealthy
Militant Judas, Benedict Arnold, yellow-bellied turncoat leads Iraqis to al-Qaida chiefs says new supreme al-Qaeda leader. "See me later."
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
"We Need To Talk..Eat..Drink A Bit"
Germany, Mexico trying to push climate talks ahead, invite all nations to Octoberfiesta!
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Leaders Face Hard Ships
Greek Prime Minister says more cuts needed for survival. "It may even come down to giving up our favorite boys."
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Guess We Escaped This One
Two Air Force planes to help with oil spill! Will drop a backspill early tomorrow morning.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Looks Like We Have Still Another Genius As Prez!
President Obama: Latest economic growth a sign of recovery!
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Obama: New Oil Leases Will Need Safeguards!
No shit, Einstein. President sounding more and more like George W. Bush every day.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
CEO: Those Recalls Got Us All Screwed Up!
Honda recalls 167,000 Acura TSX cars, then remember that they haven't yet began making that model.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
We Are Ready & Able!
Mississippi Center, County whorehouses preparing to handle oily mammals.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Everybody Pick A Side
Lawsuits target AZ law amid calls for boycotts and boycotts of boycotts which is being protested by girlcotts.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
New Orleans Reassured
FEMA has announced that they will do all they can do to keep the oil slick out of New Orleans, "just as soon as they can finish with this Katrina thing."
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Dutch "Queens Day" passes without incident just a few sore bums and a joint to "COOL" it all down!
Queens Day in Holland was pretty boring after all the excitement of last year after the attempted assassination went PEAR SHAPE. As for the other "Queens" well pretty normal, Gay Parades, BORING!
written by unknown
Another Derby Replacement
The Derby has announced that "Bowlegged Cellmate" will also be pulled from tomorrow's starting gate. He will be replaced by "Jockey Nipper".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Ghost housing estates in Ireland are to be handed over to homeless Leprechauns!
In a desperate attempt to fill up the empty houses in Ireland the government have decided to offer them to 2 million homeless Leprechauns roaming the Irish forests after midnight, pissed on Guiness!
written by unknown
Yankovic #27
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Jizzy Miss Lizzy"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #26
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "She Was A Cow Tipper".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Hooters Almost Closed Down #3
Hooters almost closed down because of whiplash bra snap incident.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Hooters Almost Closed Down #2
Hooters almost closed down after fake tit found in soup.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Hooters Almost Closed Down
Hooters almost closed down because of many lawsuits over customers nearly getting eye poked out when meals delivered.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Once Had Money To Burn
World markets are down ahead of expected Greece fire!
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
There's No Fooling That Petraeus
Petraeus: Tough times ahead for south Afghanistan. Pope is Catholic.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Trouble On Saturn
Giant Buzzard Raging on Saturn! I'm sorry. That should have been 'giant blizzard raging'.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Mideast Peace Talks To Resume
US says Mideast peace talks to resume as soon as it has been determined that the Mayan's were idiots.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Another Derby Withdrawal
"Bollocks Itch" has been taken out of the Derby Saturday. So be sure to scratch "Bollock's Itch".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Candidates Agree
Britain's candidates agree: "There is an election coming up!"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Spending Lacks Vigor
Higher consumer spending in Q1 still lacks vigor, a certain savoir faire, too many, shall we say: "penny-pinching tightasses."
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
School Layoffs
Layoffs possible at many small schools as school bullies told to lay off the nerds or stay home.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Dems Still Following Bill Clinton Example
Poll: Older Americans are down on Democrats. Dems say their elderly mates do it better because of lack of teeth.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Earth To Saturn: Hit The Grocery Stores Quick!
Amateur stargazers help spot blizzard raging on Saturn! Al Gore blames solar system warming.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
O'Brien On Leno
O'Brien: I wouldn't have done what Jay Leno did. I could grow a beard but not a chin that size.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Belgium Tightens Law
Belgium votes to ban burqas, exposed breasts, penis in public.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
New ID Card
National ID card included in Democratic immigration bill. The new "666, Mark Of Satan, Doomed To Hell" cards already being criticized by some radical right-wing groups.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Hooters Girls In Treatment Center With Venereal Disease
One waitress says that it was "because of Burger King and his Whopper."
written by unknown
Hooters Girls In Treatment Center With Venereal Disease
Some of them got it at Joe's Crab Shack
written by unknown
Hooters Almost Closed
Hooters almost closed down for crappy food, food spills, men walking into wall, eye strain.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Or Possibly Not
Arizona Law Enforcement, Country Split on Immigration Crackdown! Leaders of Southern States say they may split from Union.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
How's That Again?
Thai hospital evacuated after being stormed by protesters. Police report several hospitalized.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Oil Slick Getting Hairy
Disaster looms as oil slick reaches US coast. Waterfowl already being treated by Greenpeace. Surfers left to die.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
BP Stock Down
BP shares keep falling amid Gulf oil rig disaster. "It's mudded the waters a bit about the company's future", says CEO.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
American Idol Update
American Idol finalists not looking forward to next weeks "All Yoko Ono Songs".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Airlines Trying Everything To Increase Fees
JetBlue raises the bar on members of the Mile-High Club to "The Jet Blew Club". Passengers up 10%. Viagra sold on all planes at $50 a pill.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Japan Airlines Cuts Number Of Planes, Staff
Japan Airlines has announced that they are cutting back 15%. Monday morning over 300 flyers and their older planes will kamikaze their planes into the pacific Ocean after a brief ceremony.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Twilight Four Director Announced
Bill Condom will direct "The Breaking Wind", the fourth Twilight movie it was announced this morning. I'm sorry, that should be 'Bill Condon' and "The Breaking Dawn".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #25
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Clarabella (Hornblowera) or "The Howdy Doody Clown Rag)"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #24
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Hard Day's Delight"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #23
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Cayenne (The Commode Sitter's Blues)"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #22
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Come Together (Banned In Boston")
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #21
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Carry That Weight, Kirsty Gal"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Mine Experts Agree
Most mining experts say that the #1 reason that coal mines cave in is having weak supports. Also, that coal is black.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Pelicans, Otters Plea For Help
Pelicans, otters along La. shore in path of spill plea for FEMA to save them, the poor doomed bastards.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Bill Still On Whoppers!
Chelsea Clinton admonishes Bill to lose 15 lbs. for her summer wedding. Former President promises to cut down to only three Whoppers a day.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
UFO Was Balloon!
Huge NASA Science Balloon Crashes in Australian Outback. Strangely enough, it was filled with aliens. "We've visited the earth in weather balloons for years", admits leader.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Military Breakthrough
Navy to allow women to serve on U.S. submarines. To be paid well and referred to as "Comfort Ladies".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Man Who Found iPhone Revealed
Man who found - and sold - the missing iPhone unmasked. It is rumored to be someone by the name of "Stan Disk".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Police find body
Belfast police have confirmed the body they found in a garden shed of a man missing for more than 40 years has been identified as Paddy O'Reilly - the former All-Ireland Hide and Seek Champion.
written by Donnie Dogmeat, 30 April 2010
They're Puttin' Up Their Dukes
Steve Jobs is in one corner, Adobe Flash in the other.
written by Gail Farrelly, 30 April 2010
Medium Gets Message From Carl Williams
"You'd think that they'd go all out and purchase a platinum coffin, wouldn't ya."
written by William Marler, 30 April 2010
Elmer Fudd Named New Conservative Spokesperson
Who else can totally get away with referring to Republicans as the 'White Wing?'
written by Charpa93, 30 April 2010
In Case You Missed The Late News
Gulf states a little uneasy over oil slick coming in, as the whole Gulf of Mexico now on fire!
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Stock For 7-11 Stores Jump After Report
California sales of snacks up 100% since approval of medicinal marijauna approved.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
New TV Network
The new "Medicinal Marijuana Network" to use a lot of bright colored movies and cartoons.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
"Me, I Stay Pretty Wet"
Wino on New Orleans street informs police that there may have been some flooding awhile back, as he woke up on his air mattress in Mobile, Alabama.
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #20
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Money Can't Buy Me Love, But Check With Ringo"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #19
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Please Plice Me (Use The Handcuffs)"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #18
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bennies For the Benefit Of Mr. Kite"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #17
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bad To Me (Be Brutal, You Great Unicorn Beast)
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #16
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Saw Her Standing Bare".
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #15
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bargis, You're A Rich Man"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #14
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "And I Love Her other Parts Too"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #13
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Baby, It's Yours"
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
Yankovic #12
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Taste Of Sonny (With Cher).
written by Bureau, 30 April 2010
