O'Leary Bonds With Jacko
Dermot O'Leary has revealed that he "bonded" with Michael Jackson during the singer's appearance in London earlier this week. "I stood a little too close to him and stuck to the embalming fluid!".
written by Mrs Kensington, 08 March 2009
Britney's Confession
Britney Spears, all ready to go on the Circus Show, cleared up one thing this morning when she stated, "I didn't mean to show my crotch in that snapshot, I was all set to moon the
paparazzi.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Bone Gone Missing
A Bowling Green, Kentucky woman has found a big bone in her boyfriends bag of popcorn at the theater. But when she picked the bag up and took it to show the front counter, the bone was missing.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Cheney Helping Environment
According to former VP Cheney, aquatic animals that feed on lake and stream bottom sediments burp out a potent greenhouse gas. So the dynamite found in his fishing gear was to help the environment.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
The Wal-Mart & Jack-In-The-Box Deal
Wal-Mart and Jack-In-The-Box have signed an agreement that will place the popular restaurant in the back of all Wal-Mart stores. The restaurant will be called Jack-In-The-Back
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
The Declining Egyptian Camels
A report by The Egyptian Agriculture Department reports that there is a shortage of camels. The report went on to say that there are still plenty of Marlboro's, Salems, and Pall Malls.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
The Damn Good Lemonade Business
A bank teller in Beverly Hills who was laid off has opened up a lemonade stand in his front yard. His lemondade is priced at $15,000 per glass. The first day he made $30,000.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
Overpaid Experts
Federal energy experts report that if you sell your home and buy a smaller one, your heating and cooling bills will go down. Okay, these fellas definitely need to give some of their salary back.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
Jolie On Bailout?
Wall Street received a small boost Friday after congressional leaders asked Angelina Jolie if she would like to adopt a couple cute of banks.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Please Pass Me The Parmesan
The popular Japanese pizza chain, Emperor's Pizza has opened up it's first U.S. restaurant in Seattle. The pizza is very good. The only downside is that you have to eat the pizza with chopsticks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
Please Be Seated!
Proclaiming all airline's agents idiots, 355-pound Alice Gillespie shook her tickets. "It's bad enough to purchase 2 seats, would you please go tell the head idiot that these two are not together."
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Obama Still Learning White House
President Obama hasn't gotten used to the White House yet. On his way into the Oval Office he tried to open the wrong door. There he met George Bush who was trying to get to his bathroom in Dallas.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Are You Ready For Some "Whatever That Is?"
Due to the present worsening economy, a spokesman for next year's NFL Super Bowl has announced that the halftime show will be featuring Pat Boone.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Mother Of Eight Confesses
The woman in California who gave birth to eight babies has confessed to the National Enquirer that she only has six breasts.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
"Daylight Come & Me Wanta Go Home"
One faux pas has already occurred as a group of U.S. Reps who were the first to meet five Taliban leaders, brought them bananas, apparently misunderstanding the old Calypso song, "Tally me bananas".
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Obama Getting More Respect From Leaders
President Obama has installed a huge document framed and placed behind him at his desk so all can see who enter. It's a huge copy of an Income Tax Form. Many political leaders leaving badly shaken.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
PM Condemns Attack In N. Ireland
Prime Minister Brown has condemned an attack on an army base in Northern Ireland which killed 2 soldiers. "Not good" stated the PM. "I hereby condemn it. Consider the whole situation as 'condemned'."
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
When Will Economy Bottom Out?
Many Americans are asking, when economy bottoms out, how will we know? According to today's sermon by Jeremiah Wright, you'll be seeing fewer and fewer chickens roosting.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Madoff To Face Swindled Investers
Bernie Madoff will face investors this week in the courtroom. Crowds with ropes and horses, tar and feathers, pins and dolls will also be waiting outside.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
GOP Considering Future
There's a tussle over the GOP leadership and the party's future path as Limbaugh, Hannity say staying in the middle of the road will only get your ass ran over.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
T.O In Buffalo
Terrell Owens has signed with the Buffalo Bills who signed Owens to a $6.5 million, one-year deal Saturday. Monday he'll shuffle off to Buffalo and draw a penalty for excessive end zone celebration.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Obama Reaches out, Loses Hand
President Obama: US should reach out to Taliban moderates, serial killer moderates and suicide bomber moderates. "We all have our bad days."
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Bookkeepe Embezzles 10 Million
A former bookkeeper embezzled $9.9 million, forcing company layoffs as she bought 400 pairs of shoes, a crystal chandelier and a plasma television, all this without being in politics, puzzles police.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
700 Aply For Janitor One Job
Evidence of the slumping economy is stacking up at an Ohio school which now has 700 applications for one open janitorial job. The superintendent has said that he will check names with Joe the Plumber.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Obama Finds Three Who Paid Taxes
President Obama has chosen three people to join the senior ranks of the Treasury Department, where a slow pace of hiring, ten being excused for tax evasion, has put the agency on the defensive.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Marshals mace Malay melee
Rioters screaming in English were maced today when police could not understand that they were saying only good things. Rioters were not surprised.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
RBS set to announce Amero converion rates Monday
The Royal Bank of Screw will announce the screwing of America Monday when it announces the exchange rates to be inaugurated for the Amero.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
Air Force launches Earth Hunting missle into orbit
They actually know where the Earth is. The real reason for the expense is to for the Air Force to spy on the Army football team. They want the play-book.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
Monkeys turn violent after drinking diet soda
Recent news about monkey violence has been traced back to diet soda. It seems while monkeys handle the methanol bettor than humans, it makes them act out horrendously. The FDA is concerned.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
Peso and US and CAN dollars to peg to Amero
Mexico will find a bonanza when its Peso buys up goods at the same pace as the US dollar, starting April 1, 2009. US exports are expected to multiply, saving the economy.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
Amero to replace Peso, US Dollar and CAN Dollar
On April 1, 2009, all debts and currency will convert. One Peso or Dollar from US of CAN will get you a brand new Amero.
Hard currency will be very limited, in efforts to stem illegal activities.
written by Aspartame Boy, 08 March 2009
Nuther Dylan Bootleg
Although a brand new CD will be released by Bob Dylan in April, still another collection of "Bootleg Tapes" will hit the market in June. The working title is "The Very Best Of Bob In The Shower".
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Afghan War Going Badly
Barack Obama stated that United States troops were not doing so well in Afghanistan. "Today," stated the President, "we began 'Operation Alamo'."
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Eight Paintings Returned
Dutch officials say they have recovered eight paintings by artists, including Pissarro and Renoir, that have been missing since 1987. We especially missed the "Dogs Playing Poker" stated one official.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
Orwell, Ya Missed It!
Cell phone cameras, YouTube and shallow morals. Sweet jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick. Everybody - we are our own Big Brother!
written by Mr. Lizard, 08 March 2009
Taliban Is Worse?
United States Armed forces say Afghanistan is riddled with bribery, corruption, killers and treat women as less than animals. "They need to forget all that and help us get rid of that awful Taliban.
written by Bureau, 08 March 2009
