"I needed something to distract me" said driver
Male driver so 'souped-out' by the 'great' Cameron et al debate that he reversed his Mercedes C-class through the sidewall of a multi-storey car park.
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
Prime Minister Calls "Pot, Kettle, Black! "
... when he called Mrs Duffy a Bigot. "It's a good job I'm deaf" said Mrs Duffy. David Cameron said "what's a bigot?" Mrs Duffy said just one word "what? "
written by IN SEINE, 29 April 2010
Swansea Police Apprehend Violent Transvestite
Swansea police have apprehended a violent transvestite in the city centre today. It turns out that the man is a Welsh cross-dresser!
written by IN SEINE, 29 April 2010
'Breatharian' Is the World's Slowest Indian
A man who claims to just live off fresh air is to appear in a new documentary called "The World's Slowest Indian" because his metabolism has not moved for over 70 years. He says; "I don't give a shit!"
written by IN SEINE, 29 April 2010
He Is Not Taking the P***
An Indian has not drunk anything for over 70 years. His urethra as completely healed up, through lack of use. He certainly does not get taken short!
written by IN SEINE, 29 April 2010
Indian Claims Not to Have Food or Drink for over 70 Years
An Indian is under medical supervision after claiming that he has not eaten or drank anything for over 70 years. With the cost of living rising as it is, he may have some great money-saving tips.
written by IN SEINE, 29 April 2010
TRIBUTE TO MAX CLIFFORD
Max Clifford - the face that lunched a thousand shits. He can light up a room - simpy by walking out of it. A legend in his own mirror. People like him don't just grow on trees - they swing from them.
written by Donnie Dogmeat, 29 April 2010
99% Illegal Immigrants
Karl Rove Has Reservations With Arizona Law Against Illegal Immigrants. So Do The Indians On The Reservations!
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
It's Certainly Possible
Many asking why Barack Obama wants new immigrant legislation. One possible answer could be -and this is just a guess -5 million new democrat voters.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Legislators Re-think Putting Regulation in Hands of Greedy Wall Street Bankers
They now think it might not have been such a great idea, Einsteins that they are.
written by Charpa93, 29 April 2010
Local Man Wins Beth
Local man Kevin Wanker won his new girlfriend Beth Bumfluff during a pub quiz last night.
"She's lovely for a fat girl", he said.
written by unknown
Cow Dumps over the Moon
Local cow Moovetta laMoo took a nice, wet shit on the Moon as it leaped across it during its regular nightly Moon-jumping adventure.
written by unknown
Local Man thinks he is Gay
Local man Charles Tittyface, 32, has had a big smile on his face ever since he won the lottery and invented a cure for the common cold.
"Lately I have been quiet gay and cheery", he said.
written by unknown
More Americans Drinking Themselves to Death
Says one drinker, "Sure, it's a slow process, but can you think of a better way to go?"
written by Charpa93, 29 April 2010
Local Man has a Fair to Remember
Local man Billy Fatknob had a fun fair in his back yard today. Many people attended and had fun on the bouncy caste, slide and the mysterious 'bucket of shite'. "I will remember this til the day I die", he said. And then he died.
written by unknown
Campaign Targets Meth Use By Indians
National and local news urges Native Americans to return to natural peyote.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Bad Weather Could Mar Oil Spill in Gulf
Many tourists leaving after slick no longer forms the shape of Pope John Paul II.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Spring Surprise
Vermont and New Hampshire caught off-guard with late Spring arrival of ten-foot snow.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
All About Voters
Erections are all about events for voters. I'm sorry, that should be "elections", although the first does apply asshole.....also.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
National Program Rates Neighborhoods' Eco-Friendliness
Bear Wallow, Kentucky neighbors say no to big Windmill. Vote to run and fart on backside every time they get a cramp, drop a load.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Chocolate is better than sex
Scientists at Glasgow University have discovered that women find chocolate more satisfying than sex. So the advice is not to use chocolate sauce in your foreplay.
written by IainB, 29 April 2010
Milk Producers Protest Soy Using Name "Milk"
In a nationwide poll, leading replacement name at 79 percent is "Piss!"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Spain's Credit Drops!
Monetary unit, the "Armada" sinks further overnight.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Massachusetts Wind Farm
The state of Massachusetts has apparently approved the building a Wind Farm. Project passed once it was disguised to Kennedy's as a big "Blow Job".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #11
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Hard Day's Diet".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #10
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All My Lisping".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #9
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "And Your Bird Can Sing (While Mine Just Hangs There).
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Kelly Osborne named as one of the World's Most Beautiful People
Judges David Blunkett, Stevie Wonder and Harvey Price were unavailable for further comment.
written by Bandersnatch, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #8
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All You Need Is A Single-Fingered Glove"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #7
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All Things Must Pass (Even George)"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #6
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Rack Naturally"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #5
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Across The 'Unicorn'"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #4
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Taste Of Horny".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yanlovic #3
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Fart Club Band"
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic #2
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Day In The Wife".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Yankovic's Latest
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Let It Pee".
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Risk Pools Unsafe
Obama health law undercuts risk pools in 35 states. He now asks that owners place signs near pools that state, "Dangerous Undertow possible". GOP orders government to stay out of families home pools.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
New Custer Book
A new book about Custer and all those at "Custer's Last Stand" is out, revealing that although standing, his head was missing when search party arrived.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
"Tiger's Whore" Scratched
"Tiger's Whore" withdrawn from Derby list until owner agrees to change name.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
The Secret Is Out
"Gulf oil spill could help nation to be more aware of oil spills", admits Oil Company CEO.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Bullock's Secret
How Sandra Bullock kept adopted child a secret for five years to be made into a TV movie.
written by Bureau, 29 April 2010
Thirty days hath September
So what? Anyway, nobody says 'hath' anymore.
written by Gail Farrelly, 29 April 2010
Free dictionaries for Rochdale
After Gordon Brown's gaff of calling a Rochdale woman a bigot, it turns out that nobody in Rochdale knew what the word meant. As part of his apology, Brown will send the town a dictionary each.
written by IainB, 29 April 2010
Politicians
The job of a politician is to be (re)elected. Anything that benefits the country or constituents is merely a happy coincidence.
written by IainB, 29 April 2010
Brown doesn't see eye-to-eye with voter
Gordon Brown outrageously called an old woman 'old' and a 'woman'.
written by Coops, 29 April 2010
CCW update
Worshington State requires men over 10 inches must file for a concealed weapon permit.
written by Kevlar, 29 April 2010
"Probably not the best time to ask him about a new car"
'when his blank didn't shoot'
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
"Silver Lining"?
Junkie with heavy bleeding gums and stomach ulcers doesn't need to swap needles
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
and for a summary of the news we go to Brian Robson at LBC
"Ashes to Ashes"; "Dust to Dust" and Urns in Lake Geneva
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
If Gordon Brown earned a dollar for every urn found in Lake Geneva
he would be between $100 and $200 dollars better off
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
"One way ... to earn a living"
dragging up ash-filled urns from Lake Geneva
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
Water is patentable
to the extent that it is patentable subject matter
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
Palin is to Conservative Party Politic
as Winston Churchill was to beaches
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
'If u genuinely know the answer to the meaning of life'
'keep it to yourself'
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
Merlin
just some geezer long past who was merry and lingered too long over his pint of ale
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
'if ur a wimp'
'rejoice' - u will live longer than the high school jocks.
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
'Just think about it'
That your dad's sperm made it to your mother's egg - 'THAT'S WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG'
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
"Mine's a wall-banger Mary"
and on other nights a cool dark Brain's Assay.
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
"Give a little"
"take a little"; "spin a little"; "shave a little" and get fired on your first job.
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
"Twiz Waz"
'a time when life seemed ordinary and nice - like American apple pie'
written by Tcoah, 29 April 2010
Boris Badenov First Arrest Under New AZ Law
Natasha has gone into hiding.
written by Charpa93, 29 April 2010
