Stimulus package saves or creates one million jobs, then eliminates them
A government spokesman said last Tuesday "The soaring unemployment rate is proof that the package expanded the number of jobs available for people to be laid off from."
written by Jeff Brone, 19 November 2009
US Gets Revenge
US recalls all money sent to China. Waited until Obama had left. Money apparently has lead in fibers.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Sotomayor Doing Fine
Supreme court member Sotomayor says that being new new kid on the block is going fine. "I'm the one who answers the door if anyone comes in. No one in the first three months. Already used to snoring."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Heavy Drinking Study
New US study completed as doctors determine that heavy drinking 'can double your risk of cancer, vision and fatherhood.'
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Putin Pumpin' Iron
Russian photographer & film maker says next macho Putin video will show the former Russian President lifting a 75 pound weight with an erection.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
You Can't Sit Down
After veterinarians using stem cells to treat animals allow dog to grow grown it's balls back, wounded Vet volunteers. "With my luck, they'll grow back on my ass", say Army Sarge.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Salmon Back In Paree
Wild salmon are returning to the French capital for the first time since 1940, scientists say. "They still seem to be on the lookout for German Panzer divisions."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
He Actually Believes Himself!
Tipper Gore says that her husband, Al, has gone off the deep in and is building an ark on Mount Leconte.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Would Unite Us All!
Officials see rise in militia groups across U.S. Several are asking Sarah Palin to ride naked across the South and West on a horse!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
E. Kentucky Couple Celebrate Big Day!
Eastern Kentucky couple, 20, celebrate their second set of twins, seventh anniversary on the same day!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Had It Half Right
Archeologists say they have found proof that ancient man did pull women by hair to cave but that once inside, he made her pull him.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
But Still 90% Fat-For-Free!
Burger King Restaurants have announced that due to health concerns, all their pork burgers will be fried in water.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Vicks May Vaporize!
Vick's Vapor Rub say they may go belly-up! "Our sales are down over 50% since the news came out about that former Atlanta Falcon's Quarterback!"
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
I Feel Your Pain!
In a new bin Laden video, he seems reluctant to attack President Obama. Then in the background, someone spotted Laden's wife coming out of the cave, with her mother!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Russia ban death penalty but re-open Stalags!
Russia humanely banned the death penalty but promised to sent their hardcore criminals to freeze their butts off in the Siberain Stalags, "it's cheaper they say," no electricity needed!
written by Jaggedone, 19 November 2009
Slimy handed Henry robs the Irish and Platini says "merci beaucoup!"
Crooked Henry and his Les Tricolores shag the Irish so unfairly! God and the world saw it, the bent REf didn't. How crooked is the FIFA/UEFA? tres crooked Les Messieurs Platini et Co!
written by Jaggedone, 19 November 2009
They ARE Head Butts!
A new study shows that many NFL football players as well as some in other sports are not admitting to suffering concussions, even after acting strange. Hollywood, politicians can't use that excuse.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Cracks In Washington
Cracks in our leaders in Washington are beginning to show as Pelosi loses temper, Reid whining about getting Senate votes and Joe Biden's pants riding down.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Exams In Iran
Iranian doctors say that those working with nuclear energy are doing fine, in a glowing report.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
And Now For Tonight's Highlight...
A step too far? Epileptic induces seizures in front of live audience in the name of art, sickens several with terrific bowel movement.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Afghan Troops To Take Charge
Karzai vows Afghan troops will take control of security in five years as he's sworn in for four.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Like On The Hudson In NYC
'Heart-throb' pilot Dominic James hailed a hero after dramatic plane landing in shark-infested waters. Greenpeace says he missed every single precious shark.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
The Waiting Game
Oil tankers refuse to unload until prices rise, keeping fuel costs soaring. Hookers, pickpockets also keeping off streets until tourists arrive.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Dollar Stomped On Again
Obama shocked in China after purchasing two gifts for girls using Chinese money, given $10,000 in US dollars as change.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Kate Moss Advise For Sticks
Model Kate Moss has been criticised by campaigners after saying she lives by a slogan which encourages people with anorexia not to eat, even after small window fan on bus blows her to the back.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Star Trek Phasers Here
Scientists have shown off an effect not unlike that of the "phasers" in the show Star Trek - but it only works on tiny worms called nematodes..from the planet, Nematodis.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
US Army Blamed
US judge has ruled that negligence by US army engineers led to massive flooding in New Orleans as Hurricane Katrina struck in 2005. "Army should have had soldiers guarding against hurricane invasion."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Rissia's Ban On Death Penalty Continues
Russia's ban on the death penalty will remain when a current legal suspension expires on 1 January, the country's Constitutional Court has ruled. Instead, 100 years of hard labor in Siberia still on.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
EU To Select Leader Soon!
European Union leaders will gather in Brussels later to select their first full-time president and foreign affairs high representative. Ringo Starr withdraws Name!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Diva Mariah Carey demands twenty white kittens
She'll have to make do with sandwiches and mineral water like everyone else, says tour manager.
written by Thibarine, 19 November 2009
Eating More Beans Won't Help Ecology, Obama!
The Fed is foolishly weakening the dollar say the Underfed, Poor affected most as the price of groceries continue to climb!!!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Depp Sexiest Man
Johnny Depp named People's "sexiest man alive". John Kennedy Jr. still "Sexiest Man Dead".
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Michael Jackson In Denial Over drugs
Janet Jackson: Michael in denial over drug problem. Well, not anymore.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Nicole Rickie Hospitalized
Nicole Richie is hospitalized for pneumonia. Kayne takes away bedpan until she listens to him tell about Beyonce video.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Get Off Couch Sometimes
California requires TVs, TV watchers to be more energy-efficient.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Big Bother Is Watching
UN: Fight climate change with free condoms, more oversight to make sure they are properly placed on penis.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
I Know Why The Caged Chicken Pecks
Researchers ask: Are caged chickens miserable? No response from chickens so far, although Parrot says they're all "crackers".
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Oil Signs Mixed
Price of oil falls below $79, goes above $79 amid mixed economic signs.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Palin Book 2Million Bound!
President advisers embarrassed that Sarah Palin book may pass that of the President, after all the ordered TV news putdowns.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
India Investigates Your Traffic Ticket
Chicago terror suspects investigated in India as CIA begins "Outsourcing" investigations also.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Word Of The Year
No rebuke for 'admonish,' 2009 Word of the Year. "Gloom" comes in second. "Doom" finishes a close third.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
No Answers Coming
Popular Santa letter program ends in Alaska from lack of elves, laid off because of the economy.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Swine Flu Radical Measures?
Experts say radical measures, like the creation of Swine Flu Colonies, won't stop swine flu!
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Czar, She Blows!
Fraud in government contracts for disabled vets as President names new overseers to oversee the overseers.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Mayberry, Hooterville Got $400,000 Each!
Stimulus money to phantom districts? Town of Bugtustle in Tennessee got $500,000 in stimulus money, but that was on TV's Green Acres. Where did the money go?
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Floods Cost Feds
Negligence ruling in Katrina floods may cost feds, who will pass it along in to you.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Why Hate?
Why do we hate? Academics seek answer in new field as they begin by arguing over who gets what chair.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
"I'm Getting Myself In Shape"
Jobless benefits could end for many in January as those laid off ask for another two to three years.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Obama Meets Half brother
Obama says he met with half brother while in China. "They seem to pop up everywhere says the President."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Right To Hang Laundry
U.S. residents fight for the right to hang laundry, let children play in their yard, plants flowers.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Senate Girds For Battle
Senate girds for historic debate on health bill, especially girding themselves with adult diapers for filibuster.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Iran Sanctions
Obama says US, allies discussing Iran sanctions and how they can encourage Israel to blow up nuclear facilities and then condemn them for it.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Karzai Sworn In, At
Karzai sworn in as Afghan leader, vows to fight graft, beginning with himself and his administration.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Bernanke announces top ten new ways to stimulate the economy
The number one way is to outlaw aspartame.
written by Aspartame Boy, 19 November 2009
As old as time? Aspartame disease plagued Pharaoh's court
FDA cleared of wrongdoing as they assert that aspartame disease is actually 3700 years old.
written by Aspartame Boy, 19 November 2009
Actors of 'Lost' and 'Prisoner' join to perform 'Lost Prisoner' on TV
The female lead wise-quacked, "I want more six".
written by Aspartame Boy, 19 November 2009
Chinese warned against keeing US dollars
They were reminded that Federal Reserve notes are all just loans and have no cash metal value. Further, due to problems with Chinese imports, the notes have all been recalled.
written by Aspartame Boy, 19 November 2009
IBM cat-computer goes rogue after killing a cat
Not only is the computer smarter than the cat it was tested against, the cat was killed by the cat-computer which then annoucned,
"I'M GOING ROGUE"
written by Aspartame Boy, 19 November 2009
New Sneaky Poll
Latest Poll says 90% of the population say they are sick and tired of being called about their opinions. However, nearly 75% of those called used curse words, which is what we were after.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
The Good Burglars
Paedophile jailed after burglars with a conscience tip off police about child abuse pictures on stolen laptop. "Those people are the dregs of society", stated one from his cell.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Stuck A Stupid Spoon In My Mouth
Former VP Cheney says that George Bush went against his requests in the last year of his Presidency. "Plus I had a heart attack in his office and he kept trying to keep me from swallowing my tongue.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
OCD Sometimes Only An Excuse
Some obsessions, compulsions not part of OCD say specialists.
Some are the plain old DT's from being an alcoholic who crave a drink and become obsessed about it.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Bipolar Bear Being Studied
Bipolar bear confusing scientists as one minute he's grabbing seal out of water, the next it's cuddling it in it's arms.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Teen Depression Coming
A government-appointed medical panel is urging doctors to routinely screen all American teens for depression. "It's coming within a year. We need to know how they'll handle it."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Best Jogging Speed
For you joggers, the exact speed you need has been calculated:
Exactly twelve feet in front of guy carrying the knife in the park.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
No Hard Questions Again
Republicans: Those Chinese students that questioned Obama were his supporters during the last election.
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Lots Of Rumbling Underground
Los Alamos Nuclear Weapons storage computers hacked overnight.
"All we know is that that space escalator better work."
written by Bureau, 19 November 2009
Britain To Be Renamed.
As unlikely as it may seem,the inevitable has finally happened. The Muslim influence has got a foothold and now a new name for their new country. "New Arabia" The name will take effect Nov 11th 2011.
written by OIF2Sniper, 19 November 2009
