Kanye West - One of 14 American Idol Finalists
Kanye West appeared as a featured guest on "American Idol." But judging by his performance, it is a wonder that judge Simon Cowell didn't tell him that he had been eliminated from the competition.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Bernard "None For You, All For Me" Madoff Update
Bernard Madoff has pleaded guilty and has been remanded to jail. He was placed in solitary confinement because jail officials fear he may steal things belonging to the other inmates.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The New Bacon & Eggs Meal Deal
A farmer in Wichita, Kansas has successfully crossed a chicken with a pig. He says that the animal is known as a pigen and it lays eggs that taste just like bacon.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
Amy Winehouse Has A Crush On Joaquin Phoenix
Amy Winehouse wants to record a song with Joaquin Phoenix. Phoenix reportedly told his manager, "If the bitch gets anywhere near me I swear that I will bite off all of her 29 tattoos."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Gall of Texas Governor Rick "I'm A Rich Bitch" Perry'
Texas Governor Rick Perry rejected $555 million in Federal stimulus money for unemployment benefits. He was last seen running towards the Mexican border with 34,000 jobless people chasing his GOP ass.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
Zombies Dead Again
Fifteen local zombies in New Orleans die once again after attacking visiting politician with shit for brains.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Friendly Little Town
Welcome Wagon brings gifts, candy, discount coupons good at town shopping district to stranger knocking on door with feet on Welcome mat, waiting to serve a warrant for arrest.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Robber Claims Birthmarks
David "Little Davy" Gaskey claims bank dye on right hand and right side of his face are birthmarks at court today in Little Cock, Arkansas.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Bums Cast Vote, Puke For McCain
Poll: Most street people and alcoholic bums voted for McCain after Obama announced he would create millions of new jobs.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Don't Make Mullah Mad
Amir Denush, an Iranian cab driver, has been convicted of double parking and will receive 39 lashes, severely fined and placed in prison for three years.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Just Tell The Osmonds
An obese Mormon in Bloomington, Utah has been discovered eating the very last can of food of three-week supply that had been put up for entire neighborhood in case of a national emergency.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Zombies Can't Sleep With Him Practicing
The ghost of Evel Knievel is planning to jump his bike over a large cemetery in New Orleans, Louisiana come this Halloween.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Scientist Discovers Remedy
A scientist in Maggody, Arkansas, discovers that three heaping helpings of sweet potato pie is a sure cure for the hungries!
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Dogs Well Trained
Several bomb-sniffing dogs show up at local theaters showing Steve Martin in The Pink Panther, all across the country.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
98-Year-Old Forced To Celebrate
98-year-old resident of a Bloomfield, Indiana nursing facilities celebrates with birthday cake, clown and balloons whether he wants to or not.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
B&N's Missing Books
A NYC Barnes And Noble has announced that over 100 "Self-Help" books have gone missing. They theorize that a big group of Japanese tourists yesterday misunderstood their sign and helped themselves.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Changing Climate Change Challenging
Despite years of study and analysis, the world is unprepared for climate change and needs to rethink basic assumption, "Is it hot in here or is it me?" the National Research Council reports.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Judge Throws Book
An Iraqi judge has thrown the book at the Iraqi reporter who threw shoes at former President Bush and has been jailed for 3 years.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Household Net Drops
The Federal Reserve said Thursday that household net worth dropped by a record 9 percent from the level in the third quarter, even more for fishermen who depend on the nets for a living.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Bong Misses Space Station
The crew of the international space station survived a
close call with space junk, a bong from a someone really high, Thursday, and took refuge in the Soyuz escape capsule until told it was safe.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Lawyers Battle Police
Pakistani police clashed on Thursday with black-suited lawyers and opposition activists after the launch of a countrywide protest rally in defiance of government changes. Today, CPA's will join them.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Punishment Fits the Crime
In an eleventh hour ruling the judge in the Bernie Madoff case decreed that Madoff be stripped of all I.D. & money,& left in an alley with a sign that reads "Will drop pants and bend over for food."
written by Mr. Lizard, 12 March 2009
The Silliest Hip-Hop Artist of All-Time
Joaquin Phoenix was on stage in Miami Beach performing his hip-hop act when an audience member began heckling him. Phoenix physically attacked the heckler who was later identified as David Letterman.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Vegas Casino Owner's Divorce
Billionaire Las Vegas casino owner Steve Wynn and his wife Elaine are getting a divorce. The odds are 3 to 1 he'll come out smelling like a rose and she'll come out smelling like a casino carpet.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Moneyless Chicago Bank
The nation's economy keeps getting worse. A bank in Chicago has foreclosed on itself and has given itself 30 days to vacate the building.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Sweet Glazed Automaker
The latest corporate merger brought on by the disastrous state of the nation's economy is the Krispy Kreme - Chrysler merger. The new company name will be Krispy Chrysler.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Fully Digested Reader's Digest
Reader's Digest says that due to the fact that magazine sales have fallen by 90 percent starting in May it will begin publishing its monthly issues on 3 by 5 index cards.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
Blumenthal Sets Cat Amongst the Pigeons
Heston Blumenthal has outraged a group of celebrities by serving live pigeons in a big pie. "It's outrageous" complained grumpy diner, Craig Revel Horwood. "It clearly stated blackbirds on the menu".
written by Mrs Kensington, 12 March 2009
Hero Airline Captain Retires
Hero Airline Captain C. B. Sullenberger has retired from his airline pilot's job to join the latest cast of Riverdance!
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Sight For Sore Eyes
Long time bachelor Billy Joe Hammerstein Pusser of Boogertown admits that he really is a sight for, and because of his, sored eyes.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Kennel Owners Found
The bodies of the two owners of that kennel that exploded and killed Martha Stewart's dog have been found fricasseed to death in Maine.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Seizure Fit Amazing
Boogertown's Roscoe Gomer Hernandez has a seizure fit before 100 onlookers at WalMart who all agree that was much more entertaining than the performance that Michael Jackson did dancing on the TV.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Dollywood Announces Lay-Offs
Dollywood has laid off 500 rubes for the upcoming season, who say they will head back to the woods, eat berries and shit with the bears.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Feeling Manly Once Again
One of Big Three Automaker lays off 10,000 workers just so he can feel manly once again after begging congress for help for the second time, new limited $500,000 salary.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
New Pink Panther
Warning at the end of the new Steve Martin movie, The Pink Panther: "No animals or, unfortunately, careers were harmed in the making of this movie".
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Pinned Dolls Found At White House
President Obama's younger daughter, Shasha asked if she could play with the dolls filled with pins from Donald Rumsfeld's old office closet? "Daddy, this one has on a little pantsuit."
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Another Madoff Victim
An accident-prone sewer worker in Brooklyn, New York breaks his leg in three places after tripping over a large turd that had floated all the way from the Madoff's apartment.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Lean & Mean
Both CitiBank and Bank of America say they are becoming a lean moneymaking machine by cutting the jobs of over 10,000 ATM machines.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Aussie Chef Wins Top Award
Walter Matts, a famous chef in Melbourne, Australia has won "The Best In The Dessert Class" for his famous, mouth-watering Upside Downunder Cake.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Many Homemade Gifts Last Season
Many young ladies are beginning to discover that last year's Christmas gift, because of the economy, was homemade and that there's no such thing as a Rhubarbie Doll.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Joe The Plumber Movie
Joe the Plumber has signed to do a holiday movie this year in the "Ernest" vein. The movie will be titled, "The Wrench That Stole Christmas".
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Discovery Launch Postponed
A gas leak has postponed the shuttle Discovery launch as two different astronauts forgot and ate cabbage the day before.
written by Bureau, 12 March 2009
Bank evicted from office in Empire State Building
Bank of China setting up shop there.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Civil war pending in Madagascar
No, the people are not mad because they can't gas the cars.
The roaches are being overthrown by the people!
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Brobama Sending Combat Troops To The Mexican Border
President Obama will send combat troops to the US-Mexico border because of the escalating drug cartel violence. He states that he will be hiring illegal aliens as scouts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
Condoleezza Rice Chavez?
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez reveals that he wants to marry Condoleezza Rice. Rice replies that she'd marry the Grand Wizard of Mississippi first.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The North Korean Invaders
North Korea has stated that they are planning on invading the weakest nation in the world. A high-ranking French official remarks, "We are not scared of zee Kia driving Korean infidels."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
The Lovely Lovebirds - Rihanna & Chrissy
Rihanna and boyfriend Chris Brown are planning a summer concert tour. Promoters are billing it as "The I Tripped, I Tripped, I Tripped, Okay Tour."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
Sarah's Daughter Bristol Dumps Fiance Levi Johnston
Bristol Palin, daughter of Gov, Sarah Palin, has split from her fiance Levi Johnston. When asked what happened, she replied, "Levi could not get over the fact that my mommy is a much better shot."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 March 2009
American Idle had a double elimination tonight
It was a number one and a number two! Real stinky!
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Green triangle to save California economy
Grass is king in California. The Cal. green rush is on now. People are heading west to stake their claim on medical marijuana. For the rest of us, all that is left is government jobs. DEA anyone?
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Houses are leasing for what the market will bare
Only problem is, it is a bear market!
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Pope sorry about reinstatement of bad bishop
"Sorry. What was the holocaust? Is that like 3d television? Was it porn? O.K. So I'm not a history student. Who can I confess to?"
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Billionaires becoming mere millionaires
Suicides and drug overdoses are on the increase. One pour soul was down to his last million dollars.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Money in the northern hemisphere is spinning clockwise
Money in the southern hemisphere is starting to spin counter clockwise. That sucking sound? Soon to be heard.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Madoff's victims will speak in court soon
They will probably start by saying how smart they are to invest their money with a con artist. Then, people will lend them credibility, right?
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
United States tries to pretend China is not screwing them at sea
General Pyle was given full authority to act, and one tank. He was last seen saluting it. In the meantime, Obama hopes the Chinese still love him.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Man hospitialized after reading news
He had failed to get his attitude adjustment by reading TheSpoof.com.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
NASA delays shuttle lanuch
Did you see how close that asteroid came to Earth last week? Those astronauts are SCARED MAN!
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Gunman from Alabama had a "hit list"
He had a portable stereo too. Number one song? "I'm sorry, so sorry.."
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
World's youngest billionaire down a third
So far, he's not asking for donations; but he is setting up a special account, should that be required later. And of course, he has applied for TARP funds.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Monkeys give in to their kids tantrums
That's a good way to loose face.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Battery that charges "in seconds" has just one problem
It discharges in seconds, then blows up when recharging.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
G20 joint action called for by Obama
He chooses them to a basketball game, winner take all. Those old codgers joints are so stiff, He'll mow them down. Then we get all the joints.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
World-wide recession impacts list of richest people
There is only 15 people left on the list now. Everybody else has exactly the same amount of money.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
When one Peso is worth one US Dollar
We will be Mexico's biggest problem.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Germany shocked by shooting spree
Germans are shocked because the shooting happened in Germany. Heck, nobody from Germany ever shot anybody before.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
Bankrupting bankers request little long forks
No more loans till they own them all. They credit will flow. But only after we are all homeless.
written by Aspartame Boy, 12 March 2009
