Rich man shoves camel through needle's eye
Lucky thing it didn't have to pass through his anal sphincter, because that would have been an even tighter squeeze.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 November 2009
Let's Put Some Seats On It!
Living near a wind farm could seriously damage your health, say researchers. Teens have been using them for a sort of homemade ferris wheel.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Castr Nixes Openess In Cuba
Castro says Cuban system to stay the same with no American influence. "It's worked well for my family for 50 years and the rest of the country? It gives them something to look forward to."
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Veterans Bowls, latest victim of corrupt decisions?!
Yes, even Veterans bowls (average age 98) has been infected by cheating and corruption. In a recent match a 98 was cheating, then mobbed by the other geriatrics and the ref saw nothing he claims!
written by unknown
Can't Recall Words When Drunk
An anthem sung by German football fans has drawn protests from Muslims because of reference to the Prophet Muhammad. Meanwhile, Ireland has objected to German beer song "When Irish Balls Are Smelling"
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
First the FIFA "STEW" the Irish then they discover another 200 footy games were corrupt,
After the Irish drama UEFA/FIFA are investigating 200 other, supposedly corrupt games, what with Afghan elections, MP's expenses and now "Footy" what's left? Game of bowls darling!
written by unknown
Officer Doing Well Now
More on that beer conference earlier in the year. A spokesman says that the reason the police officer there had to be taken to hospital later that night was from pissing on electrified security fence.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Reid On The Senate Floor: Things Looking Up
Harry Reid reports that the Senate is stalling some on healthcare plans but he personally believes things overall are looking up. "Especially after getting brained by a republican's shoe!"
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
New Piss Machine Delivered
Astronauts deliver new piss machine to space station. Water will now have less salty, pissy flavor.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Raid On Fat Farm
Four people have been arrested in Peru on suspicion of killing dozens of people in order to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic uses in Europe. Claim 8oo-900 pounders would have died soon anyway.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Tamiflu Resistant Swine Flu Confirmed
Health officials have confirmed the person-to-person spread of a Tamiflu-resistant strain of swine flu. Will attempt to attack it with Damiflu.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Italian Rattlesnake Doing OK
A Brazilian transsexual named in a sex scandal involving a former Italian politician is believed to have been killed by one of 50 rattlesnakes that had somehow gotten into her Rome apartment.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Iran Dismisses Deal
The six major powers negotiating with Iran over its nuclear programme have said they are disappointed with Iran's response to an offer of a deal to arm them with the latest non-nuclear weapons.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Climate Research Computers Hacked
The e-mail system of one of the world's leading climate research units has been breached by hackers as "throw your trash out car windows, shit in the river" e-mails popping up everywhere.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
EU Rewards Nigeria
The European Commission has signed a $1bn (£602m) development pact with Nigeria, aimed at tackling corruption, promoting peace and a promise of no more e-mails.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
More Good News!
Scientists today announced that they have discovered that one's own stem cells can cause your stem to grow a whole two inches. I'm sorry, that was an e-mail.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
"Taco Message, Agent Child!"
Newly released book shows that Julia Child was a master spy for US during World War II. Apparently smuggled many secrets hidden in her special taco.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Americans Getting Older
Advanced 2010 US Census group say that Americans are getting older on average. "Everyone we interviewed in 2000 is ten years older", say census experts.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
New Fun-Sized Icebergs
Giant iceberg spotted this summer had shrunk to a smaller iceberg and now laughable little ice cubes that many boats ram into for the fun of it.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Mice Sing Serenades
Scientists say male mice serenade females! Number one singer: "Old Dirty Rat".
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Honesty Classes Over!
White House Honesty Classes completed successfully as entire staff certified "100% honest as the day is night."
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Greenpeace Poll
New study shows that the average member of Greenpeach have been atomic wedgied, depantsings average of five times.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
US Hit Hard
Swine Flu now second leading disease in the US, behind trade deficiency disorder.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Clubs Get New Taxes
Clubs in US, Britain with nude dancers to be taxed extra over obscene profits.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
French Smiling Lately
French government orders French people to forget haughtiness until recession is over.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With Young Student
Teacher, 65, jailed for having sex with girl, 16, during extra maths, sex education lessons.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Grandmother Jailed
Grandmother jailed for ordering kidnap and torture of son-in-law over unpaid £25,000 dowry, walks out on bail. Right into the path of a passing bus.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Vandal Walks Free
Vandal who let down ambulance tyres while girl, 2, was being treated, walks free from court, right into the path of a passing bus.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
45 Years Working With Only One Day Off
Father and son worked for 45 YEARS without a day off (apart from Christmas). Will only admit, "It's a night job mostly, but Junior spends some days spotting houses."
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Guide Dog Replaced
Blind woman tells of terrifying moment a pit bull savaged her guide dog. Orders a guide cougar, hoping pit bull will attack again.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Balls Steps On Himself Again
Balls To That: GCSE quiz backfires on Balls as he makes 'schoolboy error' trying to outwit Tory shadow.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Sleepwalker Freed
Husband who strangled wife in his sleep after stopping his medication walks free from court, into the path of a passing bus.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Giant's Ace Beats Obama
Giants ace Lincecum wins second straight Cy Young Award, narrowly beating out President Obama throwing out the season's first pitch.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
By Presidential Order
U.S. Army to prevent media from covering Sarah Palin's appearance at Fort Bragg, fearing the event will turn into political truth against President Obama, officials said they were ordered Thursday.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
South The Fattest
US survey shows southern states are most obese. Released gases could be adding to global warming. "South Gonna Rise Again" proving true.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Glitch Creates Travel Woes
Glitch snarls air traffic in latest woes for FAA. Hopes are that next month, Glitch Won't Steal Christmas!
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Thar She Goes! Blows!
End of an era: Oprah ending show after 25 years. Will begin entirely new career as Food Critic.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
A Must Read Before Next Elections
Stories that changed the world! New book tells of the number of stories politicians made during campaigns.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
North Pole Heading South
Volunteers strive to save Santa letter service, Santa & reindeer, toys from floating iceberg.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Tobacco Companies To Pay Up
A South Florida jury ordered Philip Morris USA to pay $300 million to a former smoker, agreeing that the tobacco company's negligence was the cause of her emphysema. Tobacco costs raised to cover it.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Fat Helps Elderly
A few extra pounds may help elderly live longer. So eat, drink, take pills and be merry!
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Networks At Odds
Fox News again accused of airing misleading video while three networks continue the Obama Half Hour Show that no one watches.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Three New Crocs
3 new ancient crocodile species fossils found, say scientists, trying to cheer everyone out of depression. Not working so far.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Hired Only One Company To Produce Vaccines
Shortage of swine flu vaccines continues to plague health offices as nation explains, "We only had 12 months to prepare."
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Mammouth dung key to stink shun
They stunk so bad, they became extinct cause of all the stink and the mama mammoths didn't like the daddy mammoths cause they stink like dung stink. So they shun them exstinkers.
written by Aspartame Boy, 20 November 2009
Kim Still #1
North Korea's Kim Jong Il still voted world's craziest leader after wearing duck outfit for a week and answering everyone's questions with a loud, "AFLACK!!
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Generic Prozac, It's a Hit!
New generic Prozac just as goody, just as goody goo, and ten times cheaper, peeper deeper deeper dooo. Whaaaaaat's UuuuuPPP!!!
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Not Shy Like The Horse
It has been reported that Prince Charles has been thrown from his horse a short while ago but is OK as he landed on Camilla's big rump. Immediately kept riding.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Always Thought It Was Suspicious
Texas man who brought in a huge sack lunch each day because he said he was a big eater, accused of smuggling in illegal aliens.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
Toga! Toga! Toga!
95-Year-Old Canadian woman becomes oldest to earn masters degree. Finally admits that for the last 31 years, it was for the keg parties.
written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
NEWSPEAK All Over Again
George Orwell's Big Brother was a civil libertarian when it comes to NEWSPEAK! The United Nations and the Democratic far left wing loons generate the most outrageous mendacious gobbledygook NEWSPEAK.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Lack of Carbon Dioxide (CO2)
Economists were puzzled as to how California & New Jersey can go from being prosperous to being debtors, in a few decades. A new scientific study suggests that removing CO2 from the air is the cause.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
No Waste
San Francisco is to ban toilets in new construction public office buildings after 2011. The city council felt that politicians residing in this city should use the new green compost containers!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Just Trying to be Helpful Ma'am
A new mammogram and women's health study finds that women don't have to do as many physical breast examinations anymore. To which many men's groups have volunteered to pick up the slack!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Item Left Off the Jobs Created Web Page
The City Council of Pizmo Beach Pennsyltucky thanks the Obama Administration for the $1.98 provided in stimulus money. The town was able to create or save 200 jobs!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Ethics
A prominent Madison Avenue public relations firm has refused to take on House Speaker Pelosi as a client. A spokesman for the firm said "even company's like ours have some ethical standards!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Animals
Animal rights groups indicate that terrorists, who blow up innocent civilians, should be treated like rabid animals!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Listen to your Mummy
Congress told the food police that new signs will be posted in fast food restaurants. The placards are "Egyptian mummies got heart disease 4000 years ago, so don't worry about what you are eating."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
