Algerian chemist found guilty in British court of urine contamination
The jury heard how he had watered his urine down with American beer
written by Roy Turse, 03 March 2009
Bishop Apologizes
The holocaust-denying bishop has apologized for his statement. Claims he was only testing to see if anyone ever listened to him anymore.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Human Footprint In Stone
A million and a half year old human footprint found in stone proves early human beings wore toe rings.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Urgent Warning!
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of many, bought our 'Easy Sky Diving' book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
written by IN SEINE, 03 March 2009
New Wheelbarrow Loaders, Mechanics Hired
Some sixty people have already gotten jobs today from the new stimulus package. These will be bringing money from the U.S. Mint in wheelbarrows.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Three-Story Outhouse Collapses
A collapsed three-story outhouse has trapped six people in Arkansas. Rescuers have refused to look for survivors. Dogs ran away with tails between legs. Two that have escaped look like the Thing.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Palestinian/Israeli Peace Talks Break Down
Netanyahu caught twittering.
written by Mr. Lizard, 03 March 2009
Michael Jackson to make comeback
Michael Jackson is to make a comeback. Children and parents everywhere are worried.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 03 March 2009
McDonalds To Honor The New "First Kiddoes"
McDonald's announces that in honor of President Obama's two little girls they'll be naming two new menu items after Sasha and Malia. The new items are The McSasha McSalad and The McMalia McMenudo.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Iran Is Pissed Off At "The Wrestler"
Iran is upset with a scene in the Wrestler in which Mickey Rourke disrespects the Iranian flag. They say if he does not apologize they'll kidnap him and put him in a scissors hold for six years.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Dunkin' Donut Holes To Change
Dunkin' Donuts announces that in an effort to cut its loses, it will be making the holes in their donuts bigger.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Subway's New "Bachelor" Sandwich
Subway announces a new sandwich in honor of Jason Mesnick, the Bachelor. The new menu item called The Mesnick Mouthful will consist of two slices of white bread with 34 slices of ham between them.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Renee Zellweger's New Amazing Movie
Renee Zellweger, ex-wife of Kenny Chesney, has just signed on to star in HBO's Just Four Months of Wedded Bliss - The Kenny Chesney Story.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Man questioned over 1972 murders
If found guilty, he will take the world record currently held by Harold Shipman.
written by Roy Turse, 03 March 2009
Rascals Gets Caught
Police blame the high winds in Miami that went north causing the massive snows up the coast of causing a fourteen Rascal, five shopping cart pile-up outside a WalMart there Sunday.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Romney Over Palin
The Conservative Political Action Committee has chosen Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in a straw poll for the next president, although Palin won easily in the straw stack.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
FDA Approves Sleeping Aid
The FDA has approved a new sleeping pill called the Chavez. This product is so powerful, that leaving the wide mouth jar open can cause drowsiness to people standing nearby.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 March 2009
Republican's Anniversary
It was this very week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded. "We were a small but loyal group, standing up against big government", says John McCain, one of the original organizers.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Blagojevich Claims Mandela, Gandhi
Former Illinois Governor, Blagojevich has compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi. Today, that thing on his head entered the 20th day of it's hunger strike.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Man Who Crashed Lawn Chair , OK
In New York City, a man in a lawn chair and deflated balloons was pulled from the Hudson River safe but badly shaken. Witnesses say a flock of geese flew into his helium balloons.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Torture In U.S. Banned
President Obama has signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. In response, The View will go off the air by April first.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Illegal belt-tighteners arrested at the Mexican border
Border police state that the group was headed to Kentucky, where professional belt-tighteners are much sought after and considered the "must have" accessory during these recessionary times.
written by the Fibber, 03 March 2009
Stimulus Bill May Pass By 2012
In response to President Obama trying to pass his stimulus package, Republican Mitch McConnell has delegated ten of the slowest Southern speakers to begin reading the 2000 plus page bill aloud.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Al-Qaida Attacks Obama
Al-Qaida has just released a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names that would cause Rush Limbaugh to blush.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Iraqi Detainees Falling
The United States military says number of Iraqi detainees falling, and can't get up. Some say it's because of 40 years of awaiting trials.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Octomum's Guppy gives birth to 252
Like mother,like fish. Fertie, the guppy, yesterday added 252 small fry to her already sizable clan. PETA is outraged and plans protest, while the media speculates on the mystery sperm donor.
written by the Fibber, 03 March 2009
Cricket Team Attacked
In Islamabad, Pakistan, gunmen have attacked a visiting Sri Lankan Cricket team, by Jiminy.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Hillary Sending Envoys
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. will dispatch two envoys to Syria for "preliminary conversations."
The actual conversations will occur later.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
London 2012 Olympics
In a bid to outdo the Chinese, the London Olympics in 2012 will take place in a completely edible stadium. Spectators at the closing ceremony will be provided with forks.
written by IainB, 03 March 2009
Playtex Fashion Show cancelled
The Playtex Bra Fashion show scheduled for Paris later this month has been cancelled due a lack of support.
written by IainB, 03 March 2009
Room temperature
Scientists have concocted the most dangerous explosive in the world. It is highly unstable at room temperature, and is therefore kept in a box.
written by IainB, 03 March 2009
University Challenge furore
Bosses at the BBC have disqualified Oxford, and awarded the University Challenge cup to Manchester after it was revealed that Oxford captain was a ringer called Stephen Fry, who is not a student.
written by IainB, 03 March 2009
Southwet Airlines to offer all the beer you can drink
The special promotion is a limited time offer. The beer will be paid for by special in-flight auctions of bathroom tokens. A limited supply of diapers will also be actioned off.
written by Aspartame Boy, 03 March 2009
Kindergarten Odds Fall To 3 to 1
A study has shown that impulsive kindergartners may become compulsive gamblers. Next the group will focus on the theory that T-ballers will grow up to become drug cartel kingpins.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Barry BBBBBonds!
Barry Bonds is tired of all of the steroid charges and countercharges. He says he is selling his house and moving to the North Pole where he says he will manufacture pre-fabricated snowmen.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
You Can't See The Trees For The Forest
California's "Save Our Trees" rally has been cancelled due to the forest fire.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
The Book By Monica "CigarGirl" Lewinsky
Reports are that ex-Clinton intern, Monica Lewinsky will soon be publishing her autobiography entitled, MoLe - From Knee Pads to Peter Piper Pizzas to Cuban Cigars to My Ass Out The Door.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Visit The Grand Canyon Parking Lot
And now the Palestinians want the U.S. to give them a $2.8 billion bailout to help repair Gaza. Rumors now circulating say Arizona wants a $1.7 billion bailout to fill the Grand Canyon with concrete.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
The Much Unawaited Paris Hilton Tell-All Book
Paris Hilton states that she will be writing a tell-all book. An insider says it will consist of three pages filled with the phrase, "I'm hot."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Rush Limbaugh To Lead The GOP...To Where? Hell?
A lot of Republicans want Rush Limbaugh to be the leader of the GOP...and the sounds you just heard are the sounds of thousands of toilets being flushed.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Designer Babies Coming Soon To A Clinic Near You.
Fertility clinic in San Francisco offers parents chance to select eye, hair color, gay, straight, 40-inch boobs, ten inch penis.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
New Human/Hybrid Embryo
The results of a new human/animal hybrid embryo will soon be displayed in New York City by a Doctor Moreau, on the Fox Network.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Room Temps At All Time High
Al Gore states that temperatures in room with Bill and Hillary Clinton and big racked bimbo has reached an all-time high.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Author Admits Work Is Fiction
Mystery writer of impossible crime novels and locked door mysteries admits on Oprah that 90 percent of his stories are complete fabrications.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Granny Clampett Stoned
Granny Clampett of Beverly Hills in Los Angeles, arrested for smoking pot after going completely off her rocker.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Window Washer Injured
A fallen New York City window washer said to still be in some
pane as firefighters rescue squad on the way to the scene.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Cellmate Objects
Dallas, Texas man who raped five men being sentenced to Texas State Prison being objected to by cellmate.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
Runoffs Eliminate
A new bill to eliminate runoffs has passed both the United States Senate and House bathrooms.
written by Bureau, 03 March 2009
